Samhain week

 Amazing weekend of Samhain work - triple soul trances, mask making, answering the deep questions with ease and grace, tears and laughter. Glad I went. Glad to have the love and support of friends; to share the drive and sleeping space with one, to reconnect with friends from long ago.

Since early September it has seemed to me that the veils are thinner, earlier, than most years. But even today I don't feel much more 'contact with THEM' than usual. But I knew I needed some Samhain work, and the workshop was the ideal thing.

Home again, not enough is happening. Or maybe, too much is happening on a different channel. Monday night yoga, Tuesday afternoon the routine of young cat to vet, Tuesday night the free movie put on by the apartment complex. So I've been careful to get myself 'out of the house' and all that.

Decided to go to the movie specifically because of the opportunity to meet some neighbors. But then: I walked over, sat in a corner by myself, declined the ride back in the bus with everyone. Didn't even realize it until I was halfway home. It's the perfect weather for a couple of 15-minute walks in the evening -- brisk without being chilly, clear and breezy without a strong wind. But that's not why.

I know -- and I've been acknowledging, for weeks -- that today is the day that, a dozen years ago, my mother's life ended. She was in my house, I was with her, I'd been sitting holding her hand until just moments before. Her dying was the right thing for her to do, at nearly 90, in frail health with a dozen minor things uncomfortably wrong with her ancient body. We'd done all our completion work throughout the family. I did the best that I could, making good decisions and bad ones and then making appropriate course-corrections. My family - Dear Husband and Dear Housemates - was wonderfully supportive.

I remember being shocked at how much it hurt, her dying. Even though I was exhausted from only a dozen days of 24/7 caring for her. Even though she wanted to go and we were all 'ready'. I remember feeling stunned at the new silence in the world, now that Mommy's Heartbeat was not audible in the background, even from many miles away.

I know -- even, I have taught classes about this -- that grieving is not linear, is not necessarily brief, goes on until it is done, flares up at birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. I know all that.

But this year, once again, I've had a few days of significant depression (after a few days of mild unfocused anxiety). This year, once again, it's being a struggle to get anything done at all, to leave the house even to drive 'somewhere.' I know, too, that this will pass, probably beginning tomorrow.

But I want to be done with it NOW. I don't want any more feeling lonesome about this. I don't want anymore conflating 'the anniversary of Mom's death' with 'my first autumn of living alone.' Especially since it ISN'T the first such autumn; it's only the first one after deciding not to stay 'married and partnered.' What's different, really, is that we're not on the phone every day.

I miss him, or at least, my idea of him on a good day. I miss, just now, the fact that a hug would be available. And that he would probably suggest we get out for a movie or dinner. Which would be just marginally okay. But better, I think, than this.

Maybe there's a drop-in Yoga class I can go to tonight, or the library.

Thanks for listening.