joyfinderhero | Entries tagged with chaplaincy

Hello, Beloveds,

Lots of change and stirred up confusion for the New Year. Lots of resolve, if not resolution. Seems like an update is in order, but I've been busy with other things -- like, say, a 3000-mile drive, and moving things around in our furnished sublet, and figuring out where is the bank, grocery, etc.

So:

Geography

Woke up this morning in Playa Del Rey, California, a near-beach community in greater Los Angeles. For the next few months we're in a 2nd-floor 2-bedroom apartment with covered, gated parking and a pool that's more for playing in than lap-swimming, but still a fine place to cool off (though not, so far, in January). Our second morning here. Today we learned to use the coffeemaker, bought a bookshelf (can you imagine me living in a place with NO bookshelves?); yesterday we found the grocery stores and the bank.

This isn't a permanent move, I don't think. Neither of us really likes high-density living, nor freeway-dependent driving (especially at LA's typical density). We'll explore the west coast awhile and see what looks possible for the longterm.

Real Estate

The New Jersey house is NOT sold, but our housemates have moved out and we are about ten percent moved out. Still seeking a buyer, or perhaps a tenant -- market being what it is.

Health

I did much better with driving cross-country than I had expected. Based on how awful the last few airplanes were, even when I glommed a first-class seat, I budgeted an 8-day trip averaging 6 hours/day. In fact we did it in 6 days; most days were longer than 8 hours, plus leisurely meals and a couple of multi-hour excursions. The low-back and leg-pain issues were MUCH reduced by the simple fact that I could move around in the seat and put my left foot up whenever necessary. I may not do much long-distance flying any more, but travel seems to be pretty easy otherwise.

My skin sure is 65, though; this dry desert air has me back to the prescription skin cream, which seems to be helping well enough.

Dear Husband has been sneezing a bit the past few days. Started in the last couple of days on the road, so at least it's not directly allergies to the apartment, which has more than its share of house plants. Not sure if he's caught cold or is allergic to local flora, or just what. Time will probably make that clear.

Relationships

DH and I had a lovely, companionable trip across. Lots of good conversation, a modicum of political argument. Mostly we're getting better at calling a halt to those before they get ugly, and of identifying those moments when one or other of us feels triggered. Listened to Bob Woodward's disquisition on the 'Deep Throat' source for his Watergate work, entitled The Secret Man. It was kind of neat to read the wrap up, 30 years later, and see the whole process of deciding who would reveal the source's identity, and when. I won't give spoilers, because it was a great read and there are some surprises there, even after all this time.

DH and I are both doing better at speaking up for what we want and being a bit more clear with one another, though still having lots of "are you sure?" and "oh, I thought you would / wouldn't ..."

Road trips are one sort of relating, living practically in each other's pockets and spending nearly no time apart, having few conversations with anyone else. Now that we're here, it's still pretty new and we're groping toward new ways of relating. Just now he's exploring the local lunch options within a reasonable walk, and I'm making plans and lists.

Community

Tomorrow I see 35 colleagues at my old grad school. Serving as volunteers, we will read homework, check for completeness, coach and offer support and feedback to current students as they progress through doing their own work and learning to use the skills of counseling, learning to attune to the Inner Counselor each of us has. Revisiting the work has enormous value for me. So does the opportunity to receive coaching myself in an atmosphere of loving support and high integrity.

Writing

Except for blog posts and e-mails I've written hardly anything in months. Not sure when I'll get back to it ... maybe soon, or maybe not.

Chaplaincy

Starting to look around for a CPE program that might accept a Pagan with only an MA in Spiritual Psychology. Here in California that might be marginally easier than in NJ, I'm not sure. But it's too early to apply yet -- too much geographic uncertainty just now.

Medical

Finally in November, a year after I voiced major concern about my diminishing memory capacity, I went through an all-day battery of "neuro-psychological" testing. Got a dandy multi-page report out of it, detailing my scores on each of the tests. Some of them were really interesting, technically, and all were fun to engage with and figure out. A few were surprisingly difficult, and I noticed the rise of significant anxiety when I had trouble remembering lists of words the way I thought I would.

Bottom line: from the professionals' viewpoint, I'm intact -- no evidence of dementia or brain damage. From my viewpoint, we now have a solid baseline of "me at 65." It's very, very clear to me that in several areas of short-term and medium-term recall I am not as sharp as, say "me at 50" was. There are several areas of everyday function that require a certain amount of work-around, which I sometimes find monumentally irritating.

But it's also clear (from their report as well as from my own experience of the testing) that I'm mostly intact, mostly functional, mostly capable. Yes, I need to make lists more often, and need to refer to them more often during the tasks they support. Yes, I get lost more often (though not seriously, just momentarily taking a wrong turn). Yes, I need to rely more on maps. But that's why I recently got a smartphone, whose GPS capability has proved useful without being intrusive.

Celebration

Did mostly manage to avoid listening to the compulsory music of the period by judicious shopping choices. Celebrated Yule several ways -- I attended a local coven's first-ever coven Yuletide, which was a delight. Especially it was a delight to see that they are seriously coherent and attuned to one another on the astral, even though the physical-reality level hasn't quite caught up to that yet. Then DH and I attended our local CUUPS-led Yule, with drumming and candles and lots of deep listening and singing. A couple of days later we spent the evening keeping Yulefire in the courtyard of the local Unitarian Universalist congregation, from "before first service" through "after last service." Each year we burn the logs of last year's Yule Tree in this fire, which begins with last year's Yule Log (which was the base of the Tree the year before). This year I was at the fire from before it was lit until after it was out.

Magic

Community magic with coven, celebrating Yule at mid-month. A little personal magic during the trip, but not as much as I would prefer. I'm doing a little work to attract my next loom ... stay tuned.

Sobriety

Not much interest in attending meetings these days. DH continues daily alcohol, almost exclusively confined to evenings, though now that we're here I expect he'll go back to beers at lunch. During the past few months I've made several experiments about drinking with him, mostly finding that even a single glass of wine is more than I want. Once again I'm able to track wine in the evening against reduced clarity the following day or two. So probably this experiment is at an end. By February I predict we are trying once again to negotiate an alcohol-free life, but we're not there yet. Partly because he will be flying back to NJ for two weeks without me, shortly.

Spiritual Practice

Found my meditation cushions yesterday and started setting up an altar. Haven't sat in months. Soon it will be time for Full Moon Ritual, meeting my covenmates on the astral even though we're not gathering in person. I look forward to that with great eagerness.

That's all for this update; part Two later on.

Keeping myself current, somehow -- oh, and keeping you current, too.

Relationships

Dear Husband and I continue in counseling. T'other day he acknowledged that he's getting value out of it, for himself as well as for the relationship. I'm getting value out of it too, more for myself than for any real or lasting improvement in the relationship. We are talking better -- which is excellent. Sadly, the more clearly we talk the more clear it becomes that we have fundamental differences that may not be resolvable.

He said not long ago that he thinks of life as a series of projects. Which might be great, except that whenever he's in mid-project he can't do anything else. He feels guilty if we take an afternoon off and aggrieved if I want his attention for something 'frivolous' like 'having fun together' instead of completing an obligation we have taken on. When we started in counseling the 'project' was the great boat rebuilding -- which had us in Guatemala for four winters running without ever leaving the boatyard village except for one weekend. We processed that to death, after the fact, but this spring he's done the same thing with the project of cleaning house for being on the market, and again with the project of putting up fences for goats.

But even when we're building fences I still need to do hospice work, to meditate, to do coven magic, to study, to weave, to dance, to cuddle. Somehow all these become distractions and ways in which I abandon him while he's stuck with the project. Even though I don't want him to be stuck with the project, I just want us to have some 'life' together in addition to the 'obligation'. The more we try to talk about this the more he insists that he has to continue to live his life the way he was brought up -- to be always committing to responsibility and always putting that responsibility first.

I, on the other hand, have spent much of the past 20 years trying to grow out of my own upbringing, especially sometimes when it seems that it doesn't support my growth and upliftment. The impulse to Calvinistic self-denial dies hard, but it can be reduced. I wish I could find a way to make that clearer to him.

In other news, the tone of conversation in the household has moderated. Now that it's really clear that we need to sell the property some resentment and backlash have given way to actual progress, both on 'clearing out stuff that won't go with' and 'figuring out where to move to, and how'. It will be a big wrench for at least three of us to separate into two pairs in different places, but it has become more and more clear that this is necessary. Too many things have been too far out of balance for too long. Affection is still there, but sometimes even people we love need to move on.

I haven't spent much time with the kids and grandkids this year, but we're in more touch via 'social networking' media. It's an interesting shift. And in another month I expect to have some time with a new grandbaby, due in September.

Writing

Pretty much nothing is happening. I write lengthy comments on other people's blogs, very occasionally, and sometimes a longish e-mail. But no progress on the memoir since the last Gotham Writers Workshop class ended in the spring. I'll get back to it, but I'm not sure quite when.

My advice to the rest of you is: Start writing your memoirs in your 40s or 50s, while you still have significant short-term memory to help you keep it all organized. Waiting until 60 was foolish.

Chaplaincy

Recently served as chaplain for a friend having surgery. Was accepted by the hospital personnel with a minimum of hassle. Continuing to like the feeling of helping people be present to the parts they want to focus on and release the unnecessary parts.

Medical

Seems the gastric distresses of the past couple of years are related to a combination of stress and stupid dietary indiscretion. Just because yogurt is easy doesn't mean I should try to live on it. Just because it's unavailable somewhere doesn't mean I should quit it cold turkey. Making sure I actually get both protein and fresh vegetables seems key. Possible gluten sensitivity but this doesn't seem to be a big problem just now. Gotta watch out for depression.

Otherwise I am in robustly delightful good health.

Celebration

One of the frustrations of my life is that we have utterly failed to find ways to celebrate that both of us enjoy. For our 25th wedding anniversary last year we agonized over what to do. Ended up that he took me dancing "for graduation" (from the MA I completed last year) and then I helped him give a party "for several reasons" including the anniversary. I like dancing, he doesn't. He likes parties, I don't. After all that we said we'd "be sure" to celebrate our 26th. But it was last week, and we were so focused on building fences for the goats that he canceled his birthday celebration and suggested we push back our anniversary for the following week. But that week was over yesterday. Did we celebrate? What do you think?

Magic

Lots of coven work this month, and I'm loving it. Put in my request to work toward initiation and have a plan for that work. Have started some of the pieces of it.

Sobriety

The occasional single glass of wine or beer. T'other night a gin and tonic, just the one. No difficulties, no confusion, not much pull to drink more. Looks like the Guatemala experience had more to do with deprivation than alcoholism in particular.

Spiritual Practice

I keep promising myself that I'll meditate tomorrow. What is THAT about?

Keeping commitments

I'm doing better at resisting the temptation to say Yes too fast. I'm doing better at being where I said I would be and doing what I said I would do. Biggest improvement: Actually calling people as soon as I realize I can't meet a commitment, rather than waiting to the eleventh hour and hoping against hope for a miraculous change in whatever's in the way.

Physical reality

I'm loving having goats. I'm also looking forward to selling them off in about three weeks, then starting over with a new batch of young kids.

Plans

We've started talking about the sailing trip up through Belize in February or March or maybe April. Haven't really started the planning process yet, but starting to talk about doing it.

In three weeks we go to Ireland with a group, planning to visit some sacred sites. I can't wait ... and I'm aware that I don't yet have all the information I'll need to make good plans.

Overwhelm / Overbookedness

Finally took steps a couple of weeks ago to put myself on hiatus with several commitments while we sort out the goats project and get the house sold. Now it feels like there's room. I'm back to weaving and took the current project off the loom tonight. It's either 'finished' or tomorrow's in-depth examination will tell me I need to replace one or two of the placemats in the set. But then ... on to the next warp.

I am so glad for the people who read and respond to what I write here. It helps to feel that there's a place to dump the contents of my head, where I have a chance of being heard, listened to, understood.

Love, light and laughter to you all

Relationships

     Fifteen years ago I finally learned not to spew my anger all over other people. Stopped shouting, stopped throwing tantrums, came awfully near to stopping irritability (at least, snarkiness). This year I've been learning that I still need to have a way to express anger, hurt feelings, a way to indicate the strength of my desire for / need for change. Recently I've been observing that the very things I judge in other people are the things I do badly, too. A big one, just now, is judging my Dear Husband for not speaking up when something is troubling, for not standing up for himself. This would be, it appears, chiefly because I have been not speaking up and not standing up for myself.

     We're in counseling. It seems to be helping, at least in the way of communicating with each other more clearly. I suspect neither of us is feeling more comfortable, but I think we are both feeling more clearly heard.

     One thing I notice is the cycle of my discontent, which appears to have been constant in most of the past five years. If I were left to my own devices (and why would I not be that?), what would I actually choose? It has been hard to know. For several years I've been thinking to myself that I needed to have one plan on the assumption that we were together, and a different plan on the assumption that I would one day become a widow. This has mostly looked like good, astute reality-checking, as my health has been robustly good and DH's contains some longterm challenges.

     Now, though, it begins to look like a cop-out. Thinking ahead to probable widowhood seems to have become a way of postponing my own life in service to not rocking the boat. Just now I struggle for clarity, struggle for what I would really like to have happen, struggle for what and how I want to communicate about that. And then there's the huge difference between what I would really like, and what I really think is possible here.

     I used to think, for example, that I would love it if he would read this blog. But after the fifth invitation I gave it up. Somehow he would rather watch the same movie eleven times in a two-year period than read my stuff. Same thing has been true with the memoir I've been writing, except that the last time we fought about that he agreed to read it, and did. And then gave me two sentences of comment. He's never going to like dancing, though he will do it if I make a fuss. He's never going to be part of a deep-working spiritual group, with me or without me. He's made it clear that, the occasional experiment notwithstanding, he has no intention of stopping drinking.

     What am I waiting for? Clarity about what I would do instead. Or, more and more clearly lately: Clarity about what I will do instead, where I would like to live, what I want to take with me, what I want to ask for.

     This looks awfully bald on the page, but at least in this moment it's the most truth I have.

Writing

     The memoir is more than 150 pages. My husband has read the present draft. My eldest son has asked to read it and I'm assembling a revision based on the comments I've received from the past two classes at Gotham Writers Workshop. I struggle to dig deeper, stay with scenes and 'showing' what happened rather than 'summarizing' or 'telling about it.' I struggle to share my feelings, not just the facts of what happened.

     Yesterday I posted a couple of scenes from the 1980s, my mother interfering with my household as if I were still a pre-teen with a messy room. Can't wait to see the comments, but I think they're pretty good -- and can become better and sharper if people ask enough questions. Last night I realized that, between old diaries and old letters, I can look up almost any fact I need. Last week I found the notebooks I was writing letters to my 2nd husband in, back in the 1970s. I feel like I'm on a roll.

Chaplaincy

     On the strength of my new Master of Arts in Spiritual Psychology (concentration in Consciousness, Health, and Healing) I applied to one of the New Jersey hospitals for acceptance into their Clinical Pastoral Education program -- internship for hospital chaplains. The interview went well but eventually they decided not to accept me. The Protestant head chaplain was friendly, curious about my spiritual orientation, uncertain whether I would be theologically compatible with the program. I was honest, tried my best not to be either challenging or wimpy. He was careful to give me an 'out', a way to understand my eventual rejection as the fact that the program was at capacity. I think I learned some valuable things about the process and will be better prepared when I apply to the next program. I notice that I haven't chosen the next program yet; is there something I'm waiting for?

     During the month of September I'm on the team supporting someone through major surgery. Eight of us are providing 24/7 coverage until the patient is back to full strength and free of restrictions about staying in bed and so on. I'm loving the work, appreciating the validation of my skills with Reiki, cooperation, service, ministry. Noticing again that I'm much better in a time-limited intense situation than in a longterm one.

Medical

     Whatever the belly disturbance was last Spring, there has been no recurrence and no trouble all summer. Does this mean my belly likes my New Jersey water better than Guatemala's? My New Jersey diet or exercise? Does it mean that my emotional tension is that much greater on the boat than home?

     A new set of symptoms cropped up last month, now under investigation. In the space of two weeks I had three separate two- or three-day headaches for no known cause, all of them in the back of the head. During that time and since then I've had transient sensory disturbance, numbness, and occasional pain at various small areas of my face. Since this is bilateral it seems unlikely to be a brain lesion, but I had an MRI this morning anyway. Results -- and a neurology appointment -- next week.

     Mostly I'm fine, but this morning I've caught a cold and tonight I grow weary.

Celebration

     Graduation was August 29 for my new degree, mentioned above. For those of you who recall that I already had a Master's in Spiritual Psychology I'll mention that this recent graduation was for completion of the optional third-year program in Consciousness Health and Healing, and I had to give back the diploma from the 2001 degree. Graduation was a real treat, including getting to hear one of my classmates from 2001 as our keynote speaker -- and she was wonderful!

Magic

     Tomorrow will be the first Full Moon I've spent with my home circle in a long time ... and I'm not sure who will be there. I am so eager for group magic, though. Tuesday a larger group is celebrating Mabon, and I am even more eager to be there. In the meantime, Sunday I am spending at a small, intense annual ritual of speaking with Persephone and Hades, taking the next step in a possible initiatory path. Stay tuned.

That's all I have energy for tonight. More soon, I sincerely hope. Love and light and laughter to you all.

Way past time for an update. Sometimes I think this screen before me is an amazing time-suck; sometimes it's an amazing assistant.

Relationships

Talking better. Talking more. Lots better boundaries. More of the elephants in the room are getting talked about, acknowledged, even taken out for some exercise. And their detritus is getting shoveled away, too. More clarity in the household around what's working and what isn't. More motion on some of the old stuck crap.

Something must be in motion elsewhere, too, because in early September, in fact only days apart, two of our kids announced impending divorces. Both seem to be doing much better having come to those decisions; we'll see what the future holds.

And, in our household there's more acknowledgment that some of the stuff that we'd like to happen, won't. Or won't until next summer. But at least we're being honest about it.

Writing

Last two semesters I wrote about 120 pages of usable memoir. Getting better at writing / reconstructing dialog that sounds like the way my family members actually talked, back in the 50s and 60s. Getting better at unearthing some of the buried feelings, the mistaken conclusions. Getting much better at making that stuff clear to readers, once I can see it myself. Still nowhere near a saleable MS, but I'm putting it on the back burner for a year or so anyway.

Chaplaincy

I've served a couple of times as hospital chaplain for a CUUPS member who was having surgery, and a couple of times I've officiated or facilitated at a rite of passage for a friend.

Dropped the ball on dealing with my local hospital this summer; spent my energy getting ready for the first-ever Master's degrees at Cherry Hill Seminary instead. In the spring, though, it'll be a high-priority item. The response, as recently as last week, to a patient saying their religion was "Wicca" was still, "We don't have that here. I'll put you down as 'other'." (sigh).

Medical

I feel pretty good, but will be getting a chiropractic adjustment and a gynecological checkup before I leave for the tropics anyway. Vision good, hearing fair (slowly fading, probably age related). Some carpal tunnel symptoms when I spend too much time on my Macbook.

Celebration

This is birthday month in our house; three of the four of us were born in October. This year all celebrations are low-key, no big ends-in-zero birthdays and lots of productivity going on. But a few presents are good.

Magic

Getting to spend the weekend doing several things -- possibly that's an overdose, we'll see.

This year most Full Moons have been celebrated solitary or not at all, instead of my usual practice of getting to circle together for about half of them in the year.

I missed celebrating Imbolc with anyone atall, but went to Pantheacon and got to speak to lots of people and participate in some lovely trancework. I celebrated Ostara with open public ritual, missed Beltane altogether, celebrated Litha once in open public ritual and once in invitation-only coven space, on consecutive days. Then I went to Starwood and Sirius Rising, came home and celebrated Lammas on two consecutive days, one public, one invitation-only. Then Mabon twice, two days apart, and now Samhain on two consecutive days ... and possibly on the following Sunday morning as well.

So why am I feeling deprived? Looks to me like I've been well-companioned for, really, all but Beltane and Imbolc. I will miss Yule, which I will be celebrating alone in a Roman Catholic country where I don't speak the language. And my Dear Husband is a muggle; probably we will get invited to Christmas festivities instead. But I am, anyway, eager for the weekend's opportunities coming up.

Sobriety

Since getting back from Guatemala I've sometimes had many days of no alcohol in a row, and sometimes a few days of alcohol daily. The few times I've run into any of the folks from the meetings I attended last year it has felt like pressure. Mostly I'm noticing that there's a huge difference between having a beer at dinner out, when everyone is and there's no big deal, and having a beer, and then another, when home for the evening. Mostly I'm noticing that the desire for a beer seems to mostly be code for "I don't want to be doing what I'm doing, having the conversation I'm having, pretending there isn't a conversation I'd rather have instead" or something like that.

Mostly I'm noticing what it means and taking the opportunity to express my preference, rather than drink while doing something I don't want. Still pretty clear that meetings aren't it, especially with the presumption that "I am powerless" is a good thing to be telling myself daily.

Spiritual Practice

Daily meditation is averaging about 23 days/month. Just now working with the format from Servants of the Light. Feeling calm and centered.

Keeping Commitments

Doing pretty well at being on time, reminding myself what's coming up. The big exception has been appointments with my shrink; I've been late to more than three this quarter and actually forgotten all about it twice. Presumably this is more about 'stuff I don't want to work on' than any dissatisfaction with the therapist or the work we do.

Physical Reality

My bedroom is cleaner. Last month Dear Husband and I each unpacked almost ten boxes from the basement, went through their contents, got the bulk of the stuff out of here (trash or thrift shop), put the rest where it goes. Then I made the mistake of bringing four boxes of my mother's Archive into the living room to sort, where they have stayed for three weeks. I'll need to finish with them before I leave town in mid-November. (sheesh).

Plans

We've begun the process of talking about what we might want to do in later retirement. Is there a place we'd like to live, if we didn't stay here? Or what would it take to be able to stay in this house forever? We've begun laying out the things we would like to get done next year, too. Scheduled Thanksgiving 2010 for another huge bash here, warned folks it might be the last one. Started setting up the field to be pasture for one of our neighbors, arranging fencing and so on.

Overwhelm and Overbooking

Just now things look under control. I've had a couple of 60-hour weeks during the ramp-up to Cherry Hill's first semester of master's classes, and now the first-ever admissions process for degree candidates, but that looks like smoothing out about now. I've embarked on another year of school at University of Santa Monica, finishing a master's in Spiritual Psychology with an emphasis in Consciousness, Health and Healing; I expect that to be deep and time-consuming work with a fine payoff in improved health and gentler aging.

Love and light and lots of laughter

A few more things I want to capture from 2008, before it's entirely gone:

Chaplaincy

     Recently I worked daily for about 4 weeks with someone who received multiple fractures in a car accident. Mostly what I was doing was Reiki, which she experienced as supremely helpful with pain and relaxation ... and then remarked that she thought it was actively reducing swelling as well. In addition to the Reiki, we talked some, and I found myself reflecting her process to her in a way she sometimes found helpful.

     Delighted to report that, 8 weeks after the accident, she has made a full and vibrant recovery, though her age in the high 70s had led some folks to suppose it would be longer.

     As Cherry Hill reorganizes and moves toward being able to offer degrees, I find myself looking over the coursework I've done so far and reflecting both on how far I've come and how much more there is to do.

     Chiefly what I have learned has allowed me to be more and more effective at the Ministry of Presence -- holding a container for people to do their own work, reflecting back what I'm hearing so they can say it more clearly ... and thus, hear for themselves what they are saying. And yet, that’s an oversimplification. Lots of detailed information and new skills underly that ability to calmly, acceptingly be fully present to what is, whatever it is, regardless of surroundings, circumstances, interruptions. New bodies of knowledge allow me to make the right two-word response, to correctly comprehend, to see connections that the person is trying to make and stay out of the way of that process.

Magic

     I'm thinking last week's lost glasses represent an insistence on getting my eyes checked. Or if not, at least I'm getting a spare pair out of it. Or maybe the lost glasses will reappear in February. We'll see.

     At a Yule celebration early in the month, we inscribed candles with our Hearts' Desires for the coming year, the idea being that as we burned the candles throughout the year, what we inscribed would manifest. Something odd happened: I lit the candle on the first evening, intending to burn it in the bathroom for a few minutes. But something took me out of the room, and uncharacteristically I forgot the burning candle.

     It burned all night, and in the morning was down to a couple of inches.

     A good lesson for me about fire safety ... and presence (vs absence) of mind. And I keep wondering what it means about the inscriptions. Has everything that will manifest this year, on those topics, already manifested? Did I just burn the candle down so as to protect the boat from this level of absent-minded inattention with flames? I dunno. But I notice I'm taking with me the little battery-powered candles. Maybe this won't be a year for live-flame candlelight aboard. We'll see.

Sobriety

    Eight months on the 28th. A good reminder to pay attention to my own attitudes and avoidances. I haven't been attending meetings, even before leaving town, finding myself stuck on the Step Three stuff and put off by the level of crosstalk I've received about it. I'm still doing a little bit of reading, still making my Step Four list, but just now I don't have a sponsor -- too much preaching was going on.

     Also, I notice that I needed to say the "I am an alcoholic" words for about 120 days. And then I found them in conflict with my spiritual practice of saying only what I mean, what I believe to be true, what is helpful or useful. Eventually it became clear that this formula is, for me, a lie and an unhelpful negative affirmation. Probably if I return to meetings I'll need a formulation that works for me, but there are several I've heard that seem possible.

     I notice I'm having lots less "restless, irritable, and discontent" than I was -- and when it shows up, I make better use of it for decoding my interior process. I notice I'm less and less bothered by others drinking around me or by what's on the shelf or in the fridge. And even though gringos are drinking beer all around me, I've only felt tempted in the same situations as long ago -- when I'm feeling shy and out of place in a crowd, when I'm at a party I'd rather be away from, and when I want to hide from my own emotions. All temptation this month has been momentary, not strong ... and it's been good to be reminded that I have no obligation to stay at the party if I'm not having a good time.

Current Location: comfortable chair listening to fireworks outside

Relationships

     Mostly smooth. Lots of talking and sharing with one another. Plenty of keeping up with 'how are you feeling' and 'how is your project progressing' and a fair amount of being with each other. Folks I live with, folks I'm in community with in various places. Less contact with the next generation just at the moment, but that's because everyone's busy, traveling, trying to get caught up with pressing stuff.

     My mate left for Guatemala in early August, driving a car full of boat parts and paints. The longest car trip he's ever made alone, and the longest trip he's ever made alone through places where he doesn't speak the language. Arrived safe and sound after about ten days. They've made good progress on the boat; forward cabin structure is complete, aft cabin structure has begun.

     We talk every day, sometimes just for a few minutes, occasionally for half an hour. Reminds me, in some ways, of the early years of our relationship when we spoke daily but might only see each other every couple of weeks.

     In these relationships, and in others, I'm beginning to learn to speak up and ask for what I need. Best if I can remember to do that before it's urgent. I keep finding that if I'm willing to say out loud what I want, I can usually get it. Still getting tripped up by those moments when my hard-wiring wants to persuade me that "if they loved me they would know what I want and they would want that too." (Sigh). At least that's happening less often.

Writing

     First draft of a serious memoir is coming along nicely. I'm in a writing class that's giving me some good feedback, though I do wish more of my classmates would speak up. Sometimes it takes a lot out of me to remember and write about some of the tough stuff. Mostly it's being pretty satisfying. I think I would like this to grow up to be a book -- which means I will have to learn how to write the second half of a story arc (you know, where the loose ends start to get tied up). But I think I can do that, and I'm eager to try.

     On the other hand, except for brief sketches I'm only up to about 1965 so far. So there's plenty of beginning and middle to write first.

Chaplaincy

     Another semester coming to an end. Amazing courses. Thealogy / Theology (and we need another vowel for "gender of the Deities you're talking about is really none of your business) ... what a great class! Lots of opportunities to push my thinking further than I thought it could go. The project I outlined for a Final Project will take me about two years to complete, but the part of it that I did finish is better than I expected ... and also being much improved by classmates' comments.

     So now exists a template for a Ritual the Night Before Scheduled Surgery, invoking allies and helping Younger Self get on board with what's planned. Next up: ritual and meditation work for Amputation, or Chemo. Anybody who has any suggestions, especially if they come out of personal experience, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this.

Medical

     All biopsies and scans show 'normal' -- no catastrophes on the horizon. I could wish for more energy, more flexibility, less stiffness upon waking. I would like to be eating just slightly more intelligently. On the other hand, I put on my Driving At Night glasses the other night, out of habit, and found them too strong. So I put on my Regular Distance glasses, that I drive with in the daytime, and found I could in fact see just fine. Eyesight still getting measurably, demonstrably better. Yippee!

Celebration

     Lammas Sunday morning was good. I missed the Full Moon Circle -- or rather, attended and left early, too distracted by an unfinished piece of work to stay and participate. I haven't done that often, but it was good to honor that need instead of stuffing my distraction and pretending to myself that I was actually present. So I got home and finished the work, and that was good. Now, though, I'm missing Moon work. But the New Moon was yesterday, and I may get to do some ritual about that shortly. We'll see.

Magic

     Friday I spent more than an hour looking for a piece of paper -- the results of my offering in the Silent Auction of last fall. I knew one more person had bid on hand-woven placemats by me, besides the two who had already talked to me about them, but I couldn't quite recall the name.

     So I said, out loud, that it would really be nice if I could easily find out who that person was so I could finish that set of placemats before leaving for the south seas.

     This morning after services I was on the point of leaving when someone came over. "You're the one who makes the placemats, aren't you?" And there she was, the third bidder. She hadn't been planning to be there this morning -- "I've been working a lot of weekends, so I've missed most Sundays, but we just moved our offices so I thought I'd stop by."

     We're meeting next week to pick colors. I'm so glad this stuff works.

Sobriety

     Still clean and sober, four months as of last Thursday. Mostly I'm not having any trouble Not Drinking. Mostly I'm going to meetings most days -- more than 5 days a week, though not at all during Camp. Lately I've had several individual days of Restless, Irritable, and Discontent ... and one three-day period of that ... but, while I hate feeling that way, I don't really mind it (does that make sense?). And it definitely doesn't worry me. It is what it is, and will be what it will be. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable. So what?

    I've started writing on the Steps. Step One, a page; Step Two, a page and a half; Step Three, four pages. Oops now I have to go back to Step One ... and like that. I've started a list of topics for Step Four, but haven't made any attempt to actually work with that material yet. Having a fairly significant thealogical challenge with Step Three. If I massage it around just right and look through a specific window at a particular angle, I can say I'm doing it. But it's a lot like "Ocean View" apartments -- and I want to be clear whether I'm doing the Real Thing or just meeting the letter of the description.

     As you might expect, declaring myself Powerless in Step One and asking a Higher Power (regardless of Who) to take over responsibility for my Will and my Life ... is presenting a tall challenge for someone who has become accustomed to acknowledging the Power in My Heart and to accepting that I am Responsible for my feelings and actions.

     So -- abstinent I certainly am. Sober I am often being. Stepwork? Stay tuned.

Spiritual Practice

     The longer I teach Yoga the more spiritual my practice of Yoga Teaching becomes. I'm beginning to have more of a relationship with both Patanjali (author of the original Yoga Sutras, how many centuries ago is disputed) and Swami Satchidananda (one of the early practitioners of Yoga who brought it to the USA during the second half of the last century). I'm beginning to have more clarity about my practice of the Yamas and Niyamas.

     Since March I've been trying to establish a Daily Practice of sitting meditation. This week I finally get that I'm not going to do what I thought I would do -- roll out of bed, visit the bathroom, sit for 20 minutes before doing anything else. Just now I'm settling for Sitting for 10 minutes at ANY time of day, and managing to do that. Next plan: roll out of bed, write in my dream journal, do some stretching, make Kala, and then sit for 10-20 minutes. Probably start that regime sometime in the coming week.

     Still making a habit of doing Pulpit work, and Dream work, and Facilitation work.

Keeping Commitments

     Forgetfulness is a sorry condition. Senior moments have been increasing, and I don't like that. I've forgotten two-four appointments each month this summer, which is too many. Attempts to work around that by writing better notes and updating the calendar more have had mixed results. Is it over-busyness? Resistance? Something else? How interesting that most of the forgotten appointments are either with a Counselor or a Body Worker. Does this mean I don't choose to take care of myself? Hmm.

Physical Reality

     In the past three months I've gained a bit more than five pounds. It's not a big deal, but I'd like to shed that weight again, and maybe shed a little more beyond that. I notice that at 61 and 5'6" I now weigh within a few pounds of what my mother weighed at 55 and 5'4", when I judged her to be Fat, Ugly, and Not Taking Care of herself.

     Vision seems to be continuing to improve. I credit Netravyyayamam (Eye Movements in the Yoga tradition), getting more natural Vitamin A in my diet, consciously refocusing on distant objects frequently while reading, computering, or doing handwork of any kind, and holding an intention that my vision improves. Possibly I am also breathing just a bit more effectively, which I can definitely notice has a moment-to-moment effect.

Plans

     I volunteered for another round of the Prison Project yesterday. I'll find out in a week or two whether I'll be accepted onto the team this time or not.

     Still trying to choose which of several gatherings to go to with Servants of the Light. Wondering if I'll get back to the Grove before I leave for the boat. Probably getting to the boat before Thanksgiving.

Overwhelm

    Better. Remind me not to try to take Two grad-school classes AND a writing class at the same time. Remind me to make sure there's time every day for weaving as well as for reading for pleasure. Remember to move the body and get out into the fresh air often. All of these seem to decrease my sense of Too Many Deadlines ... even though there are still plenty on the horizon.

So, where was I? Oh, yeah:

Relationship

We've started to take a couple of hours together each afternoon, keeping interruptions to a minimum, to just talk with one another. We're being gentle with each other, cautious with our selection of topics. We're talking more freely. The more "I"-statements, the better. I've noticed at least a few times that when I have wanted to avoid feeling anxiety I have turned to accusation. But, well, any sentence that begins "You always ..." or "You never ..." is probably pretty biased. (sigh).

My beloved is being remarkably patient with me, considering. I'm trying not to take his inventory, and noticing how often I'm tempted to do that as a way of avoiding acknowledging what's difficult for me.

Writing

I'm starting to see how the childhood memories can fit together. If this memoir is going to grow up to be a book, if the book has a theme, at the moment it is looking like "even an alcoholic Dad can be a good father ... and the children of alcoholics have particular things to pay attention to in their own lives." We'll see where that goes, but for the moment it's being pretty absorbing just getting things onto paper.

Yesterday I delivered a five-minute homily on "remembrances of summer" and found a whole different set of childhood pieces showing up, most of them my Dad wasn't part of. And then there was the time he hung a tire swing for us -- and it all came back to me, even the smell of his damp golf shirt with its clinging spray of oak bark bits after he'd climbed the tree.

I'm intrigued to see that different things come forward to be written down, depending on whether I plan to deliver a speech or write a chapter, depending on whether I'm "trying to write about the 1950s" or "what do I remember about camping" or "write a scene in which something really excellent is happening." So I'm having fun watching the process, and I'm having fun participating in the process, and I'm enjoying reading the product later.

Chaplaincy

Up to my elbows in reading. Feeling challenged and enlightened by both courses this semester. Looking ahead to the fall it looks like lots of great choices, enough to tempt me into taking two courses together then, too. Hmm.

Medical

The mole is benign. I'm still waiting on the ultrasound.

Overbookedness

The writing course ends in about 10 days. That's good -- I'll get a few hours a week back from the work of reading lecture and critiquing fellow students' writing. But it also means no weekly exercise deadlines, no 3500 words to post every four weeks of reasonably polished second-or-later draft material. We'll see.

Halfpast September, or nearly.

Outside my bedroom window three brilliant red leaves flash like warnings in an otherwise verdant forest. Nothing shriveled yet, and no more downed leaves than left by any passing windstorm ... but still. Like the 60-degree morning, a sign that Autumn is approaching.

When I left New Jersey a month ago it was high summer, and in Florida the weather was the classic summer weather of my Connecticut childhood -- 90-degree days, 83-degree nights, mild daily thunderstorms overhead, actual rain every third day or so. Now that I've been back in New Jersey a week it feels like Fall snuck up when I wasn't looking.

MinervaCat continues serene and patient. During the three-week absence of both her Owned Human (me) and That @#$! Dog (Tammerlin) she moved back into the house, snoozing on couch and ottoman and chair arm, eating at leisure in the corner of the kitchen floor, lazing stretching out in the sun, sleeping at the feet of whatever human is handy at 3 am. When I arrived home Wednesday night, she greeted me warmly but without great enthusiasm ... and then followed me into my bedroom, where she took a whiff of the dog crate and looked me in the eye as much to say "You think I'm sleeping in here with that thing!?" And indeed, though she cuddled often during the evening, when it came time for bed she slept somewhere else.

Friday morning I went and picked up the dog. MinervaCat heard the scrabble of nails on the floor and moved at once back into the second floor, from which she emerges to go straight out the door. But this time, whenever the dog is Out, or Locked in her Crate, the Cat moves speedily back into possession.

All weekend this has looked like a permanent stalemate, the stairs being a demilitarized zone to rival Korea.

But this afternoon I heard canine whining from the front hall. Tammerlin stared up at Minerva, who looked down from halfway up the stairs. They were just looking, with no more than the whine of the dog's frustration, until I showed up -- then the dog barked and the cat lazily stalked away up the stairs.

Next time I'll leave them alone. Perhaps they'll arrive at detente, at least.

My restlessness continues. Finishing one semester at Cherry Hill and in the same breath starting the next, neither class has quite the amount of discussion I feel like reading, not quite enough to sink my teeth into, write a cogent or profound response to. I've homework for the new class that I haven't done yet, but because it's private -- e-mail to the prof only, don't post for the whole class to read -- somehow it feels different. How quickly I've acclimated to doing all my work in public, after a whole two courses in that style.

Cherry Hill has just formally announced a Chaplaincy program, so this first survey course is merely the harbinger of things to come. In many ways chaplaincy is work I've been preparing for all my life, so I'm thrilled and eager. And perhaps a bit overwhelmed. We're starting with talking about chaplaincy in prison -- and my three experiences of bailing people out of county jail were well past intimidating enough for me. Am I really up for this?

Current Mood: restless
Current Location: kitchen counter
Current Music: peace and quiet

With great thanks to

firedancer_ny for sparking this thought ...

Sometimes our American modern lives of doing / multi-tasking / information-seeking behaviors mislead us, and we forget the great animal joy of just being together.

We humans don't really get together 'in order to' do some activity, at least, not always. Usually it's the other way around: the actual purpose of this activity is 'being together.' As in "come over for dinner / coffee / a drink / breakfast / lunch / tea". (It's not the meal that's the reason.) Even building our barn -- yes, we want the barn, but more than that, the shared project is a focus for months of dinner-table conversation.

This is also what 'talking about the weather' is about. Back in the 1970s, I once had the pleasure of escorting the 'big boss' and spouse through a 250-person company picnic; it was my job to know names, speak first, make introductions. Both boss and spouse said the usual things -- 'how nice to meet you / see you again" and so on. Often the boss would say something complimentary to the employee, or to the employee's spouse about the employee. Equally often the boss's spouse would say something about the weather.

Soon I was struck by how natural they both seemed, saying essentially the same thing to dozens of people for a couple of hours, always seeming fresh and to be speaking directly to each person.

Finally I got it. 'Talking about the weather' was a way of saying more than 'hello' before moving on; an excuse to stay in contact a little longer without feeling awkwardly silent or happening to choose an awkward subject for conversation. In energetic terms (which I wouldn't have known about, on a conscious level, in those days), this charming and personable couple were creating opportunities for valued employees to stand together with them, sharing one another's auras until the brief interchange felt complete, so that the employees could feel appropriately valued by the boss and the employees' spouses could see that this was so.

Which brings me suddenly to Chaplain work. We visit the hospital patient or nursing-home resident, someone we hardly know. We chat a little, perhaps, but mostly what is wanted is our listening ear, or our warmhearted presence; the evidence we can provide that the person we are visiting is still 'here,' still cared for, that the person still matters. Sometimes, of course, a person wants spiritual guidance; but even there, usually they want to talk out their hopes, fears, guilts, dreams ... and feel validated by our response. They want this MUCH more often than they want us to 'tell' them what we think will happen after death.

Often all that is needed is our presence, our 'company.'

It's a bit like "play therapy," used by psychotherapists with very young children. The rules of play therapy are simple: Be present. Pay attention. Answer direct questions as simply and as 'in the moment' as possible. Respond neutrally. Validate experience. Avoid interpretation.

Not a bad way to be with our friends, too, come to think of it.

When I am being most effective as a hospice volunteer, I often don't say much of anything. If the person wants to talk, I listen with intense focus. If the person then stops talking, I may say something intelligent like "and what's present now?" For many folks, there isn't anything I "know" that they need to hear. What they need is to know that I'm present with them as they walk through this tough bit. That I won't turn away if they complain. That I won't flinch away if their illness makes them smell bad -- or if they fart. That it's okay if they squeeze my hand really hard when something hurts. That they don't need to 'entertain' me.

Sometimes the person doesn't want to talk, or can't talk much. Some folks like to watch TV ... and they like it better when they can watch TV with someone beside them. Some folks want to be sung to.

Some folks will ask me to tell them about my grandchildren, my day, my seminary courses, what I'm weaving.... is that because they really want to know? because they want the sound of my voice? because they want something (anything) to distract them from whatever they're thinking about? Sometimes, of course, I notice I imagine that it's because my life is so fascinating (!). Usually I think it's because they want company, and we have a social paradigm that assumes we have to be 'doing something' or 'talking' or else people will think they're not wanted.

I always bring a book, in case I need to reassure someone that I have 'something to do' so I 'won't be bored.' I often bring crocheting or embroidery, something I can work on without great concentration, show off and talk about if they want to know, and put down at a moment's notice without having to worry about it.

Mostly I'm just 'there' -- or 'there just in case,' as with the person who sleeps nearly all the time but occasionally needs help. Sometimes the whole thing is just 'being there' -- the Ministry of Presence.

Tending Joy

New Year Update, part One of several

(no subject)

Update for Mabon, part One

Updates before Samhain

Update -- late 2008 -- part two

Update after far too much Being Quiet

Update, continued

Autumn update

The Ministry of 'Presence'

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