*hugs* Thank you for sharing. I honor your struggle and your telling us of your story.
I recently learned a trick for sneaking around one's inner critic that might be of interest to you, which was dubbed the "lazy susan of compassion" by its inventors. When I'm having a battle with my inner critic and/or demons and there are other people around me who are doing the same, and if I'm having difficulty in applying compassion to myself, then perhaps I can notice how I feel toward the others around me, let that feeling build to the point where I can name it (and "compassion" is very frequently on my list), and then imagine both sending it out and receiving it at the same time. I send out my compassion for others onto the imaginal lazy susan in the center of the room, give the lazy susan a bit of a spin, imagine that they are doing the same, and take in what comes to me when the lazy susan stops.
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I recently learned a trick for sneaking around one's inner critic that might be of interest to you, which was dubbed the "lazy susan of compassion" by its inventors. When I'm having a battle with my inner critic and/or demons and there are other people around me who are doing the same, and if I'm having difficulty in applying compassion to myself, then perhaps I can notice how I feel toward the others around me, let that feeling build to the point where I can name it (and "compassion" is very frequently on my list), and then imagine both sending it out and receiving it at the same time. I send out my compassion for others onto the imaginal lazy susan in the center of the room, give the lazy susan a bit of a spin, imagine that they are doing the same, and take in what comes to me when the lazy susan stops.
Love and a deep breath to you.