joyfinderhero | Entries tagged with medical

Hello, Beloveds,

Lots of change and stirred up confusion for the New Year. Lots of resolve, if not resolution. Seems like an update is in order, but I've been busy with other things -- like, say, a 3000-mile drive, and moving things around in our furnished sublet, and figuring out where is the bank, grocery, etc.

So:

Geography

Woke up this morning in Playa Del Rey, California, a near-beach community in greater Los Angeles. For the next few months we're in a 2nd-floor 2-bedroom apartment with covered, gated parking and a pool that's more for playing in than lap-swimming, but still a fine place to cool off (though not, so far, in January). Our second morning here. Today we learned to use the coffeemaker, bought a bookshelf (can you imagine me living in a place with NO bookshelves?); yesterday we found the grocery stores and the bank.

This isn't a permanent move, I don't think. Neither of us really likes high-density living, nor freeway-dependent driving (especially at LA's typical density). We'll explore the west coast awhile and see what looks possible for the longterm.

Real Estate

The New Jersey house is NOT sold, but our housemates have moved out and we are about ten percent moved out. Still seeking a buyer, or perhaps a tenant -- market being what it is.

Health

I did much better with driving cross-country than I had expected. Based on how awful the last few airplanes were, even when I glommed a first-class seat, I budgeted an 8-day trip averaging 6 hours/day. In fact we did it in 6 days; most days were longer than 8 hours, plus leisurely meals and a couple of multi-hour excursions. The low-back and leg-pain issues were MUCH reduced by the simple fact that I could move around in the seat and put my left foot up whenever necessary. I may not do much long-distance flying any more, but travel seems to be pretty easy otherwise.

My skin sure is 65, though; this dry desert air has me back to the prescription skin cream, which seems to be helping well enough.

Dear Husband has been sneezing a bit the past few days. Started in the last couple of days on the road, so at least it's not directly allergies to the apartment, which has more than its share of house plants. Not sure if he's caught cold or is allergic to local flora, or just what. Time will probably make that clear.

Relationships

DH and I had a lovely, companionable trip across. Lots of good conversation, a modicum of political argument. Mostly we're getting better at calling a halt to those before they get ugly, and of identifying those moments when one or other of us feels triggered. Listened to Bob Woodward's disquisition on the 'Deep Throat' source for his Watergate work, entitled The Secret Man. It was kind of neat to read the wrap up, 30 years later, and see the whole process of deciding who would reveal the source's identity, and when. I won't give spoilers, because it was a great read and there are some surprises there, even after all this time.

DH and I are both doing better at speaking up for what we want and being a bit more clear with one another, though still having lots of "are you sure?" and "oh, I thought you would / wouldn't ..."

Road trips are one sort of relating, living practically in each other's pockets and spending nearly no time apart, having few conversations with anyone else. Now that we're here, it's still pretty new and we're groping toward new ways of relating. Just now he's exploring the local lunch options within a reasonable walk, and I'm making plans and lists.

Community

Tomorrow I see 35 colleagues at my old grad school. Serving as volunteers, we will read homework, check for completeness, coach and offer support and feedback to current students as they progress through doing their own work and learning to use the skills of counseling, learning to attune to the Inner Counselor each of us has. Revisiting the work has enormous value for me. So does the opportunity to receive coaching myself in an atmosphere of loving support and high integrity.

Writing

Except for blog posts and e-mails I've written hardly anything in months. Not sure when I'll get back to it ... maybe soon, or maybe not.

Chaplaincy

Starting to look around for a CPE program that might accept a Pagan with only an MA in Spiritual Psychology. Here in California that might be marginally easier than in NJ, I'm not sure. But it's too early to apply yet -- too much geographic uncertainty just now.

Medical

Finally in November, a year after I voiced major concern about my diminishing memory capacity, I went through an all-day battery of "neuro-psychological" testing. Got a dandy multi-page report out of it, detailing my scores on each of the tests. Some of them were really interesting, technically, and all were fun to engage with and figure out. A few were surprisingly difficult, and I noticed the rise of significant anxiety when I had trouble remembering lists of words the way I thought I would.

Bottom line: from the professionals' viewpoint, I'm intact -- no evidence of dementia or brain damage. From my viewpoint, we now have a solid baseline of "me at 65." It's very, very clear to me that in several areas of short-term and medium-term recall I am not as sharp as, say "me at 50" was. There are several areas of everyday function that require a certain amount of work-around, which I sometimes find monumentally irritating.

But it's also clear (from their report as well as from my own experience of the testing) that I'm mostly intact, mostly functional, mostly capable. Yes, I need to make lists more often, and need to refer to them more often during the tasks they support. Yes, I get lost more often (though not seriously, just momentarily taking a wrong turn). Yes, I need to rely more on maps. But that's why I recently got a smartphone, whose GPS capability has proved useful without being intrusive.

Celebration

Did mostly manage to avoid listening to the compulsory music of the period by judicious shopping choices. Celebrated Yule several ways -- I attended a local coven's first-ever coven Yuletide, which was a delight. Especially it was a delight to see that they are seriously coherent and attuned to one another on the astral, even though the physical-reality level hasn't quite caught up to that yet. Then DH and I attended our local CUUPS-led Yule, with drumming and candles and lots of deep listening and singing. A couple of days later we spent the evening keeping Yulefire in the courtyard of the local Unitarian Universalist congregation, from "before first service" through "after last service." Each year we burn the logs of last year's Yule Tree in this fire, which begins with last year's Yule Log (which was the base of the Tree the year before). This year I was at the fire from before it was lit until after it was out.

Magic

Community magic with coven, celebrating Yule at mid-month. A little personal magic during the trip, but not as much as I would prefer. I'm doing a little work to attract my next loom ... stay tuned.

Sobriety

Not much interest in attending meetings these days. DH continues daily alcohol, almost exclusively confined to evenings, though now that we're here I expect he'll go back to beers at lunch. During the past few months I've made several experiments about drinking with him, mostly finding that even a single glass of wine is more than I want. Once again I'm able to track wine in the evening against reduced clarity the following day or two. So probably this experiment is at an end. By February I predict we are trying once again to negotiate an alcohol-free life, but we're not there yet. Partly because he will be flying back to NJ for two weeks without me, shortly.

Spiritual Practice

Found my meditation cushions yesterday and started setting up an altar. Haven't sat in months. Soon it will be time for Full Moon Ritual, meeting my covenmates on the astral even though we're not gathering in person. I look forward to that with great eagerness.

That's all for this update; part Two later on.

Keeping myself current, somehow -- oh, and keeping you current, too.

Relationships

Dear Husband and I continue in counseling. T'other day he acknowledged that he's getting value out of it, for himself as well as for the relationship. I'm getting value out of it too, more for myself than for any real or lasting improvement in the relationship. We are talking better -- which is excellent. Sadly, the more clearly we talk the more clear it becomes that we have fundamental differences that may not be resolvable.

He said not long ago that he thinks of life as a series of projects. Which might be great, except that whenever he's in mid-project he can't do anything else. He feels guilty if we take an afternoon off and aggrieved if I want his attention for something 'frivolous' like 'having fun together' instead of completing an obligation we have taken on. When we started in counseling the 'project' was the great boat rebuilding -- which had us in Guatemala for four winters running without ever leaving the boatyard village except for one weekend. We processed that to death, after the fact, but this spring he's done the same thing with the project of cleaning house for being on the market, and again with the project of putting up fences for goats.

But even when we're building fences I still need to do hospice work, to meditate, to do coven magic, to study, to weave, to dance, to cuddle. Somehow all these become distractions and ways in which I abandon him while he's stuck with the project. Even though I don't want him to be stuck with the project, I just want us to have some 'life' together in addition to the 'obligation'. The more we try to talk about this the more he insists that he has to continue to live his life the way he was brought up -- to be always committing to responsibility and always putting that responsibility first.

I, on the other hand, have spent much of the past 20 years trying to grow out of my own upbringing, especially sometimes when it seems that it doesn't support my growth and upliftment. The impulse to Calvinistic self-denial dies hard, but it can be reduced. I wish I could find a way to make that clearer to him.

In other news, the tone of conversation in the household has moderated. Now that it's really clear that we need to sell the property some resentment and backlash have given way to actual progress, both on 'clearing out stuff that won't go with' and 'figuring out where to move to, and how'. It will be a big wrench for at least three of us to separate into two pairs in different places, but it has become more and more clear that this is necessary. Too many things have been too far out of balance for too long. Affection is still there, but sometimes even people we love need to move on.

I haven't spent much time with the kids and grandkids this year, but we're in more touch via 'social networking' media. It's an interesting shift. And in another month I expect to have some time with a new grandbaby, due in September.

Writing

Pretty much nothing is happening. I write lengthy comments on other people's blogs, very occasionally, and sometimes a longish e-mail. But no progress on the memoir since the last Gotham Writers Workshop class ended in the spring. I'll get back to it, but I'm not sure quite when.

My advice to the rest of you is: Start writing your memoirs in your 40s or 50s, while you still have significant short-term memory to help you keep it all organized. Waiting until 60 was foolish.

Chaplaincy

Recently served as chaplain for a friend having surgery. Was accepted by the hospital personnel with a minimum of hassle. Continuing to like the feeling of helping people be present to the parts they want to focus on and release the unnecessary parts.

Medical

Seems the gastric distresses of the past couple of years are related to a combination of stress and stupid dietary indiscretion. Just because yogurt is easy doesn't mean I should try to live on it. Just because it's unavailable somewhere doesn't mean I should quit it cold turkey. Making sure I actually get both protein and fresh vegetables seems key. Possible gluten sensitivity but this doesn't seem to be a big problem just now. Gotta watch out for depression.

Otherwise I am in robustly delightful good health.

Celebration

One of the frustrations of my life is that we have utterly failed to find ways to celebrate that both of us enjoy. For our 25th wedding anniversary last year we agonized over what to do. Ended up that he took me dancing "for graduation" (from the MA I completed last year) and then I helped him give a party "for several reasons" including the anniversary. I like dancing, he doesn't. He likes parties, I don't. After all that we said we'd "be sure" to celebrate our 26th. But it was last week, and we were so focused on building fences for the goats that he canceled his birthday celebration and suggested we push back our anniversary for the following week. But that week was over yesterday. Did we celebrate? What do you think?

Magic

Lots of coven work this month, and I'm loving it. Put in my request to work toward initiation and have a plan for that work. Have started some of the pieces of it.

Sobriety

The occasional single glass of wine or beer. T'other night a gin and tonic, just the one. No difficulties, no confusion, not much pull to drink more. Looks like the Guatemala experience had more to do with deprivation than alcoholism in particular.

Spiritual Practice

I keep promising myself that I'll meditate tomorrow. What is THAT about?

Keeping commitments

I'm doing better at resisting the temptation to say Yes too fast. I'm doing better at being where I said I would be and doing what I said I would do. Biggest improvement: Actually calling people as soon as I realize I can't meet a commitment, rather than waiting to the eleventh hour and hoping against hope for a miraculous change in whatever's in the way.

Physical reality

I'm loving having goats. I'm also looking forward to selling them off in about three weeks, then starting over with a new batch of young kids.

Plans

We've started talking about the sailing trip up through Belize in February or March or maybe April. Haven't really started the planning process yet, but starting to talk about doing it.

In three weeks we go to Ireland with a group, planning to visit some sacred sites. I can't wait ... and I'm aware that I don't yet have all the information I'll need to make good plans.

Overwhelm / Overbookedness

Finally took steps a couple of weeks ago to put myself on hiatus with several commitments while we sort out the goats project and get the house sold. Now it feels like there's room. I'm back to weaving and took the current project off the loom tonight. It's either 'finished' or tomorrow's in-depth examination will tell me I need to replace one or two of the placemats in the set. But then ... on to the next warp.

I am so glad for the people who read and respond to what I write here. It helps to feel that there's a place to dump the contents of my head, where I have a chance of being heard, listened to, understood.

Love, light and laughter to you all

Things on my mind at 4 am:

* I've done all the testing workup my doctor has recommended. All the test results are excellent. You haven't lived until your gastroenterologist pronounces your colon "pristine." Ovaries normal to both palpation and ultrasound.

* So why am I still experiencing constipation, flatulence, occasional mild nausea, and a nagging left-quadrant discomfort?

* The house is on the market. We're getting good activity even in a buyer's market. We're living in a state of neatness never before approximated -- and in fact at least three of the four of us are enjoying the serenity of No Clutter.

* The household is reasonably peaceful. For the first time since April our most discomforted member suggested the four of us go out to dinner last night. The evening went well.

* The financial imbalance continues but is being manageable in the short run. Tempers seem to have settled some. It costs more to be 'on the market' than to just live here, but not unmanageably more.

* Dear Husband and I are in counseling, making good progress I think.

* I continue to feel challenged that

- he hates it when I yell

- he feels guilty when I cry

- if I'm neither yelling nor crying he thinks whatever I'm saying is less important ... and whatever request I'm making less essential

* If everything is going so well, why am I playing so much computer solitaire?

* I miss my weaving, even though I now have TWO looms in mid-project.

* I miss my reading but continually put the book down.

* If everything is going so well why am I acting like I have 20 addictions?

* And why am I still reading the NYTimes if I'm so irritated by their stupid paywall and its incomprehensible rules?

Relationships

     Fifteen years ago I finally learned not to spew my anger all over other people. Stopped shouting, stopped throwing tantrums, came awfully near to stopping irritability (at least, snarkiness). This year I've been learning that I still need to have a way to express anger, hurt feelings, a way to indicate the strength of my desire for / need for change. Recently I've been observing that the very things I judge in other people are the things I do badly, too. A big one, just now, is judging my Dear Husband for not speaking up when something is troubling, for not standing up for himself. This would be, it appears, chiefly because I have been not speaking up and not standing up for myself.

     We're in counseling. It seems to be helping, at least in the way of communicating with each other more clearly. I suspect neither of us is feeling more comfortable, but I think we are both feeling more clearly heard.

     One thing I notice is the cycle of my discontent, which appears to have been constant in most of the past five years. If I were left to my own devices (and why would I not be that?), what would I actually choose? It has been hard to know. For several years I've been thinking to myself that I needed to have one plan on the assumption that we were together, and a different plan on the assumption that I would one day become a widow. This has mostly looked like good, astute reality-checking, as my health has been robustly good and DH's contains some longterm challenges.

     Now, though, it begins to look like a cop-out. Thinking ahead to probable widowhood seems to have become a way of postponing my own life in service to not rocking the boat. Just now I struggle for clarity, struggle for what I would really like to have happen, struggle for what and how I want to communicate about that. And then there's the huge difference between what I would really like, and what I really think is possible here.

     I used to think, for example, that I would love it if he would read this blog. But after the fifth invitation I gave it up. Somehow he would rather watch the same movie eleven times in a two-year period than read my stuff. Same thing has been true with the memoir I've been writing, except that the last time we fought about that he agreed to read it, and did. And then gave me two sentences of comment. He's never going to like dancing, though he will do it if I make a fuss. He's never going to be part of a deep-working spiritual group, with me or without me. He's made it clear that, the occasional experiment notwithstanding, he has no intention of stopping drinking.

     What am I waiting for? Clarity about what I would do instead. Or, more and more clearly lately: Clarity about what I will do instead, where I would like to live, what I want to take with me, what I want to ask for.

     This looks awfully bald on the page, but at least in this moment it's the most truth I have.

Writing

     The memoir is more than 150 pages. My husband has read the present draft. My eldest son has asked to read it and I'm assembling a revision based on the comments I've received from the past two classes at Gotham Writers Workshop. I struggle to dig deeper, stay with scenes and 'showing' what happened rather than 'summarizing' or 'telling about it.' I struggle to share my feelings, not just the facts of what happened.

     Yesterday I posted a couple of scenes from the 1980s, my mother interfering with my household as if I were still a pre-teen with a messy room. Can't wait to see the comments, but I think they're pretty good -- and can become better and sharper if people ask enough questions. Last night I realized that, between old diaries and old letters, I can look up almost any fact I need. Last week I found the notebooks I was writing letters to my 2nd husband in, back in the 1970s. I feel like I'm on a roll.

Chaplaincy

     On the strength of my new Master of Arts in Spiritual Psychology (concentration in Consciousness, Health, and Healing) I applied to one of the New Jersey hospitals for acceptance into their Clinical Pastoral Education program -- internship for hospital chaplains. The interview went well but eventually they decided not to accept me. The Protestant head chaplain was friendly, curious about my spiritual orientation, uncertain whether I would be theologically compatible with the program. I was honest, tried my best not to be either challenging or wimpy. He was careful to give me an 'out', a way to understand my eventual rejection as the fact that the program was at capacity. I think I learned some valuable things about the process and will be better prepared when I apply to the next program. I notice that I haven't chosen the next program yet; is there something I'm waiting for?

     During the month of September I'm on the team supporting someone through major surgery. Eight of us are providing 24/7 coverage until the patient is back to full strength and free of restrictions about staying in bed and so on. I'm loving the work, appreciating the validation of my skills with Reiki, cooperation, service, ministry. Noticing again that I'm much better in a time-limited intense situation than in a longterm one.

Medical

     Whatever the belly disturbance was last Spring, there has been no recurrence and no trouble all summer. Does this mean my belly likes my New Jersey water better than Guatemala's? My New Jersey diet or exercise? Does it mean that my emotional tension is that much greater on the boat than home?

     A new set of symptoms cropped up last month, now under investigation. In the space of two weeks I had three separate two- or three-day headaches for no known cause, all of them in the back of the head. During that time and since then I've had transient sensory disturbance, numbness, and occasional pain at various small areas of my face. Since this is bilateral it seems unlikely to be a brain lesion, but I had an MRI this morning anyway. Results -- and a neurology appointment -- next week.

     Mostly I'm fine, but this morning I've caught a cold and tonight I grow weary.

Celebration

     Graduation was August 29 for my new degree, mentioned above. For those of you who recall that I already had a Master's in Spiritual Psychology I'll mention that this recent graduation was for completion of the optional third-year program in Consciousness Health and Healing, and I had to give back the diploma from the 2001 degree. Graduation was a real treat, including getting to hear one of my classmates from 2001 as our keynote speaker -- and she was wonderful!

Magic

     Tomorrow will be the first Full Moon I've spent with my home circle in a long time ... and I'm not sure who will be there. I am so eager for group magic, though. Tuesday a larger group is celebrating Mabon, and I am even more eager to be there. In the meantime, Sunday I am spending at a small, intense annual ritual of speaking with Persephone and Hades, taking the next step in a possible initiatory path. Stay tuned.

That's all I have energy for tonight. More soon, I sincerely hope. Love and light and laughter to you all.

Way past time for an update. Sometimes I think this screen before me is an amazing time-suck; sometimes it's an amazing assistant.

Relationships

Talking better. Talking more. Lots better boundaries. More of the elephants in the room are getting talked about, acknowledged, even taken out for some exercise. And their detritus is getting shoveled away, too. More clarity in the household around what's working and what isn't. More motion on some of the old stuck crap.

Something must be in motion elsewhere, too, because in early September, in fact only days apart, two of our kids announced impending divorces. Both seem to be doing much better having come to those decisions; we'll see what the future holds.

And, in our household there's more acknowledgment that some of the stuff that we'd like to happen, won't. Or won't until next summer. But at least we're being honest about it.

Writing

Last two semesters I wrote about 120 pages of usable memoir. Getting better at writing / reconstructing dialog that sounds like the way my family members actually talked, back in the 50s and 60s. Getting better at unearthing some of the buried feelings, the mistaken conclusions. Getting much better at making that stuff clear to readers, once I can see it myself. Still nowhere near a saleable MS, but I'm putting it on the back burner for a year or so anyway.

Chaplaincy

I've served a couple of times as hospital chaplain for a CUUPS member who was having surgery, and a couple of times I've officiated or facilitated at a rite of passage for a friend.

Dropped the ball on dealing with my local hospital this summer; spent my energy getting ready for the first-ever Master's degrees at Cherry Hill Seminary instead. In the spring, though, it'll be a high-priority item. The response, as recently as last week, to a patient saying their religion was "Wicca" was still, "We don't have that here. I'll put you down as 'other'." (sigh).

Medical

I feel pretty good, but will be getting a chiropractic adjustment and a gynecological checkup before I leave for the tropics anyway. Vision good, hearing fair (slowly fading, probably age related). Some carpal tunnel symptoms when I spend too much time on my Macbook.

Celebration

This is birthday month in our house; three of the four of us were born in October. This year all celebrations are low-key, no big ends-in-zero birthdays and lots of productivity going on. But a few presents are good.

Magic

Getting to spend the weekend doing several things -- possibly that's an overdose, we'll see.

This year most Full Moons have been celebrated solitary or not at all, instead of my usual practice of getting to circle together for about half of them in the year.

I missed celebrating Imbolc with anyone atall, but went to Pantheacon and got to speak to lots of people and participate in some lovely trancework. I celebrated Ostara with open public ritual, missed Beltane altogether, celebrated Litha once in open public ritual and once in invitation-only coven space, on consecutive days. Then I went to Starwood and Sirius Rising, came home and celebrated Lammas on two consecutive days, one public, one invitation-only. Then Mabon twice, two days apart, and now Samhain on two consecutive days ... and possibly on the following Sunday morning as well.

So why am I feeling deprived? Looks to me like I've been well-companioned for, really, all but Beltane and Imbolc. I will miss Yule, which I will be celebrating alone in a Roman Catholic country where I don't speak the language. And my Dear Husband is a muggle; probably we will get invited to Christmas festivities instead. But I am, anyway, eager for the weekend's opportunities coming up.

Sobriety

Since getting back from Guatemala I've sometimes had many days of no alcohol in a row, and sometimes a few days of alcohol daily. The few times I've run into any of the folks from the meetings I attended last year it has felt like pressure. Mostly I'm noticing that there's a huge difference between having a beer at dinner out, when everyone is and there's no big deal, and having a beer, and then another, when home for the evening. Mostly I'm noticing that the desire for a beer seems to mostly be code for "I don't want to be doing what I'm doing, having the conversation I'm having, pretending there isn't a conversation I'd rather have instead" or something like that.

Mostly I'm noticing what it means and taking the opportunity to express my preference, rather than drink while doing something I don't want. Still pretty clear that meetings aren't it, especially with the presumption that "I am powerless" is a good thing to be telling myself daily.

Spiritual Practice

Daily meditation is averaging about 23 days/month. Just now working with the format from Servants of the Light. Feeling calm and centered.

Keeping Commitments

Doing pretty well at being on time, reminding myself what's coming up. The big exception has been appointments with my shrink; I've been late to more than three this quarter and actually forgotten all about it twice. Presumably this is more about 'stuff I don't want to work on' than any dissatisfaction with the therapist or the work we do.

Physical Reality

My bedroom is cleaner. Last month Dear Husband and I each unpacked almost ten boxes from the basement, went through their contents, got the bulk of the stuff out of here (trash or thrift shop), put the rest where it goes. Then I made the mistake of bringing four boxes of my mother's Archive into the living room to sort, where they have stayed for three weeks. I'll need to finish with them before I leave town in mid-November. (sheesh).

Plans

We've begun the process of talking about what we might want to do in later retirement. Is there a place we'd like to live, if we didn't stay here? Or what would it take to be able to stay in this house forever? We've begun laying out the things we would like to get done next year, too. Scheduled Thanksgiving 2010 for another huge bash here, warned folks it might be the last one. Started setting up the field to be pasture for one of our neighbors, arranging fencing and so on.

Overwhelm and Overbooking

Just now things look under control. I've had a couple of 60-hour weeks during the ramp-up to Cherry Hill's first semester of master's classes, and now the first-ever admissions process for degree candidates, but that looks like smoothing out about now. I've embarked on another year of school at University of Santa Monica, finishing a master's in Spiritual Psychology with an emphasis in Consciousness, Health and Healing; I expect that to be deep and time-consuming work with a fine payoff in improved health and gentler aging.

Love and light and lots of laughter

Too much 'chicken little' news lately. Every time I walk past a television it seems I hear somebody repeating doom and gloom about the economy, but much of it seems to be at the level of rumor. While the economy is clearly in contraction I do not personally foresee famine. I do foresee significant inconvenience to many of us, some of which is apt to be painful. But starving to death? Not.

I notice for myself, though, that there is a nasty side-effect to all this 'sky is falling' talk -- I'm Depressed. Whether the economy is in Contraction, Recession, Depression, Free-fall, or Panic is probably a matter of semantics and attitude (and, from my personal perspective, keeping a positive, confident, hopeful attitude is key, here). But my personal condition just now is probably diagnosable as Depression. Maybe even Clinical Depression, though probably I don't meet the criterion for duration just yet.

I'd like to look around for a 'good reason' but there isn't one. There is, as usual, plenty of stuff going on that I'm not necessarily thrilled about, but so what?

Medical -- I got a wonderfully clean bill of health on round one of gastric diagnosis. I'm delighted ... and it fails to answer the question of 'what's going on here and why am I so uncomfortable?' Tomorrow I get to make phone calls and set up the next round of appointments and testing. This is no big deal and I've done it before. I even understand most of the language.

Professional -- I finished a big piece of necessary work product more than a month ago. I started talking to coworkers about sharing a copy more than three weeks ago. I've had the instructions to upload it to the group project wikipage more than two weeks ago. What the @#$! is keeping me from uploading?

Spiritual -- I've restarted formal meditation three times in the last ten days. I've been unable, so far, to sustain three days in a row. Recent Moon circle was deeply satisfying and surprisingly good work for a group that met without a plan. It's the first time I've gathered with likeminded folks in a month. Feels like a year.

Personal -- Without warning I found myself doing nothing on the memoir for more than two weeks. Not even critiquing the writing of other folks over that time. Not even printing stuff out to look at. Not even looking at what's already printed out. I feel browbeaten by everyone in my household, whether they're 3000 miles away or right here. I feel like everyone tells me what they think I should do, tells me why I should do it, and then repeats the cycle about three times before I can even reply. But just now one of my housemates gave me precisely that feedback about something I was saying ... and it was so. So: I feel browbeaten AND I'm doing some browbeating of others.

Psychological -- Nothing has any damn' flavor just now. It's Sunday, so I go to services, so what? It's Saturday so I go to a party, so what? It's Friday so I go to the doctor, so what? I find myself wondering if the present medical situation is an example of an old pattern: getting sick as a way of getting out of something I don't want to do -- a throwback to junior high school when I would catch cold the night before a major exam if I didn't feel super-prepared. If it's that, then what's being avoided: staying in Guatemala indefinitely? going home to choose which six events I will attend in the next twelve months? negotiating with spouse and housemates about how much time we're going to spend where, doing what, in the next year?

Family -- My sibs want me to be the one who chooses which professional to hire for the next bit of Mom's estate. I don't feel like I have any more info than I've already shared. Why does it always have to be me? My grandchildren still aren't being schooled appropriately -- in five years they've gone from being homeschooled to being unschooled to being under-educated. The ten-year-old can't read and the eight-year-old reads at a first-grade level. They're both bright kids but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about this unless I want to try to wrestle their parents for custody -- which I'm not prepared to do. I can imagine doing avoidance about that, but why just this moment? It's been going on for years.

Aging -- I'm seriously noticing that this part is the back stretch. I can still learn new physical skills, but probably not ones that require new heights of coordination or strength. I can still learn new mental skills, but apparently not ones that require significant acquisition of new lore. I can still learn new music but I will never again have a singing voice better than the one I had last year (never mind what I sounded like at 45). I can still make relationship with new companion animals but will probably never live with another big, young dog. I can still lift babies and young children, but I dinna think any more ten-year-olds will be able to ride me piggyback. (Mostly I can accept all that, but sometimes I resent it all to hell).

Privacy -- Lately all the junkmail is warning about identity theft. Lately several of the blogs I read speak of having been compromised, finding one's personal "real name" posted right next to one's personal "screen name." Lately I look at Facebook and realize I don't really want to have people putting up snapshots of me from the Year One and naming my real name. Somehow this seems an order of magnitude worse than the long-ago husband who carried a naked photograph of me in his wallet and once (toward the end of that marriage) threatened to show it around the bar. Do I really want everyone who knows me in any part of my life to be able to see who I know in every other part of my life? and who they know? and who thinks they know them? (Can you spell 'guilt by association'?)

So. Maybe this is a rant, or another venting session. Maybe having laid it all out on the page I'll feel better. Or maybe later I'll feel better, anyway. This post represents the largest piece of coherent writing I've done in two weeks.

Fehhhhh.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Location: living room corner
Current Music: clock chimes and purring cat

Relationships

Getting good at this ‘parallel play’ stuff – each of us doing our own thing, but sharing space and meals and good talk about how each project is going. Several good conversations with Dear Husband this week negotiating plans. Warm gentle fondness and lots of cuddling. A couple of good conversations with new friends among the cruisers, including a dynamite Ladies' Lunch that makes me wish I would be here next week to do it again -- all of us 'of a certain age' and each of us fairly eclectic in our own different ways, and great conversation!

And I'm looking forward to seeing the folks at home, too.

Writing

Memoir is growing by leaps and bounds, even though I sometimes think Red Smith was right – all you have to do to be a writer is sit in front of the keyboard until little drops of blood form on your forehead.

Student Handbook, draft one, is about finished – now I have the technical challenge of figuring out how to upload it to our shared workspace site.

Chaplaincy

On the back burner while I’ve been in Guatemala. Not certain what will happen once I’m back in the states, but probably within the next few weeks I’ll be thinking about Hospice work again.

Medical

Sure is different to be over 60 than it was to be younger than 60. The present challenge seems to be gastric – dunno if I’ve picked up a parasite or have an obstruction or just what. I’ve been mostly staying acceptably comfortable by taking stool softeners and the occasional laxative, but clearly whatever’s happening is not clearing up by itself.

So I leave the Rio Dulce tomorrow and fly back to New Jersey on Wednesday … and see my doctor on Thursday. I’m not expecting anything very dire, but I do suspect I’ll be doing whatever constitutes a ‘full G-I workup’ these days (and if I'm going to do that, I'd rather it be somewhere where I know the language). I still remember the barium enema I had in 1953, but probably this won’t be as difficult as that was, whatever they’re going to do.

Celebration

Second Summit is starting to really look good. Her new floor gleams, her new interior walls are smooth and watertight and beautiful, the Master’s Cabin aft is coming together very nicely and will convert to 2 cabins readily when we go to sea (and thus need more people along). Time to order the replacement sail and start measuring for curtains, we’ve gone around deciding where the interior lights and grab handles should be, and the new Navigator’s Desk looks like being perfect. Yippee!

Magic

I’ve done very little formal ritual work since arriving in Guatemala. Some meditation, both formal and informal, and plenty of intention work … but nothing in a cast circle, nothing in the way of handicraft with an intention chanted in. I’m feeling complacent rather than deprived, but I suspect that’s just part of the climate thing. Everything seems to happen on a slower schedule than it does at home. But it is odd to find that, apart from noticing and greeting the Moon each night, I haven't even celebrated the Full and Dark.

Sobriety

After nine months of strict teetotaling, I ordered a gin-and-tonic a month ago. I was surprised at how little effect it had. I noticed the circumstances and observed that I was actually choosing to drink rather than speak up to say I was tired of this conversation with total strangers and casual acquaintances ... or even make some excuse and go curl up in my bunk with a book.

A couple of days ago I found myself feeling stuck in an even less worthwhile conversation, sitting at a table with three elderly male white boat guys listening while two of them made racist and sexist comments about everything that had happened today … and I felt like it would be rude of me to stand up and walk away. So I ordered a beer.

Clearly this is not a good pattern for me to be in. On the one hand I dunno as there’s any great need for me to “never” put alcohol in my face again; on the other hand, clearly I need to find a better way to cope with uncomfortable conversation. And I don’t think I want to reinforce the idea that any time I don’t like what I’m doing I should have a beer. Is that simple avoidance or what?

Spiritual Practice

Back on track with Active Meditation. This week the topic is the Group Soul.

Still not spending more than a few minutes a month with Discourses, which makes me about six months behind.

Keeping Commitments

Still having trouble with remembering what day it is, remembering what time I’m supposed to be where … which seems to be typical of the way the locals do things, too, but doesn’t work for me when I’m supposed to be in an on-line class or a conference call. Still having trouble double-scheduling things.

I’m hoping this will clear up when I’m back in NJ with a calendar posted on the refrigerator, and everything happening in the same timezone.

Physical Reality

I will be glad when we can move back aboard the boat. I will be glad when my body is feeling better. I could definitely love seeing some of the sights available in Guatemala, and I have definitely had all I need to of hanging out at the boatyard and sleeping in this cluttered storeroom.

Plans, Overwhelm, Overbookedness

Actually the schedule seems somewhere between ‘just right’ and ‘a bit too loose’ at the moment. Planning to leave on less than a week’s notice has been easy, packing in one day has been fairly simple. Mostly I’m enjoying watching my anxiety wax and wane, and noticing that I can recognize the symptoms of that even when I’m not “aware” of feeling that. Dithering, second-guessing, trying to do the ‘perfect’ thing instead of ‘one of the good things’ … all seem to exist just so I can know how I’m doing even when I’d rather not know.

So: a couple of days of travel, and then we’ll see.

Current Location: Rio Dulce, Guatemala

Here on the Rio Dulce, I'm adjusting nicely to the new slower pace of life in the tropics -- made even slower by the persistence of rain the past few days. Yesterday it must have rained 40 separate times, no exaggeration. Some lasted only minutes, but many were separated by only minutes, too. Lots of opportunity to get persistently soggy.

Time for an update:

Relationships

    The last few weeks have been better. Over the last several weeks of my New Jersey time, I was spending more time, more easily, with those of my Beloveds who most often drive me most crazy. All that's different is my level of patient acceptance. And (of course ... duh!) my frequency of daily meditation.

     More 'speaking truth to power' recently, most of it to apparently good effect.

     Managed to spend some time in Circle with my Sisters before departure. Managed to avoid getting sucked into planning or officiating at the congregation’s Solstice the night before travel, and instead got to enjoy a rare opportunity to participate without leading – at least, in that group where I am seen as an Elder.

     The cat spent lots of time watching me pack, and began her usual act: "You're NOT taking me with you on a long trip!" ... "I don't like it that you're leaving." … by turns and in alternation.

     Better communication with Dear Husband, both by phone and now that we’ve been on the same continent for a week. My trepidation about re-engaging face to face has dissipated nicely. Back in November, when we were briefly together, I said I would want to talk some about alcohol in our lives, and he said we could do that. I didn't expect him to be happy about what I wanted to say, but at least I felt I would be able to say it, once we were together. And I had some concern about how that conversation might go.

     Much to my surprise, on our first evening together last week he mentioned (a kamikazi single sentence in passing, on the way to a different topic) that he hadn’t had any alcohol in about 10 days.

     A week later, last night, we had a brief conversation about how that’s going for him. Some social awkwardness around not knowing what to order in restaurants and the like – and the dearth of diet-soda in this part of the world – and a few rearrangements of routine. He didn’t comment on his emotional state and I resisted the temptation to pry.

     From my perspective it seems like he’s more available, both emotionally and conversationally, than before. And so I get to see when it’s my own behavior that creates distance. Very enlightening to see how much I have been retreating and pretending it was ‘only’ because he retreated first.

     Enjoying DH very much just now. Making friends among the other sailors more slowly than I have before, spending more time in productive work and more time in comfortable companionship with DH than last time I was on the Rio.

Writing

     Slowed down a little bit the past couple of weeks. I'm really pleased with some work I did for the class in priestessing those who are dying or in bereavement: a skeletal design for doing trancework with the dying person, opening possibilities for them to get completion work done. I notice that, as usual, the pressure of "get your Final Project done" seems to lead me to wanting a week off once it's over.

     Dream stuff keeps coming forward to work on the memoir. I'm in the "early draft" stages of writing a student handbook document to help people orient themselves to grad school. I've reactivated the sailing blog -- culling my way through dozens of pix of work-in-progress to pick the ones that will be comprehensible to the reader, and trying to write updates in a few lines that cover months of work when I wasn't here.

     One of the lovely benefits of being in writing classes is the things I learn about myself and my process from receiving other writers' comments. At least two people have noticed things in the writing that I was not aware of knowing -- emotions I'm feeling, and even facts that are hidden beneath the specifics I remember.

Medical

     All tests have come back "fine," "normal," or "exceptionally good health." My cholesterol is just a touch over 200, so I have added flax seed and oatmeal to my diet and increased my "typical exercise" level. I'm particularly pleased with my stress test -- got myself up to BP 151/85 fairly quickly without feeling overexerted at all ... and returned to my normal 110/70 very quickly.

Life is good, rich, full, and strange.

Many Blessings to all for 2009

Current Location: Rio Dulce, second floor room at El Relleno

So, where was I? Oh, yeah:

Relationship

We've started to take a couple of hours together each afternoon, keeping interruptions to a minimum, to just talk with one another. We're being gentle with each other, cautious with our selection of topics. We're talking more freely. The more "I"-statements, the better. I've noticed at least a few times that when I have wanted to avoid feeling anxiety I have turned to accusation. But, well, any sentence that begins "You always ..." or "You never ..." is probably pretty biased. (sigh).

My beloved is being remarkably patient with me, considering. I'm trying not to take his inventory, and noticing how often I'm tempted to do that as a way of avoiding acknowledging what's difficult for me.

Writing

I'm starting to see how the childhood memories can fit together. If this memoir is going to grow up to be a book, if the book has a theme, at the moment it is looking like "even an alcoholic Dad can be a good father ... and the children of alcoholics have particular things to pay attention to in their own lives." We'll see where that goes, but for the moment it's being pretty absorbing just getting things onto paper.

Yesterday I delivered a five-minute homily on "remembrances of summer" and found a whole different set of childhood pieces showing up, most of them my Dad wasn't part of. And then there was the time he hung a tire swing for us -- and it all came back to me, even the smell of his damp golf shirt with its clinging spray of oak bark bits after he'd climbed the tree.

I'm intrigued to see that different things come forward to be written down, depending on whether I plan to deliver a speech or write a chapter, depending on whether I'm "trying to write about the 1950s" or "what do I remember about camping" or "write a scene in which something really excellent is happening." So I'm having fun watching the process, and I'm having fun participating in the process, and I'm enjoying reading the product later.

Chaplaincy

Up to my elbows in reading. Feeling challenged and enlightened by both courses this semester. Looking ahead to the fall it looks like lots of great choices, enough to tempt me into taking two courses together then, too. Hmm.

Medical

The mole is benign. I'm still waiting on the ultrasound.

Overbookedness

The writing course ends in about 10 days. That's good -- I'll get a few hours a week back from the work of reading lecture and critiquing fellow students' writing. But it also means no weekly exercise deadlines, no 3500 words to post every four weeks of reasonably polished second-or-later draft material. We'll see.

It's June. Somehow I hadn't planned for this.

Sobriety

Today is 40 days. This morning I picked up my 30-day chip, a brilliant red one. Lots of applause and congratulations. One of my old selves would have judged this hokey, but I'm delighted with how much it buoys me up and assists me in sailing through things (instead of avoiding them).

Though there are moments of overwhelm, I'm doing okay with this, and with life. I'm surprised at the degree to which the many slogans are helping. Just at the moment, the ones I hear in my head most often are:

One day at a time
Easy does it
That's just my stinkin' thinkin' talking
Whatever's upsetting me, I don't need to drink at it
Just take a deep breath

My program today is:
Don't drink, and go to meetings, call your sponsor; keep a gratitude journal, notice what makes you wish for a drink, and don't drink. Add to your Step Four list when stuff comes up, but it's not time to sit down to work on it yet.

Relationship

My mate and I have spent less awake time in the same room this week than in most weeks of our marriage, and it's being much better than in a long while. Almost all of our conversations have been substantive, present to one another, honest. Each of us has given voice to feelings as they appear (rather than a pattern in recent years of trying to mask the feelings until we could plan how to express them). From my perspective, I don't feel that we are being as "emotionally close" as I would like, but we are much less "emotionally distant" than we've been in a long while.

Life is good.

My housemates, children, grandchildren, and friends are being wonderfully serene and patient with me. For the most part I've been enjoying more of the interactions we have, and have participated only in those gatherings I actually wanted to attend -- no more dutiful attendance at events I don't value.

There are some people I would like to spend more time with, but that can wait until there is a little more room in the schedule.

And, news flash: My grandchildren will probably be here most of the next month or so. Sometimes their father (my son) will be here too, sometimes not. We knew this was coming, but the dates are a surprise and, honestly, I thought it would be more like 2-3 weeks. We'll cope, we'll have fun ... and it's a lot to take on just now.

Writing

Back in April when I didn't have quite enough structure in my life, I booked myself into a class in Memoir writing. It's about halfway through now, I'm getting a tremendous amount out of it, I'm liking the work I'm doing, and I may have a structure for a real book -- one with a start, a middle, an end; an arc of situation, conflict, resolution, and denouement; lifelike and likeable characters whose quirks make sense; a theme ... I'm so excited!

In decades of writing (unpublishable and incomplete) fiction, I have at various times produced unfinished manuscripts with one or more of these characteristics, but never one with enough of them to be publishable. But this memoir is starting to look like it could grow up to be a real book. And, writing memoir, I have the advantage of already knowing the characters and the setting -- which is helping with my former tendency to either omit or fabricate what I don't "have" yet.

Chaplaincy

After skipping a semester, I enrolled in the summer semester at Cherry Hill Seminary. I looked at the scheduled commitments for the weeks of class and figured I'd only have to be off-line for a week, or perhaps two of those, so it was do-able. I didn't consider that the first month of the semester overlaps with the memoir class. I totally didn't consider that I would want to keep my momentum with the memoir and therefore might stack another memoir class back-to-back with this one. I didn't realize that my husband would choose the overlap month for his 'visit' home.

Medical

I'm fine. Probably. And, I'm waiting for two sets of test results. Somehow on consecutive days, I scheduled a dermatology visit and a gynecology visit, both pretty routine. Somehow both appointments discovered surprises.

I went to the dermatologist to have a keratosis removed from my face. I had another one 30+ years ago, they freeze off with a drop of liquid nitrogen, I recognized it, it's no big deal. In two weeks it'll be gone; in a month you won't know it was ever there. But as long as I was doing this, we did a whole-skin examination. The two things I thought could be problems weren't. But a mole on my chest, that's been there since childhood ... had, hmm, maybe gotten bigger. Maybe a little more blurry. She scooped it off and sent it to pathology. Results in 2-3 weeks.

I went to the gynecologist for a routine annual. But my uterus has a bend to the right that wasn't there last year. Probably this is a fibroid. But we're going to do an ultrasound in case it's something else. I'm calm. I'm okay. I'm symptom free. And I'm surprised at how often I'm thinking of Gilda Radner.

So I'm waiting to see.

Overbookedness

So now I have two graduate school classes, each of which ought to absorb about 10 hours a week. I have a writing class that ought to absorb 10-15 hours/week, depending on whether I'm "only" writing classroom homework or trying to make "daily progress" on the main manuscript under construction. In other words, I'm working "full time."

My husband is only home for a month, during which we have several joint projects and group-household projects planned. During which we both really want to spend time together, enjoying each other's company, renewing the closeness we have had in former years, making up for the long difficult winter and the two months apart.

My grandchildren will be here, starting this afternoon. Their parents are getting a divorce. They will be moving ... maybe to Florida with their mother and her new partner, maybe to New Jersey in a new location with their dad. But none of that will be happening before July.

Just take a deep breath.

Current Mood: serene
Current Location: My office with new prayer rug on the floor
Current Music: birdsong right outside my open window

So ... it's been an interesting two weeks.

The Race -- indeed we got out there, arriving at the start line in plenty of time. Dear Husband and our friend C and me aboard Orion, our 33-foot Hunter sloop. C has recently moved aboard her first-ever sailboat and has very little sailing experience and no training; DH has been sailing for years and always falls right into the groove; me, I haven't been at the helm atall since last February and was never "in practice" except at straight-and-narrow motoring in the Intercoastal Waterway (that is, a series of canals connecting rivers for a mostly north-south passage).

Picture a dozen sailboats milling about, each one trying to stay fairly near the starting line while also trying to raise sail. Enough seas so most of us were heeling and bouncing even before getting sails up. Lots of jockeying to avoid hampering anyone else's passage, follow the rules about who has the right of way, and still head into the wind to raise sails, then sail back to the line.

I'm at the helm while DH and C raise the main. As has become customary on Orion, something jams -- usually, as this time, one of the little cars sewn to the front edge of the sail won't go up the track on the aft side of the mast. If you pull hard enough on the halyard (that is, try to raise the sail anyway) you can jam it pretty solid. Bill goes up to clear it, even though I'm generally better at that task, because he expects to very shortly be manning the winch -- a task he's much better at. C does everything she's told, and fairly well ... and, as with most beginners, she's not able to anticipate. Every instruction we fail to give turns out to have consequences.

As the mainsail finally rises up the mast, I shout to Bill that I have too many sailing boats around me to be able to sort out a good course, and ask him for instructions. By the time he hears me and replies, we are heeling sharply, but I can't reach the mainsheet to let it out and am not quite sure that would make things better anyway (though of course it would have).

Just as they turn their attention to unfurling the jib, the mainsheet parts with an audible snap. The boom jumps toward the side of the boat about a foot, and then halts. When we look, it turns out that the mainsheet, a 40-foot piece of double-braided 1/2" line, has lost its outer braid, but the inner braid (about 1/4" in diameter) is holding. The outer braid is shredded for more than an inch each side of the break, and has retracted several inches. We could probably sail home with just the inner braid, if we were careful to be on low-tension points of sail ... but racing? Nope.

We head back into the wind again, furl the jib, lower the main. Never even turned the engine off. We're back in harbor in just over an hour after we left, the first ones out of the race.

Planning for the Gulf of Mexico -- couple days later we had dinner with W & G and their respective ladies to discuss what they've learned in the process of planning their trip across to Rio Dulce, Guatemala. It's just a couple of days to their departure, whereas we have more than a couple of weeks of work to do yet ... so we're picking their brains. Besides, they're friends, so it's a great evening of looking at charts over beer and good food, talking about the best places to rent satellite phone and weather, whether to buy or rent a liferaft, and so on.

They left Dec 20 and arrived Dec 26 in a beautiful Cheoy Lee 40-something with a somewhat underpowered rig (it originally was a ketch but suffered a major dismasting and a previous owner only replaced the mainmast, or something like that. So it looks like a sloop, except that the mast is a little too short and a little too far forward). They made 4-6 knots for most of the passage and spend about 12 hours motoring right into a South wind in the Yucatan Straits. In our 56-foot ketch with a well-powered rig, we're hoping for 7-9 knots, depending of course on weather.

Going sailing -- in the past week I've been out sailing three times! Twice in the harbor sailing association's 13-foot sailing dinghy, and today in their 27-foot racing sloop with 3 other women. It's been a delight, and a great education. My first time in anything smaller than the 27-foot weekender we had in the 1980s. Even in very light air I could get a sense of the effects of what I did -- pulling in the mainsheet and staying on my course, changing course (and which way), all the things that speed up or slow down.

And then today I was with someone very skilled who could explain what we were doing and why, and I learned a little bit about sail shape and how to adjust it. We were out in 2 to 4-foot seas in 10-15 knots of wind and having a marvelous time!

Oh, yeah! THIS is why I live in a dark cramped apartment where the shower is a 20-minute boat-ride away.

Medical -- The Eye. After the second bleed (Dec 9) I phoned my eye doctor in Philadelphia, who had done the previous repair. We discussed my symptoms and my impression that this began in exactly the same location as the October episode. He said I ought to be seen by Bascom Palmer Eye Institute in Miami within a week or 10 days, unless there was any distortion of vision or any blind area ... in which case get in to see them within 48 hours. Since the downside of doing nothing is 'retinal detachment', I took his advice.

So I went in and was seen Dec 21.

What I learned:

1. My immediate impression was accurate. As near as I can tell by comparing the two doctors' descriptions, what must have happened is that the triangular tear of the original injury left a flap attached at one corner ... and now it has torn off except for a single long thread. According to the new doctor, there's NO bleed site outside the circle of deliberately induced scar tissue from the laser "spot-weld". Just as I thought.

2. I found the second eyeball exam much more uncomfortable than the first, possibly because Basic Self now knew that the orbit would be mildly sore for a couple of days even though numbed and "nearly painless" at the time.

3. I went in to answer the question "Was this a new site in the same region? or a second bleed at the same site?" My new doctor wanted to answer the question "Has there been a new bleed anywhere in the eye?" But ... I was awake when the bleed occurred, and saw exactly where it started.

He said "I know it's uncomfortable, but I have to be sure there isn't anything else." What I learned is: No, he doesn't have to be sure. _I_ have to be sure. From now on I need to remember to be explicit with medical personnel: I am the owner of this body and I am the decision maker; you are the consultant. When I come to you to find out something, I don't need to submit to more discomfort than is warranted just so you can feel comfortable.

Yoga -- I did nothing about teaching yoga when I first got here. Then the other day I went into the marina to do laundry (one of the most BORING things about boating is the long dull drag of doing laundry at the coin-op) and took my yoga mat along. Sun salutation, tree pose, backward bending ... "excuse me, is that your wash that just finished?" oh, yeah, move everything to the dryers. Forward bending, shoulder stand, fish pose, spinal twist ... time to fold it all up.

A few days later I ran into the same woman who'd asked if I would move out of the washer ... and she said "aren't you the woman who was doing yoga? ... y'know, I've got the book and the video aboard my boat, but somehow it's just not working for me."

I found myself offering to teach a class, and the next thing I knew I had 5 students and enthusiasm for meeting three days a week! So ... a free Yoga class meets at the city marina after cruiser net Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday until we leave. And ... my body is LOVING the support for my own yoga practice!

Second Summit -- we finally got the forward cabin empty (a week ago), cleaned and the ceiling painted white (so we can see better with the reflected light) (5 days ago), new anchor rode installed (it attaches under the bed) (yesterday), and stowed (the locker under the bed is the biggest compartment in the boat) (today). New mattress is in place. Tomorrow we move aboard. Hurray!

It's still a bit of a construction zone, and there's plenty of work left to do. But the cleanup has begun, and now that the forward locker is full there's a lot less "stuff" laying about. So it's starting to look manageable. Whew.

Orion -- we may possibly have a buyer for her. He'll be looking at it Monday, though we may still be storing some things aboard for another few days. I'd love for him to take her -- it would save us the trip and expense of finding her a place to be stored for this winter and the 2008 hurricane season; it would save her being laid up for a year on the chance that we would actually sail her again ... and I'll miss her, too.

Interior process -- there seems to be less fear and more full participation in the adventure. Also there seems to be some resignation ... but not too much. We've started making contingency plans for an intermediate destination if we really miss our departure date and don't make the highest tide at our destination ... we've started looking at alternate airports from which to get to my son's wedding in Oaxaca in February ... we're starting to talk about easing some of the pressure and frantic last-minute-ness of the process. Life is good.

:)

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Location: Orion's cabin on our last night here
Current Music: dinghy bumping against our hull, slap of little waves

Strange times.

My computer is about 95% back to normal -- that is, all the software's loaded and working, all the day-to-day data is loaded and working, I even found a February backup of ALL the MSWord docs, so all the good old stuff that I sometimes refer to is back in live space, and all the old novel drafts I worked on last year ... the only stuff missing is a few dozen updated files of which the earlier versions exist, and a couple of specific things I wrote this summer that seem to be totally gone.

One of those is the sermon I wrote about Abundance ... oh, but wait -- didn't I e-mail that to someone? Yes, I did. And there it is, in the successfully backed-up Outlook Express files. Hmm. Maybe if I think of a few other things I'll be able to find them, too. Hmm.

Still to add -- the rest of the pictures.

Still not quite right -- an assortment of settings in various software. If I'd realized at the time that I would need them, and that they would somehow NOT be preserved when things needed to be "reinstalled" (not just "copied") ... Maybe I'd have tried to figure out how to back them up. What they are just now is annoying.

Like: WHERE in Windows XP do I get to tell it that my Default Keyboard, from the moment the machine wakes up, is Dvorak? (I've got that set for my User Name, but my Password still wants QWERTY ... which always makes me stop and think. Rats.)

Or: WHERE in Windows XP can I tell it that I DON'T want mouse hesitation or touch-pad tremor to equal 'click here' ?

And: WHAT ever happened to the color scheme I spent days getting 'just right' and have now lost forever (sigh)?

None of these are important. It's just an annoyance, along with dozens of other trivia.

Beloved Dog has moved out, is delightedly settling in with her new full-time family. I get to visit, at least briefly, on Tuesday. The house is weirdly quiet without her. And some things are better.

I've spent several multi-hour sessions working upstairs in my office, clearing out, organizing, filing. There's more to do, but already I feel more in control and in touch with what's up there. Soon I'll have some space cleared for the Thanksgiving visitations, which begin on the 17th.

I sat down at the piano yesterday, for only the second or third time since I sprained my fingers the day Beloved Dog arrived home. I can't play for long, but indeed all the fingers find their notes. So the trade-off is complete: in the spring I got Beloved Dog and lost the piano; now in the fall I have sent Beloved Dog to greener pastures and taken the piano back.

Weaving continues moving forward, even though my eye is not yet back to normal. This afternoon B and I will string up the loom for her placemats, and then the blissful meditative part of the process begins. A bonus: during the clean-up upstairs I found two warps I'd made last fall. Maybe after these mats I can string one of them, and even perhaps complete a second set. We'll see.

The Eye ... I keep reaching to clean the glasses I'm not wearing. The floater has shrunk and thinned hour by hour, but apparently part of what it's doing is dissipating into tiny droplets or fragments that are becoming more and more uniformly distributed throughout what should be the clear gel of the vitreous.

What I see through that eye is the world with normal acuity, except for an increasingly uniform cloud of gray-rimmed water droplets. Probably, the doctor says, this is the blood from the initial bleed. Probably, the doctor says, the body is preparing to re-absorb it, first breaking it mechanically into small fragments as the vitreous moves (as I move my eye). Probably, in other words, this is fine. Likely within the next week or two it will clear. Right now, though, I don't much like it.

Autumn ...

The weather ... the light continues so gray it's becoming disturbing. Rain everywhere, which is okay, but the grayness ... can't we have some light?

Then, anniversaries and resonances -- my Mom's death on the 23rd, several years ago ... and then on the 24th something happens to my right eye. For most of her life my Mom would often remark that her "right eye was always the weakest" and that it was "the one things happened to." I don't need to continue that pattern. I don't like this timing -- is there a message for me? Since I feel like I don't want to hear it, I need to ask: is there a message I'm missing or ignoring?

Now gatherings and partings -- I'm gearing up for Thanksgiving. At the moment it looks like we'll have about 18 sleepover family and probably 30 or 35 for Dinner On the Day ... which will be marvelous and also a lot to do. Everyone will pitch in with everything, so it won't be a burden. The two exceptions are my choice. I learned long ago never to let anybody empty the dishwasher who doesn't live here -- they're bound to put something away where none of us inmates can find it. And the sheets and towels will get done after they all leave.

But as soon as the wonderful party is over and the cleanup complete, I need to pack up the car and be ready to drive to Florida and move to the bigger boat and get ready for big major travel -- maybe Guatemala? -- on a boat so big I can't imagine sailing her alone. A boat I've only been on one inland motoring trip with. (I see I'm apprehensive, but this is totally unnecessary -- it's just a product of unfamiliarity. Probably there's more to talk about, about the boat. But at the moment I'm focused on parting.)

I get to leave behind my covensisters, my CUUPS chapter, my ties to congregants and neighbors and family here. I get to leave behind the woods, the land, even the car I like driving. Not to mention the Cat that I've been missing since the arrival of Dog, who make take another two weeks to forgive me now that the Dog is gone, and will then be properly furious when I disappear. I get to leave behind my loom (at least, unless I decide to take it with me in case of shore space to work in). The piano, my Altar ... I'm noticing I'm not happy about this. I can always come back for a visit, can't I? I'll be back in April anyway, won't I?

So ... strange times.

Current Location: dining room table
Current Music: C cooking with spinach and scallions

... in a very literal way.

Wednesday started off to be a normal day. In the afternoon I sat across the desk from a new acquaintance, being trained for a few hours of volunteer office work I plan to be doing weekly for the Landmark Education folks, in honor of the wonderful learning I have received. Beautiful autumn day in the city ... almost warm enough for short sleeves, gray but not raining, crisp clear light around.

Suddenly my attention was grabbed by the Biggest Floater I Ever Saw ... like a large grey caterpillar, a two-inch strand of yarn, or a polytene chromosome (whatever you most quickly recognize) at the right edge of my vision. As it floated about I realized I couldn't see through it -- a first for floaters in my experience. While I was pondering this and wondering what, if any, action would be required, it suddenly extended its length, the middle got smeary as if squashed by a sideways-sliding thumb, and a lot of little circular dots filled my field of view.

"Debbie," I said, "I'm going to cut this short. I find I'm completely distracted from what you're saying -- something is going on with my eye." I thought a moment while we sat together, stunned, and asked her for a yellow pages (obviously I wasna going to drive an hour away from a Major City in order to arrive at my semi-rural home) -- I was thinking to find an opthalmologist or something like that. "You know," she said, "we're about two blocks from Wills Eye Institute."

So I walked myself into their Emergency Room. I was seen within minutes, and within a few more minutes was reassured that the most catastrophic possibilities were NOT occurring. Within hours we knew there was a tiny tear in the retina of the right eye. Probably this was nothing I did -- no exertion or position or even headstand -- but just a relatively less typical consequence of normal aging. The vitreous humor shrinks and becomes more liquid, and the envelope around it begins to pull away from the retina to which it has been attached with many little collagen fibers. Usually the fibers just break, but sometimes one can tug too hard on the retina and then it makes a little tear.

The only reason to fix a "tiny" tear is the likelihood that, over time, fluid might collect behind the torn place and then the pressure of that fluid might detach the retina from the eyeball like water infiltrating under paint, making a big hole or even a total catastrophic failure of the whole vision in that eye. So: repair was promptly scheduled.

Thursday morning -- yesterday -- I had about 10 minutes of laser spot-welding (yes, that's how they described it) to isolate the torn part from the rest of the retina by essentially welding down everything around it. It was a Very Bright experience -- lots of brilliant green-chartreuse during the work, and the whole world turned bright magenta for a few minutes afterward.

Utterly painless and nearly free of discomfort ... just a little bit of pressure during the procedure (I said "Please Stop" and the doctor did, instantly, and then when the pressure eased we continued), and a little bit of tiredness in the muscles later -- probably because I don't normally look at the upper left corner of my visual field for 15 minutes without moving (grin). Today there's a bit of dryness to the eye, a predictable result of all the different eyedrops used Wednesday and Thursday to numb and dilate.

So: I have Seen the Light!

Confused. Wakeful.

Feels like exhaustion, or depression.

Situational cues:

1. Beloved Housemate comes home from hospital and rehab tomorrow (Thursday). The house is probably mostly ready (read: safe, and clean enough) but I'm wondering if I'm really up to taking care of everything that needs taking care of.

C is recovering nicely, game and competent at getting herself in and out of bed, using the walker, toileting now that the toilet seat has been elevated. (Did I mention she's just had a hip replaced?) She'll need help with showering (no baths for weeks, though she loves a long soak). Other people (mainly me, methinks) will be doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, yadda-yadda. Her Mate will be handling the big chores -- getting handrails on the outside steps, a ramp for the arrival, stuff like that, at least some of the showers.

I'm simultaneously afraid of my own inadequacy and concerned for her. Will her pain be acceptably managed here at home? Will some unseen hazard in the environment cause a dangerous fall? (If it does, will I feel responsible?)

2. Beloved Dog comes home Saturday from getting spayed. I'm feeling guilty that I put her through surgery (without informed consent, doncha know, besides the question of whose body is it anyway). But I would have felt guilty if I let her breed indiscriminately, couldn't manage the puppy placement. But I would have felt guilty if I'd tried to keep her from having a sex life during her season. But the shelters are far too full of unwanted dogs without her unknown-mixed-breed puppies. Thoughtful people seem to agree that all undocumented mixed-breeds should be neutered ... but of course that's only a human opinion. Isn't that species-ist? Am I participating in her oppression?

When she gets home, will she be cranky and uncomfortable? Will she be obstreperous (how do you spell that?) and dangerous for C?

3. I've canceled both of the two usually-most-important travel events of my year. Been 10 out of 12 years to one and about 11 out of 13 to the other. Good reasons all over the place for both decisions, but ... I'm feeling odd. Sad and out of sorts, not really 'about' these decisions, but certainly in part 'around' them. And in part ... what? Aging? Medical crap all around me? Short-term memory frustration? The feeling that I may actually be 'past it' for more parts of daily life than I like? Wondering if I'll actually get to either of them next year? or is this a closed chapter? or what?

What part of that would be not true?

4. Family life continues to be my biggest challenge. When I'm writing, or making music, or teaching, or participating in some beautiful work or other in a group, life feels easy, adequately challenging but not overwhelming, fun, interesting, uplifting, satisfying, tiring-in-a-good-way. If I talk more than a few minutes with housemates, partners, children, sisters, brothers ... I find myself in judgment. Of them for not being more exactly what I wish they were at that moment. Of me for not being more patient and flexible. Of both of us for not being more honest, or for being too honest; for being too blunt, too tactful, too cautious, too cavalier.

All over my family tree there are what the shrinks call 'cut-offs' -- relationships that break beyond healing, people who disappear and are never heard from, siblings and cousins and parent-child pairs who stop speaking to one another for decades. At least one branch of the family kept track of another but literally (really!) didn't speak for three generations.

I recall that several times during my 30s and 40s I seriously considered making the decision to simply never talk to my mother again. Most times all I did was not call her for awhile, hustle her off the phone smartly when she called, then eventually get over it. Most times nowadays I'm glad I stayed in touch, grateful that in the last few years of her life we managed to work through some of the 'stuff' and at least talk about most of the rest.

Nowadays I just notice that I don't talk to any of our kids as often as I imagine I would like -- even though all three are thoroughly cordial when we do talk, and all three make an effort to get in touch with me slightly more often than I do with them.

5. (Just got reminded again) my hand is still not right. R, N, V may or may not appear when I think I've typed them, depending upon whether I hurt the right ring-finger when I struck the key or not. Worse than that, too often I hit L or C or N instead of R -- the finger is far enough out of line to be unreliable. (If you're trying to figure out this description on your own keyboard, I should mention that I use the Dvorak layout, not QUERTY).

I know it takes 6 weeks for sprains to heal and it's really been only 4 or maybe just barely 5. But I watch my fear arise, over and over again. Will the piano ever be possible? or am I trapped in one of those fairytales where the hero thinks he's getting a boon companion but really he's losing music? Unintended, unimaginable consequences are everywhere; why should I imagine I'm immune? But anyway. I won't know yet for months, unless recovery is quicker than that.

6. Reading Madeline Albright on government, politics, international relations, war, and religion -- and not being much amused. She is citing chapter and verse to support much to much of what I intuitively think is going on in the world, and showing much too much evidence that my country is making too many mistakes for an easy future. I find her words depressing, but I wanted to know, didn't I?

--- reading this over, I see that what I really want is a good cry. Better go upstairs and visit MinervaCat.

Love and light and, even just now, lots of laughter

...

I want to write something. I have things to say to all of you ... and also I have Things To Say in a book. At least, I think so.

What I'm experiencing appears to be Perfect is the enemy of Excellent.

That is, I haven't written a line in days ... and each time I've decided to start, what has come out is gibberish. Just like now.

Too many thoughts tumbling over themselves to escape onto the paper. And when I read it over, nothing seems coherent.

Probably it's just the headache I've had for 20 hours or so. A touch of food poisoning, perhaps? sinus? migraine? (If migraine, it's the quietest in years -- mild transient photophobia, very limited nausea. But, come to think of it, the same interior confusion and taut neck muscles.)

I'm here. I'm just not processing at the moment. Probably more later ... or sometime.

Loving you ALL

Current Location: Orion's darkened cabin
Current Music: air conditioner on low

The V-berth mattress was finally dry yesterday - a real bed, at last!

Orion is pretty-well stowed now, not exactly ready for cruising but at least I know where everything is.

Dear Mate turned an ankle a couple of weeks ago, and carefully ignored the resulting swelling and discomfort. Then last night he turned it further and heard an audible 'pop'. He's confident it's not broken. I'm confident it's sprained. Will he go to ER or even phone a local doctor's office? (Does the President buy his own socks?).

He did let me wrap it in cold-wrap. This morning he did put on a drugstore brace, before I was even awake.

Now I know it's sprained. I'm proud of him though; this morning he opted for taking the car in for service and sitting in the waiting room, rather than getting right into another up-and-down-the-companionway-ladder project.

This week we've settled into the rhythm of being in port. Mornings are for doing projects -- working on Second Summit or doing laundry, routine car maintenance or working on the novel, washing dishes or finding someone to repair the canvas the mice ate. Lunch out about 1:30 or so, then whatever shopping needs doing (it's good to stay in other people's air-conditioning during the heat of the day, at least, most days). Evenings are for socializing, catching up on e-mail, watching old movies on TV.

Yesterday's big accomplishment: the refrigeration in Second Summit is now working, at least on the ship's own battery power. Still to diagnose: why was it unplugged from both 'shore' power and 'generator' power (the more efficient 110-volt system)? Maybe there's no problem, and just plugging it back in will suffice ... but maybe not.

Monday, in addition to this boating life, I start on a new project -- I'm participating in a study of spiritual practice.

For the next ten weeks I will spend 10 minutes or more each day following the study protocol excerpted below, preferably in the mornings:

"1. Pray -- get in touch with Divinity however you do that. Set your intention...

"2. Do 3 minutes of movement while focusing on your intention and maintaining your inner connection with Divinity. ..." [probably most days I will do Yoga; some days I will probably dance].

"3. Do some form of spiritual practice for 3 minutes or more ..." [probably I will sit in meditation; probably most days this will be for more than 3 minutes].

"4. Write for four minutes. Start with a few sentences about what's present with you right now ... Let an inquiry come forward ... Set your intention to connect to the highest source of wisdom within you. Go inside. Listen. When you start to sense, hear, see, or feel anything, write it down. ...

"5. Once you've completed these steps, record on your tracking sheet what you did and how you are. Please track every day. ..."

I'm excited; lately spiritual practice has been sloppy and intermittent. I'm scared; what if I drop the ball? What if being on "island time" gets in the way of even this? I'm confident; this support is just what I'm needing just now to help me get back on track.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: Orion with breeze blowing through
Current Music: breeze

Tending Joy

New Year Update, part One of several

(no subject)

Halfpast July

Update for Mabon, part One

Updates before Samhain

What the newsfolks are calling the D-word

Update -- 2 March 09

Update -- late 2008 -- part one

Update, continued

Slightly Overbooked

After a 2-week silence ...

Strange times ... general update

I have Seen the Light! ... and learned about Modern Medical Technology

What's up?

Perfectionism (no, not again!)

Life in port

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June 2025

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