joyfinderhero | Entries tagged with spiritual practice

Doing some Full Moon work yesterday. Our Guide had us meeting several Mysterious Ones, some familiar from mythology and some not. Each of them had something to say to me. Then came the last:

Demeter, arising out of an earthquake, the ground before me lifting like a bubble in hot tar, but brown and muddy ... and then Zowie! There she stood, radiant, wearing a dress of shining brilliance with sapphires and rubies shimmering as she moved. She offered me a handful of seeds and bade me keep one for future, and plant the rest. She beckoned me forward, then indicated I should turn and look behind me. In my footsteps a riot of color was sprouting -- lettuces and roses, peonies and snap peas, from every footprint several different plants moving at the speed of stop-motion photography on the Discovery channel.

[Full stop. Did I just compare actual life to a technological abbreviation of what it looks like? I did. Sigh.]

Where was I? Oh yeah.

I turned back from my amazement at the wonderful life arising from my footsteps. She was waiting for my full attention, looking down on my face from her height of seven or eight feet.

"You need to listen closely," she said. "I have watched you waiting through this winter, as if winter were a dead time, a punishment." She waved her hand and a pair of chairs appeared, cushy and inviting. We sat.

"Winter was never a punishment," she said. "The myth makers got it wrong. Winter was a time of resting, a time to look inward a moment and see what choices await in Spring, a time to scry ahead into the future.

"And Spring is here now, or nearly. You have waited long enough, and past long enough, and too long. You have important work to do. Look ahead, choose the next three steps, and act. Stop waiting for permission or agreement. Stop imagining that negotiation would bring you the minimum you require. Stop pretending that crumbs would be enough when what you actually need is the rich loaf of your life.

"Do you think I put you on this planet to play small?

"Do you think you were born into this lifetime to wantonly overuse resources in order to live an unsatisfying life?"

She looked deep into my eyes. I felt her love, her compassion, and her challenge.

Then she was gone. I sat in a comfy overstuffed chair in the middle of a field of flowers, fruits, vegetables, and books.

Our Guide told us it was time to go, and I went.

Now I have to choose the next three steps and act.

As I've been writing I'm finding myself terribly long-winded. Please feel even freer than usual to just skim here. I've cut out lots of excessive detail as I've been writing and revising; what's left may only be valuable to me, but it's what I want to say out loud today.

Relationships

So perhaps there is movement today.

Last night I hardly slept, disturbed by the recurring pattern of Dear Husband's occasional sleep disturbance on the heels of an evening's alcohol.

This morning our counseling appointment began with that focus. It seems just possible that DH has heard, perhaps for the first time, that I have finally reached the limits of my willingness to live with this particular behavior. It seems also barely possible that he has heard, perhaps for the first time, a clear description of his drinking as 'alcoholic' in an assessment by a professional.

Our counselor (Blessings upon her Name) gave him a clear homework assignment: to think about the relationship he is having with Alcohol, to journal about his emotions surrounding it, to observe the present triangulation as 'husband and alcohol shutting out wife' rather than 'husband and wife occasionally fighting about alcohol.' To consider what ways he might choose to 'uplevel his addictions' -- not to give up the pattern of self-soothing by addiction, but consider using something else instead. Meditation? Exercise? Acupuncture? Yoga? Massage? a different drug, carefully prescribed and controlled? She offered a professional referral to someone in the alternative medicine arena, which he may choose to follow up, we'll see.

In the immediate aftermath of our 50-minute hour he was moody, withdrawn, contemplative, and exhausted. I have been carefully nurturing as much neutrality as I can muster, holding myself willing to support him in any way he wants to be supported as he does this work, keeping my own reactivity as slow and patient as I can.

Later this afternoon he described himself as angry, despairing, feeling unfairly treated. It is true, as he points out, that throughout our 30-plus year relationship he has made concession after concession to what I wanted or thought I wanted. It is true that much of what I have asked for has not worked out as we expected or desired. It is also true of course that I, too, have made concession after concession. At this moment I think both of us are feeling a bit 'eroded away,' to use his words.

Later still he observed that we have never actually lived alone, just the two of us, for longer than a few months.

I don't know whether I am justified in feeling hopeful, but that's the stance I'm choosing.

Sobriety

In recent months I have drunk little. Mostly it's been a beer or two at a party. Sometimes it has been a beer or two because I just want to get through this evening and go to sleep. Generally it's been alcohol 2-3 times a week for a couple of weeks, alternating with 2-4 weeks with no alcohol at all.

This month I have carefully experimented. I have found that in a time when I have had no alcohol for several days I can deliver an entire 90-minute yoga class without giving any impossible instructions, without getting my tongue tangled up, without losing my place ... pretty consistently, actually, even if I'm teaching a posture I haven't taught before.

But there is a direct correlation between 'one drink yesterday' and 'two or more slips of speech today' that has been repeatable. Whether it's a beer with lunch the day before my morning teaching or a glass of wine with lunch the day before my evening teaching, in the 24-30 hours after "one drink" I have heard myself say things like "please roll over to the belly for some forward bending -- I mean, backward bending of course" and "shrug the shoulders up, and forward, and backward, and down, and continue that circle -- oh, wait, I mean ..." Nothing major or, in the grand scheme of things, terribly important, but the correlation is direct and obvious to me.

I have also observed a direct correlation between 'one drink yesterday' and 'more boredom with ritual today' -- even in rituals that have previously felt fulfilling.

So I'm not making that experiment any more. I'm not making a vow to 'never' drink alcohol again, but my intention at this point is to sharply limit my use of it. Probably this will look like 'a couple of glasses of wine at Thanksgiving' when the house is full of relatives. Perhaps it will also look like 'joining DH in champagne for major celebrations,' if that seems appropriate at some point.

One thing is clear. Over the years I have made several attempts to 'join him in drinking' since I couldn't get him to join me in not-drinking; that hasn't worked, isn't helping, and so that attempt is at an end.

Spiritual Practice

Meditation continues challenging. Procrastination and distraction seem to be the chief obstacles, along with a certain fear about what I might learn about my interior process if I let myself just sit. But in the past couple of weeks I have found myself going much deeper in the meditations at the end of yoga classes, and felt much more available to the ten-minute periods of just sitting in nature that occasionally arise.

Over the weekend I took an important step forward in joining with an established tradition, and was introduced to one of the group's Guardians in a pathworking. During that ritual I was given a Gift in physical reality, which I have worn since. In the days since I have found myself back in that forest several times, my hand touching a particular Tree. In the days since I have also found that Gift has been quite lively and present in my awareness. The Path stretches before me, wide and inviting. Blessed Be.

             As part of a Master's in Spiritual Psychology with a concentration in Consciousness, Health and Healing, we've been doing some work lately with the chakra system, supported with two books by Carolyn Myss. She asks amazingly good questions.

      I've been writing answers to these every couple of days, and finding the exercise deeply illuminating. I invite you to try it. I'll post some of my answers a few days from now.

From Anatomy of Spirit:

1.     What beliefs do you have that cause you to interpret the actions of others in a negative way?

2. What negative behavioral patterns continually surface in your relationships with others?

3. What attitudes do you have that disempower you?

4. What beliefs do you continue to accept that you know are not true?

5. Are you judgmental? What situations or relationships tend to bring out that tendency in you?

6. Do you give yourself excuses for behaving in negative ways?

7. Can you recall instances in which you were confronted with a more profound level of truth than you were used to hearing and found the experience intimidating?

8. What beliefs and attitudes would you like to change in yourself? Are you willing to make a commitment to making those changes?

9. Are you comfortable thinking about your life in impersonal terms?

10. Are you frightened of the changes that might occur in your life, should you openly embrace a conscious lifestyle?

and from Invisible Acts of Power:

As a Giver:

1. Do you follow your own advice and wisdom?

2. When your mind is not occupied with a specific task, do your thoughts tend to wander into the ‘fear’ zone in your mind or do you effortlessly find yourself thinking about your blessings?

3. Are you open to the universe directing you in terms of serving others?

4. List ten things you value about yourself.

5. What do others value most in you?

As a Receiver:

1. Do people tend to help you more with thoughts (wisdom) or with things?

2. Have you ever gotten synchronistic help?

3. Does your reality include a belief that you are looked after?

4. How could you change your attitudes to serve your own life and health?

Wishing you plenty of deep love, brilliant light, and delicious laughter

Feel free to copy the following to your blog/facebook/website and spread
the word. Let poetry bless the blogosphere once again!

WHAT: A Bloggers (Silent) Poetry Reading

WHEN: Anytime February 2, 2010

WHERE: Your blog

WHY: To celebrate the Feast of Brigid, aka Groundhog Day

HOW: Select a poem you like - by a favorite poet or one of your own - to
post February 2nd.

RSVP: If you plan to publish, feel free to leave a comment and link on
this post. Last year when the call went out there was more poetry in
cyberspace than I could keep track of. So, link to whoever you hear
about this from, and a mighty web of poetry will be spun.

Please pass this invitation on.

My own contribution:

Dawn breaks wetly over sweetwater river
Sun pouring in under clouds

Time for new beginnings

Time to speak truth to power
Time to attend to the work
Time to love, honor, cherish, trust, and risk

Somewhere a groundhog has seen his shadow
On the river a cormorant dives beneath pouring rain
Monkeys howl in the dripping trees
Our neighbor parrot perches in the eaves and talks about the weather

Far from Brigid’s flame and well
I sit at this quiet screen
Waiting for inspiration
Connected to my sisters by a thin thread of internet

Imbolc blessings

-- NorthLight, Imbolc 2010

Way past time for an update. Sometimes I think this screen before me is an amazing time-suck; sometimes it's an amazing assistant.

Relationships

Talking better. Talking more. Lots better boundaries. More of the elephants in the room are getting talked about, acknowledged, even taken out for some exercise. And their detritus is getting shoveled away, too. More clarity in the household around what's working and what isn't. More motion on some of the old stuck crap.

Something must be in motion elsewhere, too, because in early September, in fact only days apart, two of our kids announced impending divorces. Both seem to be doing much better having come to those decisions; we'll see what the future holds.

And, in our household there's more acknowledgment that some of the stuff that we'd like to happen, won't. Or won't until next summer. But at least we're being honest about it.

Writing

Last two semesters I wrote about 120 pages of usable memoir. Getting better at writing / reconstructing dialog that sounds like the way my family members actually talked, back in the 50s and 60s. Getting better at unearthing some of the buried feelings, the mistaken conclusions. Getting much better at making that stuff clear to readers, once I can see it myself. Still nowhere near a saleable MS, but I'm putting it on the back burner for a year or so anyway.

Chaplaincy

I've served a couple of times as hospital chaplain for a CUUPS member who was having surgery, and a couple of times I've officiated or facilitated at a rite of passage for a friend.

Dropped the ball on dealing with my local hospital this summer; spent my energy getting ready for the first-ever Master's degrees at Cherry Hill Seminary instead. In the spring, though, it'll be a high-priority item. The response, as recently as last week, to a patient saying their religion was "Wicca" was still, "We don't have that here. I'll put you down as 'other'." (sigh).

Medical

I feel pretty good, but will be getting a chiropractic adjustment and a gynecological checkup before I leave for the tropics anyway. Vision good, hearing fair (slowly fading, probably age related). Some carpal tunnel symptoms when I spend too much time on my Macbook.

Celebration

This is birthday month in our house; three of the four of us were born in October. This year all celebrations are low-key, no big ends-in-zero birthdays and lots of productivity going on. But a few presents are good.

Magic

Getting to spend the weekend doing several things -- possibly that's an overdose, we'll see.

This year most Full Moons have been celebrated solitary or not at all, instead of my usual practice of getting to circle together for about half of them in the year.

I missed celebrating Imbolc with anyone atall, but went to Pantheacon and got to speak to lots of people and participate in some lovely trancework. I celebrated Ostara with open public ritual, missed Beltane altogether, celebrated Litha once in open public ritual and once in invitation-only coven space, on consecutive days. Then I went to Starwood and Sirius Rising, came home and celebrated Lammas on two consecutive days, one public, one invitation-only. Then Mabon twice, two days apart, and now Samhain on two consecutive days ... and possibly on the following Sunday morning as well.

So why am I feeling deprived? Looks to me like I've been well-companioned for, really, all but Beltane and Imbolc. I will miss Yule, which I will be celebrating alone in a Roman Catholic country where I don't speak the language. And my Dear Husband is a muggle; probably we will get invited to Christmas festivities instead. But I am, anyway, eager for the weekend's opportunities coming up.

Sobriety

Since getting back from Guatemala I've sometimes had many days of no alcohol in a row, and sometimes a few days of alcohol daily. The few times I've run into any of the folks from the meetings I attended last year it has felt like pressure. Mostly I'm noticing that there's a huge difference between having a beer at dinner out, when everyone is and there's no big deal, and having a beer, and then another, when home for the evening. Mostly I'm noticing that the desire for a beer seems to mostly be code for "I don't want to be doing what I'm doing, having the conversation I'm having, pretending there isn't a conversation I'd rather have instead" or something like that.

Mostly I'm noticing what it means and taking the opportunity to express my preference, rather than drink while doing something I don't want. Still pretty clear that meetings aren't it, especially with the presumption that "I am powerless" is a good thing to be telling myself daily.

Spiritual Practice

Daily meditation is averaging about 23 days/month. Just now working with the format from Servants of the Light. Feeling calm and centered.

Keeping Commitments

Doing pretty well at being on time, reminding myself what's coming up. The big exception has been appointments with my shrink; I've been late to more than three this quarter and actually forgotten all about it twice. Presumably this is more about 'stuff I don't want to work on' than any dissatisfaction with the therapist or the work we do.

Physical Reality

My bedroom is cleaner. Last month Dear Husband and I each unpacked almost ten boxes from the basement, went through their contents, got the bulk of the stuff out of here (trash or thrift shop), put the rest where it goes. Then I made the mistake of bringing four boxes of my mother's Archive into the living room to sort, where they have stayed for three weeks. I'll need to finish with them before I leave town in mid-November. (sheesh).

Plans

We've begun the process of talking about what we might want to do in later retirement. Is there a place we'd like to live, if we didn't stay here? Or what would it take to be able to stay in this house forever? We've begun laying out the things we would like to get done next year, too. Scheduled Thanksgiving 2010 for another huge bash here, warned folks it might be the last one. Started setting up the field to be pasture for one of our neighbors, arranging fencing and so on.

Overwhelm and Overbooking

Just now things look under control. I've had a couple of 60-hour weeks during the ramp-up to Cherry Hill's first semester of master's classes, and now the first-ever admissions process for degree candidates, but that looks like smoothing out about now. I've embarked on another year of school at University of Santa Monica, finishing a master's in Spiritual Psychology with an emphasis in Consciousness, Health and Healing; I expect that to be deep and time-consuming work with a fine payoff in improved health and gentler aging.

Love and light and lots of laughter

Final capture for the year:

Spiritual Practice

     Turned in another Meditation Report just before departure. In the first 21 days of December I meditated more than 15 times. Several moments of meditation each day since, but no formal sitting. Today we resolved the chair situation, so tomorrow I'll sit again.

Keeping Commitments

   I continue to notice, and sometimes feel ashamed about, the narrow window within which I can successfully make and keep commitments. If I reluctantly agree to do something I don't want to do, I can sometimes complete the task with ease if I start at once. I can usually complete the task with much gnashing of teeth if I start it late. I continue to struggle with my own procrastination and choking about starting 'right on time'. If I take on something I would really love to do but am uncertain how to do it, or doubt my own ability, then right away I begin to choke, sometimes snatching defeat right out of the jaws of victory. Only in the middle, when I am promising to do something I find easy and deeply enjoy, does the 'keeping' part come easy. Something to work on in 2009.

Physical Reality, Plans, Overbookedness

     Much progress on my cluttered office before I left. Much progress on organization now that I've arrived. I continue to find that I need at least a little structure in order to stay in focus -- and that I enjoy staying in focus MUCH more than I enjoy 'drifting with the flow.' Not that I need to resist, mind; just that if I have one 15-minute task to do and all day to do it, I can postpone it indefinitely ... but as soon as there's enough in my plans to require planning, it can all get done.

     So this week has been a little too open. I've got some things done, but there's been struggle required to start. And, as has become customary, I find myself taking on projects that will fit fine if I start right now, but will become a potentially serious time conflict in another month when the new term starts for both seminary and memoir class. It's fascinating to watch myself do this, over and over again, especially since I really do cherish the first week of downtime. But by the second, I'm eager to take on more work.

     Round and round we go.

--

I want to close the year with some serious spellwork for 2009:

In the year ahead, in the month ahead, in the week ahead, in the day ahead, in the present moment
I find Love, Light, and Laughter wherever I seek them
I give my attention with conscious intention
I listen more to those who love than to those who hate or fear
I listen more to those who trust the planet than to those who believe they must rule her
I speak truth to power where necessary and useful, and make room for those less powerful to speak to me
I chose this incarnation for the experience and so
I experience my participation
I participate in my choices
I appreciate my experience

The Blessings are ever-growing
And the Blessings already are.

So mote it be.

---

And the Blessings of a Light-Filled, Be-you-to-Full Year to each of you!

Just back from a much-needed break from life aboard -- a two-night sojourn in (gasp) an Air-Conditioned Hotel Room. We took the dinghy up to town and lucked into a cancellation during the beginning of busy Samana Santa (that's Holy Week, for English-speaking Christians). Pretty bare-bones, as hotel rooms go, but the opportunity for two nights of sleeping cool ... and two afternoons of Not Sweating at my computer ... as well as a chance to sample the cuisine of a new restaurant or two ... Priceless.

Back this morning, our first act was to put up a new sunshade over Second Summit's main cabin. Within moments of unrolling it -- even before getting the thing properly 'installed' and 'attached' -- we had some tent-fly venturi effect creating a cool breeze across the cabin top, and shade.

Now at 1:45 pm I can definitely tell it's working, because I'm still at my computer at work, not lying in a hammock praying for a little breeze.

Tropics: Hot. Definitely Hot. Not that I should be surprised -- all of 15 degrees from the Equator, after all. Sun right up there. Hot.

Other things are better. My meditation practice is back into daily mode -- or nearly -- 14 days out of the past 17, no two-day hiatus in the lot. Did yoga yesterday morning and will likely do it again tomorrow. Once last week, as well.

And then there is the Work.

A conversation that began in a Journey In class almost a year ago ... in which we were invited to imagine The Witch knocking at our door ... has become a dozen chapters, or at least the ghost of a dozen chapters, of a work of allegory. Not, precisely, 'fiction,' and not, exactly, 'factual memoir or diary,' but somewhere between them. At least, I think it's 'between.' Possibly located elsewhere, though, along a different continuum. (I wonder why I'm trying to locate it so precisely in an arbitrarily three-dimensional space. The Witch wonders why I don't just write-and-live or live-and-write the thing, instead of trying to find a pigeonhole to put it in.)

Are you willing? she asks. Don't tell me if you're not -- it won't do you any good. The time for saying No is past. But look within yourself: Are you willing? And if you find that you're willing, then look again: Are you ready? Do you choose to focus your attention? Do you choose to pay the price? Do you imagine you can choose to ask the price first, and then decide? or will you just commit yourself? Which will it be, then? No, don't tell me -- it's not me you need to answer.

And so the conversation began. A year ago I could taste and feel the Work, the Commitment she is talking about, but I couldn't articulate it, even internally. Just now, though, there is lots more clarity than before.

I'm in school again, mostly on-line with occasional personal visits, in Missouri, in Jersey, and in Vermont. Some of what I study is "facts" but lots of it is "experiential." I'm doing research again, in a much more focused way, even while sitting in this sailboat in a foreign country. I see ahead of me that soon there will be a decision point, and then another. It's important to watch closely now, and choose to set my feet on the Path that is mine.

I'm 61, with everything that entails. Libra with Leo rising, with all that implies. Time to be about my Work.

Current Location: sailboat saloon at Frank's
Current Music: breeze in the rigging

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30

Tending Joy

Full Moon in February ... and meeting Demeter there

Update for Mabon, part Two

The Chakra of Wisdom -- the Third Eye

5th Annual Cyberspace Poetry Slam for Brigid

Updates before Samhain

Update -- late 2008 -- part three (and last)

Here in the Tropics with The Witch

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