joyfinderhero | Entries tagged with personal practice

So. At Samhain, I think it was, our leadership suggested we might want to gather (psychically if not physically) at the Full Moon for a simple ritual to call into ourselves some sacred Light.

Last night was the third month in a row that I participated.

The first time, I felt a little bit self-conscious, the language we were given sounding demanding, directive, compared to my usual language when working alone. I set up an altar in my office and did the working well after moonrise, when I could see the moon high in the sky out my windows.

It seemed to me that I did "draw down" the four elements from their quarters, as well as feeling them open as I cast the circle. It seemed to me that there was "light" in each of my chakras by the time the rite was ended. I felt vaguely connected to the others who had agreed to participate, 50 miles away in their own places.

Feeling self-conscious, I thanked the elements and released the circle.

The second time, I was more confident and more comfortable. I stood alone on the beach just before moonrise, in full dark, aware of the other solos and pairs that carefully gave each other space. Above the bluff a white skyglow gradually brightened until -- ShaZAM -- there she was, rising in all her brilliant majesty.

As soon as she was fully visible I began. This time it seemed to me that each element was listening, had perhaps been waiting with me for the gift of her Light. This time I was in another timezone and most of the others had already completed their work before the moon rose above me. At the start, I was aware of not being "simultaneous," but during the ritual I saw the space on the astral plane where we gather at our most sacred moments, felt the answering pressure against my hand, saw the faces of my kin.

Feeling grounded, centered, and filled with Light, I released the circle and set my toes in the cold Pacific before trudging back through the soft sandy dark to my car.

Last night was different yet again. A gray and rainy day with continuous overcast, a low ceiling of mist and shifting shapes but no real solidity. I hoped for moonlight but saw nothing. Realizing I might not see the moon at all, I started to do my ritual work at 4 pm, the same moment as my eastcoast kinfolks would likely be starting at their 7 pm. But there was no heart in it, and I gave it up -- perhaps I could have done something in sunlight, but in the gray overcast mistiness it seemed that darkness was essential. So after dark I went to the beach.

Just as I stepped out of the car it started to rain in earnest for the first time all day. I thought briefly about walking to the beach anyway but decided against getting soaked. I sat in my car watching the sky for a sign of light until at least a quarter hour past real moonrise. And then I began.

Even sitting in the car I could feel the elements gathering around me. This time I felt Deity present as I hadn't before, and also had more consciousness of the weirdness of 'drawing down' the God to bring the Light of the Goddess into my body. More awareness of all that is not said when Divinity is seen as only two sexes. This time I didn't see our Astral Place, didn't feel my kin around me. I put it down to the invisibility of the moon, the artificiality of the car, and went home.

In my dreams I struggled and twisted, searching for something that had been lost.

We will meet again next month. What will it be like then?

Hello, Beloveds,

Lots of change and stirred up confusion for the New Year. Lots of resolve, if not resolution. Seems like an update is in order, but I've been busy with other things -- like, say, a 3000-mile drive, and moving things around in our furnished sublet, and figuring out where is the bank, grocery, etc.

So:

Geography

Woke up this morning in Playa Del Rey, California, a near-beach community in greater Los Angeles. For the next few months we're in a 2nd-floor 2-bedroom apartment with covered, gated parking and a pool that's more for playing in than lap-swimming, but still a fine place to cool off (though not, so far, in January). Our second morning here. Today we learned to use the coffeemaker, bought a bookshelf (can you imagine me living in a place with NO bookshelves?); yesterday we found the grocery stores and the bank.

This isn't a permanent move, I don't think. Neither of us really likes high-density living, nor freeway-dependent driving (especially at LA's typical density). We'll explore the west coast awhile and see what looks possible for the longterm.

Real Estate

The New Jersey house is NOT sold, but our housemates have moved out and we are about ten percent moved out. Still seeking a buyer, or perhaps a tenant -- market being what it is.

Health

I did much better with driving cross-country than I had expected. Based on how awful the last few airplanes were, even when I glommed a first-class seat, I budgeted an 8-day trip averaging 6 hours/day. In fact we did it in 6 days; most days were longer than 8 hours, plus leisurely meals and a couple of multi-hour excursions. The low-back and leg-pain issues were MUCH reduced by the simple fact that I could move around in the seat and put my left foot up whenever necessary. I may not do much long-distance flying any more, but travel seems to be pretty easy otherwise.

My skin sure is 65, though; this dry desert air has me back to the prescription skin cream, which seems to be helping well enough.

Dear Husband has been sneezing a bit the past few days. Started in the last couple of days on the road, so at least it's not directly allergies to the apartment, which has more than its share of house plants. Not sure if he's caught cold or is allergic to local flora, or just what. Time will probably make that clear.

Relationships

DH and I had a lovely, companionable trip across. Lots of good conversation, a modicum of political argument. Mostly we're getting better at calling a halt to those before they get ugly, and of identifying those moments when one or other of us feels triggered. Listened to Bob Woodward's disquisition on the 'Deep Throat' source for his Watergate work, entitled The Secret Man. It was kind of neat to read the wrap up, 30 years later, and see the whole process of deciding who would reveal the source's identity, and when. I won't give spoilers, because it was a great read and there are some surprises there, even after all this time.

DH and I are both doing better at speaking up for what we want and being a bit more clear with one another, though still having lots of "are you sure?" and "oh, I thought you would / wouldn't ..."

Road trips are one sort of relating, living practically in each other's pockets and spending nearly no time apart, having few conversations with anyone else. Now that we're here, it's still pretty new and we're groping toward new ways of relating. Just now he's exploring the local lunch options within a reasonable walk, and I'm making plans and lists.

Community

Tomorrow I see 35 colleagues at my old grad school. Serving as volunteers, we will read homework, check for completeness, coach and offer support and feedback to current students as they progress through doing their own work and learning to use the skills of counseling, learning to attune to the Inner Counselor each of us has. Revisiting the work has enormous value for me. So does the opportunity to receive coaching myself in an atmosphere of loving support and high integrity.

Writing

Except for blog posts and e-mails I've written hardly anything in months. Not sure when I'll get back to it ... maybe soon, or maybe not.

Chaplaincy

Starting to look around for a CPE program that might accept a Pagan with only an MA in Spiritual Psychology. Here in California that might be marginally easier than in NJ, I'm not sure. But it's too early to apply yet -- too much geographic uncertainty just now.

Medical

Finally in November, a year after I voiced major concern about my diminishing memory capacity, I went through an all-day battery of "neuro-psychological" testing. Got a dandy multi-page report out of it, detailing my scores on each of the tests. Some of them were really interesting, technically, and all were fun to engage with and figure out. A few were surprisingly difficult, and I noticed the rise of significant anxiety when I had trouble remembering lists of words the way I thought I would.

Bottom line: from the professionals' viewpoint, I'm intact -- no evidence of dementia or brain damage. From my viewpoint, we now have a solid baseline of "me at 65." It's very, very clear to me that in several areas of short-term and medium-term recall I am not as sharp as, say "me at 50" was. There are several areas of everyday function that require a certain amount of work-around, which I sometimes find monumentally irritating.

But it's also clear (from their report as well as from my own experience of the testing) that I'm mostly intact, mostly functional, mostly capable. Yes, I need to make lists more often, and need to refer to them more often during the tasks they support. Yes, I get lost more often (though not seriously, just momentarily taking a wrong turn). Yes, I need to rely more on maps. But that's why I recently got a smartphone, whose GPS capability has proved useful without being intrusive.

Celebration

Did mostly manage to avoid listening to the compulsory music of the period by judicious shopping choices. Celebrated Yule several ways -- I attended a local coven's first-ever coven Yuletide, which was a delight. Especially it was a delight to see that they are seriously coherent and attuned to one another on the astral, even though the physical-reality level hasn't quite caught up to that yet. Then DH and I attended our local CUUPS-led Yule, with drumming and candles and lots of deep listening and singing. A couple of days later we spent the evening keeping Yulefire in the courtyard of the local Unitarian Universalist congregation, from "before first service" through "after last service." Each year we burn the logs of last year's Yule Tree in this fire, which begins with last year's Yule Log (which was the base of the Tree the year before). This year I was at the fire from before it was lit until after it was out.

Magic

Community magic with coven, celebrating Yule at mid-month. A little personal magic during the trip, but not as much as I would prefer. I'm doing a little work to attract my next loom ... stay tuned.

Sobriety

Not much interest in attending meetings these days. DH continues daily alcohol, almost exclusively confined to evenings, though now that we're here I expect he'll go back to beers at lunch. During the past few months I've made several experiments about drinking with him, mostly finding that even a single glass of wine is more than I want. Once again I'm able to track wine in the evening against reduced clarity the following day or two. So probably this experiment is at an end. By February I predict we are trying once again to negotiate an alcohol-free life, but we're not there yet. Partly because he will be flying back to NJ for two weeks without me, shortly.

Spiritual Practice

Found my meditation cushions yesterday and started setting up an altar. Haven't sat in months. Soon it will be time for Full Moon Ritual, meeting my covenmates on the astral even though we're not gathering in person. I look forward to that with great eagerness.

That's all for this update; part Two later on.

Begin with the end in mind.

So the "end" I seek is enjoying my life.

Just now that looks pretty narrow.

I start to talk about my general good health, and right away a paragraph emerges that is all focused on the momentary back spasms I've been having since about Thursday. I know what caused them, I'm pretty sure my chiropractor will give me lots of great help, the minutiae of exactly what happened and exactly what it's been like, moment to moment, is of no interest, even to me. But I've had to throw away that paragraph three times. I might not keep this one either.

So yes, part of "enjoying my life" is "enjoying my robust good health." More genuine exercise seems appropriate. I gave up a gym membership I wasn't using, but maybe it's time to go back? At least, I think I'll start regular swimming again. I could eat slightly more intelligently, but first I would have to be willing to give that some attention, which isn't happening this week.

Then there's the question of 'useful work.'

Cherry Hill Seminary deserves more of my attention than it gets, many weeks, but other weeks I find myself diving right in and doing a decent job. I suspect my days of doing a stellar job might be over -- not enough consecutive memory, and a certain amount of dropping the ball -- but it's hard to tell if that's permanent. And in the meantime the Student Handbook I wrote has been mostly subsumed into the new Catalog with excellent results.

I continue to feel that I'd like to be volunteering at the University of Santa Monica, but I would have to live there to make that workable. And at this moment I'm not sure I really want to do that -- except for USM and the fact that one of my kids lives there, I don't enjoy a lot of Los Angeles sprawl-and-freeway life. If I live close, it's expensive; if I live far enough away to be cheaper, then it's a long freeway drive. So I don't seem to be moving in that direction at the moment.

Hospice volunteering continues useful and fascinating by turns, but highly variable. Offering Reiki to people with illness, injury, pain or disturbance continues to feel comfortable and valuable. And sometimes it feels self-serving. Does it provide genuine relief that people experience? or are they just being nice and allowing me to do something that obviously feels so right to me? Sometimes I'm not sure.

And what about companionship, relationships, interactions?

A few good friends. A few groups that seem to value me; sometimes I enjoy my participation, sometimes it's a chore, occasionally it feels like a "pass time" in the same way as playing solitaire. What is in my life just now that actually has value to me? Where am I attached to the wrong things? Where am I not attached enough?

Dear Husband is in Guatemala. I am here. When I'm on the boat, I wish we were sailing, I miss my loom, my coven, my friends, my New Jersey life. But here in New Jersey, I look around and wonder what there is in this New Jersey life that keeps me from sailing?

Perhaps what I'm experiencing just now is depression. Or perhaps it's the end of an era, a time of reassessing and culling and choosing. When we move out of this house, what will I keep? What space do I really require? What space would I prefer? Can I afford the difference?

Perhaps what I'm experiencing now is the beginning of old age. First I gave away my ice skates (a bone scan with "osteoporosis" in the title is enough to say 'no more falling on ice for you.'). I want to go skiing this winter but it's been about five years since I did. Maybe I'm not really in shape for skiing just now, but what would it take to train for it? I want to imagine myself lean and lithe, flexible and strong, but it might be wishful thinking.

My skin in the mirror is wrinkled, beginning to thicken. My hair is grey, beginning to thin. When I get dressed up I look dressed up, but no longer am I able to look ravishing or strikingly beautiful.

If my goal is to enjoy my life there are some things I'd better change.

Way past time for an update. Sometimes I think this screen before me is an amazing time-suck; sometimes it's an amazing assistant.

Relationships

Talking better. Talking more. Lots better boundaries. More of the elephants in the room are getting talked about, acknowledged, even taken out for some exercise. And their detritus is getting shoveled away, too. More clarity in the household around what's working and what isn't. More motion on some of the old stuck crap.

Something must be in motion elsewhere, too, because in early September, in fact only days apart, two of our kids announced impending divorces. Both seem to be doing much better having come to those decisions; we'll see what the future holds.

And, in our household there's more acknowledgment that some of the stuff that we'd like to happen, won't. Or won't until next summer. But at least we're being honest about it.

Writing

Last two semesters I wrote about 120 pages of usable memoir. Getting better at writing / reconstructing dialog that sounds like the way my family members actually talked, back in the 50s and 60s. Getting better at unearthing some of the buried feelings, the mistaken conclusions. Getting much better at making that stuff clear to readers, once I can see it myself. Still nowhere near a saleable MS, but I'm putting it on the back burner for a year or so anyway.

Chaplaincy

I've served a couple of times as hospital chaplain for a CUUPS member who was having surgery, and a couple of times I've officiated or facilitated at a rite of passage for a friend.

Dropped the ball on dealing with my local hospital this summer; spent my energy getting ready for the first-ever Master's degrees at Cherry Hill Seminary instead. In the spring, though, it'll be a high-priority item. The response, as recently as last week, to a patient saying their religion was "Wicca" was still, "We don't have that here. I'll put you down as 'other'." (sigh).

Medical

I feel pretty good, but will be getting a chiropractic adjustment and a gynecological checkup before I leave for the tropics anyway. Vision good, hearing fair (slowly fading, probably age related). Some carpal tunnel symptoms when I spend too much time on my Macbook.

Celebration

This is birthday month in our house; three of the four of us were born in October. This year all celebrations are low-key, no big ends-in-zero birthdays and lots of productivity going on. But a few presents are good.

Magic

Getting to spend the weekend doing several things -- possibly that's an overdose, we'll see.

This year most Full Moons have been celebrated solitary or not at all, instead of my usual practice of getting to circle together for about half of them in the year.

I missed celebrating Imbolc with anyone atall, but went to Pantheacon and got to speak to lots of people and participate in some lovely trancework. I celebrated Ostara with open public ritual, missed Beltane altogether, celebrated Litha once in open public ritual and once in invitation-only coven space, on consecutive days. Then I went to Starwood and Sirius Rising, came home and celebrated Lammas on two consecutive days, one public, one invitation-only. Then Mabon twice, two days apart, and now Samhain on two consecutive days ... and possibly on the following Sunday morning as well.

So why am I feeling deprived? Looks to me like I've been well-companioned for, really, all but Beltane and Imbolc. I will miss Yule, which I will be celebrating alone in a Roman Catholic country where I don't speak the language. And my Dear Husband is a muggle; probably we will get invited to Christmas festivities instead. But I am, anyway, eager for the weekend's opportunities coming up.

Sobriety

Since getting back from Guatemala I've sometimes had many days of no alcohol in a row, and sometimes a few days of alcohol daily. The few times I've run into any of the folks from the meetings I attended last year it has felt like pressure. Mostly I'm noticing that there's a huge difference between having a beer at dinner out, when everyone is and there's no big deal, and having a beer, and then another, when home for the evening. Mostly I'm noticing that the desire for a beer seems to mostly be code for "I don't want to be doing what I'm doing, having the conversation I'm having, pretending there isn't a conversation I'd rather have instead" or something like that.

Mostly I'm noticing what it means and taking the opportunity to express my preference, rather than drink while doing something I don't want. Still pretty clear that meetings aren't it, especially with the presumption that "I am powerless" is a good thing to be telling myself daily.

Spiritual Practice

Daily meditation is averaging about 23 days/month. Just now working with the format from Servants of the Light. Feeling calm and centered.

Keeping Commitments

Doing pretty well at being on time, reminding myself what's coming up. The big exception has been appointments with my shrink; I've been late to more than three this quarter and actually forgotten all about it twice. Presumably this is more about 'stuff I don't want to work on' than any dissatisfaction with the therapist or the work we do.

Physical Reality

My bedroom is cleaner. Last month Dear Husband and I each unpacked almost ten boxes from the basement, went through their contents, got the bulk of the stuff out of here (trash or thrift shop), put the rest where it goes. Then I made the mistake of bringing four boxes of my mother's Archive into the living room to sort, where they have stayed for three weeks. I'll need to finish with them before I leave town in mid-November. (sheesh).

Plans

We've begun the process of talking about what we might want to do in later retirement. Is there a place we'd like to live, if we didn't stay here? Or what would it take to be able to stay in this house forever? We've begun laying out the things we would like to get done next year, too. Scheduled Thanksgiving 2010 for another huge bash here, warned folks it might be the last one. Started setting up the field to be pasture for one of our neighbors, arranging fencing and so on.

Overwhelm and Overbooking

Just now things look under control. I've had a couple of 60-hour weeks during the ramp-up to Cherry Hill's first semester of master's classes, and now the first-ever admissions process for degree candidates, but that looks like smoothing out about now. I've embarked on another year of school at University of Santa Monica, finishing a master's in Spiritual Psychology with an emphasis in Consciousness, Health and Healing; I expect that to be deep and time-consuming work with a fine payoff in improved health and gentler aging.

Love and light and lots of laughter

So, now that we're in port again, one possible plan for Daily Practice looks like this:

Get up, brush teeth, drink water.

Do yoga at least 10 minutes, ending with Deep Relaxation for 1-5 minutes.

Sit in the godform position (familiar from all those Pharaoh statues), do 4-2-4 breathing, open one chakra, meditate 10-20 minutes on a Seed Thought or Koan.

Make tea. Turn on computer.

Another part of Daily Practice this month is beginning to develop a Sunday Worship service around Daily Practice. Our preliminary discussions suggest it might be the UU usual: invocation, introit, opening hymn, offertory, etc, with sermon (by me) and reflection (by another worship associate), closing hymn, closing words. But what if I want to actually DO some 'daily practice' in this one-off venue as visiting clergy?

For starters, perhaps we should import the Ringing of the Bell, which in our home congregation signals the end of Announcements and Welcoming Comments and the beginning of 'Let us worship together.'

There are dozens of Daily Practices that could be brought to people's attention, whether by description or by demonstration.

One local author (I think -- better check this) has suggested that a profoundly Unitarian Universalist personal practice could be memorizing uplifting poetry. I haven't actually tried this as a daily practice, but I bet she's right.

My parents-in-law used to have a daily practice of Checking Off the Calendar, putting a large red X through another day just before turning on the ten o'clock news.

My mom used to have a daily practice of singing bedtime songs to the assembled children in the bedroom of the youngest just before Lights Out -- the same 4 or 5 songs every night, and then 1 or 2 others by request, for more than a decade that I remember.

A young opera student I know has a Daily Practice of singing arias first thing in the morning, in full voice.

One of my teachers suggests keeping a Gratitude Journal, a nightly writing of at least one thing you are grateful for.

All of these could be examples of 'what you focus your attention on, you become.'

Meditation comes to mind at once, of various kinds. Yoga can be a daily practice. So can exercise. Katherine Hepburn -- do young people still watch her movies? -- made a daily practice of swimming in the sea no matter what the weather. Did it for years in Long Island Sound off the coast of Connecticut where she lived.

Most middleclass Americans make a daily practice of brushing their teeth, at least, and many of them also brush hair, paint on makeup, dress and armor themselves for the workplace. How does that shape their days?

And then there's the opposite of Daily Practice: chaos, sloth, breaking commitments -- whatever is 'opposite' for each of us, I suspect.

The Work of Making Our Lives goes on in every second, every minute, hour, day ... if we engage ourselves in a Daily Practice that brings us into focus, our Lives are made in a focused way. If we engage ourselves in following the path of least resistance or being pushed around by mass-media information overload, our Lives are made in a different, perhaps less-focused way. But whether we make a commitment to Daily Practice or not, our Lives will be made. Whether we keep our commitments -- to practice, to one another, to our word, whatever -- or not, our Lives WILL be made. And the Work of making our Lives is much altered by the quality of our daily practices, whether chosen consciously or unconsciously, whether chosen with close attention and intention, or not.

When first beginning a Daily Practice, many things arise that may be familiar to folks who have quit, or tried to quit, 'bad habits.' Backsliding and falling down are typical and not problematic. It doesn't matter whether you trip and fall, what matters is how soon and how smoothly you can get back up. And, to some extent, how long you can stay up before you fall again.

So maybe I'm on a roll here. More to think about as I go about the rest of the day.

Current Location: in port

Between the Worlds. Every four years I get to see a bigger glimpse of something far larger than whatever I have dreamed before.

Each time, including the first one (where I had barely even heard the term 'witch' and thought I was showing up at a 50-person gathering put on by a young acquaintance's little group she called 'my coven'), I have felt the strong pull of consciously ceremonial, rigorous magic.

I've been a Reclaiming witch, at least, mostly, since about 1993. Can I really learn the lore that underlies high ceremonial magick? Will I really devote the time that such conscious and conscientious work requires? (Do I really want to say 'no' to this, yet again?)

After each such gathering I've felt the pull. What blocks me? Should I keep listening to it? or let it natter on while I go about my business? Three years ago I printed out all the application material for Servants of the Light and then balked. Is it fear of initiation that stops me? Fear of conflict among my assorted teachers in and out of Magick? (But why would that be? One truth, many paths ... and anything that doesn't work for me has always fallen away when no longer useful.)

Fear. Issues of unworthiness. Concern about rigor, and scholarship. What if I actually can do 'measurable' magick in addition to the magick I intuitively 'know' has worked? What am I afraid to know? to find out? to discover?

Doesn't matter much what the fears are. Doesn't even matter much where, geographically, I expect to be.

Time to do the work.

Current Location: office with cleared floor and gray sky
Current Music: blissful silence after busy morning

Just made plane reservations and registered for my second-ever consecutive weekend at Mystery School. I have two seminary Final Project papers due that week, and the last class meeting of one class is supposed to be Thursday Night at 9 pm, on-line. Can I attend class from the Grove or will an hour's chatroom use up too much bandwidth? Will ritual be over by 9 pm or will I need to duck out early? or can I really skip the last class? Lots of swirling thoughts of the 'what am I thinking?' variety.

But in a different part of consciousness, I can't not be there. Too much of me wants feeding to wait until 'later.'

Lots of struggle with what to do, just generally. I've been home a week and at the moment what I'm noticing is my discomfort. It's great to be with these beloved and long-missed people, really, it is. And yet all my avoidance behaviors are up, I'm not yet unpacked, I just started laundry today because the laundry room was becoming untenable. Daily practice has received far too little attention since I got home, even compared to how it was on the boat.

So: What would I do if I didn't feel encumbered? or obligated? or in some other way restricted? What am I putting ahead of self-fulfilment in the highest and deepest sense? How (and how quickly) can I simply stop with the bullshit?

Last weekend at the Grove I really got that what I choose to do is 'whatever it was that I chose embodiment for'. I can't see the purpose of my life as 'to be a happily blind consumer of retail, catalog, internet, and televised diversion.' But if it's some more significant purpose, then I need to let go of all this other stuff and focus my attention. Similarly, it might be that the purpose of this embodiment is deeply entwined with personal relationships, partnership, marriage, and so on. But surely that doesn't mean 'watching TV together' or 'drinking beer together'. Does it?

So ... more Grove time. More focused homework, in Seminary and in more personal ways. More personal development and Self expression (especially, more expression of my Deepest Self or most-Divine self-connection). Maybe a dog in my life, someone to care for and share with without the need for 'talk.' More pages on the novel. More weaving, painting. Reading only what serves me. Hmm.

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Current Location: top of the house
Current Music: Negra Modelo buzzing in my head

This week it's time to head back North.

It's funny how weird that feels. There've been times when I keenly missed close people, favorite activities, some kinds of art that are hard to do in confined spaces or without lots of cleanup water -- there've been a few times when I wanted nothing more than to be home. But now that I'm starting to pack ... I wish I were staying here longer.

I'm loving the boaters' community here, the supportive commaraderie, the water, the wind, the motion of the boat. I've loved the opportunity to just 'be' together. And, I've missed the people who speak to deeper parts of me, who are willing to step forward and do the work of becoming, who see emotional processes as helpful guides to be decoded rather than scary intrusions to be ignored. (Does that sound judgmental? Well, maybe a bit -- but we just had our first 'distance' fight t'other day).

Not going straight home, though -- getting a rare chance to spend a weekend in Missouri (not precisely 'on the way') doing the deep work my soul craves.

Where will the journey take me? I dunno -- but this is the New Moon of Leadership and Listening, at least for me, and so far the month has been full of self-awareness and not a little self-criticism. What would I do if I felt myself free to do it? (What goes on inside me that I don't feel 'free' to do it? What are the 'rules' and 'hidden loyalties' and 'agreements' I think I have to follow that prevent me from 'doing it' ?)

This week I looked up and discovered I've been doing daily practice consistently more than 5 days a week for 12 weeks now. I'm loving that, and finding it serves me well. Earlier I realized that our 'fight' arrived after two days of skipping practice -- first time in weeks that I'd let two days go by at once -- and I see that daily practice is having the effect of letting me clear out my emotions before they pile up too deeply, like snow that turns to ice and has to fall off the roof in an avalanche.

Peacefulness (on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being 'most'): 4
Loving Attitude: 3
Altitude of my viewpoint: 3
Uplifiting Guidance I'm receiving: 3
Joy: 2

:)

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: Orion, on mooring E-4
Current Music: wind generator next door

My work as a study subject is going well.

-- Consciously contacting my various friends among Deity and Divinity first thing in the morning feels lovely, and it's interesting to see that different ones come forward on successive days. Guardians, Sacred Fire, God Hirself ... so far.

-- Moving first thing in the morning is educational -- did I really think I could do Sun Salutation just a few minutes out of bed? In three days I've learned that I'm better off starting with stretching. If I'm going to do warrior poses I need to be moving for longer than three minutes first.

-- Free-writing first thing in the morning feels marvelous, and may stick as a long-term practice (or if it doesn't, I'd like at least to remember that I'm loving it and can do it any morning I choose). Our instructions are to write a bit what's present now, allow an inquiry to come forward, sit silent and listening for a reply. Some of the replies I have heard have been stunning in their simplicity, the sort of thing that's "obvious" now that the most creative thinker in the room has given it voice.

Work on Second Summit is going well.

-- Good news about structure: Dear Husband got a window out of its frame yesterday and discovered that the horrible creeping rot visible on the inside of the cabin is limited to the mostly-decorative plywood interior; the thick fiberglas body of the cabintop is intact. Yay!

-- Confirmation of bad news about recent maintenance: DH found they'd used at least two different kinds of sealant on the window (probably the second in an ill-considered attempt to stop a leak by caulking the inside, thereby increasing the rot's progress by trapping water, instead of the outside to keep the water out). No idea yet what it is, but chisel and scrubbing have removed nearly all of it from the aluminum frame. Next stop: automotive glass repair shop where we hope they can install a new window in the frame, leaving us with only one joint to seal instead of two.

-- Learned some of the local tricks for no-see-ums (those biting flies about twice the size of the period at the end of this sentence. They bite hard and leave a circular red welt the size of the capital 'O' in this typeface. Within minutes the welt itches and continues itching intermittently for days). Seems a combination of light and specific-pheromone lure (away from where we're sitting, please) to attract them to a bug-zapper ... and a citronella candle to send them away from where we're sitting ... so we tried these, and they are at least some help. Maybe next week I won't be so polkadotted.

Living on Orion is settling down.

-- Everything is finally dry.

-- Most everything is finally stowed. We've already discovered we need two complete sets of kitchen utensils; it's just too confusing to take things over to Second Summit and then not remember for sure which boat has what.

-- We've got a 2007 calendar posted and marked-up; we still need a 2007 tide chart.

-- My 'standard boat clothes' list was clearly made in different weather: I've been doing laundry more often in order to have clean tank-tops, and haven't needed any of my turtlenecks in over a week. Do I need more clothing storage? (I could do that, it'd just be cumbersome.) Do I need to re-organize? (of course, always.) Definitely I need a visit to the local thrift store and more tank-tops; laundromat twice a week is not in my preferred schedule.

-- DH has cooked every night of the year (so far) and is cooking again tonight. Since neither of us had a home-cooked meal from Dec 16 to 31, this is a nice surprise.

Surprises of tropical life.

-- Second Summit has at least one resident crab. About two-inch diameter body, with cute tiny claws that could probably make a nice hole in one of my toes if I got close enough. We've seen it twice now, once on the finger-pier next to the boat, and today it was crawling along the rub rail. When I suggested it ought to leave, it moved smartly away from where we were about to step over it to get aboard, but instead of dropping into the water or crawling onto the pier, it went under the rubrail and into a windowframe. I find myself imagining that the first time it finds an open window it will move indoors ... and then be scuttling under my feet some morning. Guess I've gotta watch my step now.

-- Everywhere has ~~roaches~~ palmetto bugs. I shared my shoreside shower with one yesterday (she stayed in her corner, I stayed in mine). Haven't seen any on Orion but watched one crawl through the seam in a bilge cover on Second Summit.

-- Even my skin is different. Moisturizers that work well up north don't seem to do much here, or else stay on the surface like grease.

I'm watching myself muttering and meandering. Do I really have nothing to say? Am I procrastinating on my things-to-do list?

Love and light and lots of laughter

:)

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: Orion at dockside
Current Music: Florida breeze

The V-berth mattress was finally dry yesterday - a real bed, at last!

Orion is pretty-well stowed now, not exactly ready for cruising but at least I know where everything is.

Dear Mate turned an ankle a couple of weeks ago, and carefully ignored the resulting swelling and discomfort. Then last night he turned it further and heard an audible 'pop'. He's confident it's not broken. I'm confident it's sprained. Will he go to ER or even phone a local doctor's office? (Does the President buy his own socks?).

He did let me wrap it in cold-wrap. This morning he did put on a drugstore brace, before I was even awake.

Now I know it's sprained. I'm proud of him though; this morning he opted for taking the car in for service and sitting in the waiting room, rather than getting right into another up-and-down-the-companionway-ladder project.

This week we've settled into the rhythm of being in port. Mornings are for doing projects -- working on Second Summit or doing laundry, routine car maintenance or working on the novel, washing dishes or finding someone to repair the canvas the mice ate. Lunch out about 1:30 or so, then whatever shopping needs doing (it's good to stay in other people's air-conditioning during the heat of the day, at least, most days). Evenings are for socializing, catching up on e-mail, watching old movies on TV.

Yesterday's big accomplishment: the refrigeration in Second Summit is now working, at least on the ship's own battery power. Still to diagnose: why was it unplugged from both 'shore' power and 'generator' power (the more efficient 110-volt system)? Maybe there's no problem, and just plugging it back in will suffice ... but maybe not.

Monday, in addition to this boating life, I start on a new project -- I'm participating in a study of spiritual practice.

For the next ten weeks I will spend 10 minutes or more each day following the study protocol excerpted below, preferably in the mornings:

"1. Pray -- get in touch with Divinity however you do that. Set your intention...

"2. Do 3 minutes of movement while focusing on your intention and maintaining your inner connection with Divinity. ..." [probably most days I will do Yoga; some days I will probably dance].

"3. Do some form of spiritual practice for 3 minutes or more ..." [probably I will sit in meditation; probably most days this will be for more than 3 minutes].

"4. Write for four minutes. Start with a few sentences about what's present with you right now ... Let an inquiry come forward ... Set your intention to connect to the highest source of wisdom within you. Go inside. Listen. When you start to sense, hear, see, or feel anything, write it down. ...

"5. Once you've completed these steps, record on your tracking sheet what you did and how you are. Please track every day. ..."

I'm excited; lately spiritual practice has been sloppy and intermittent. I'm scared; what if I drop the ball? What if being on "island time" gets in the way of even this? I'm confident; this support is just what I'm needing just now to help me get back on track.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: Orion with breeze blowing through
Current Music: breeze

This entry began as a comment in a friend's journal ... and then it just kept growing (grin). Thanks to

bellamagic
For me there can definitely be "too much" structure ... I have found myself running so fast to keep up with my 'schedule' that there seems no time for reflection, relaxation, love, meditation, sleep, or friends. (This happened a lot during the years of two-job household with two teenagers in residence ... but it also has happened during the retirement time, just because there's so much delightful stuff one might commit to doing.)

And there can definitely be "too little" structure ... when I’ve had just one project due any time this month, and arrived at the 5th of _next_ month without having started. Having done just pretty much nothing -- or only 'reading junk' and 'playing computer solitaire', which is pretty much nothing -- for the whole time.

Nowadays I find that the purpose of a plan is to keep me in focus in the present. It might _also_ be to accomplish the original goal in the plan, and it _may_ even be that all the steps in the original plan get completed ... but the chief purpose is that having a plan keeps my minute-to-minute experience in focus. And I enjoy that more than other modes of 'just randomly being'.

So it helps to sit down before bed and write the six things I'm definitely going to do tomorrow -- appointments, phone calls, do-list items, fun, whatever.

So it helps to have a longish-term project in progress -- graduating from Cherry Hill Seminary, say. Or the novel-in-progress of which about 50 good pages exist, together with an outline of parts One and Two (out of Three or at most Four) that's pretty solid.

And it helps to have a medium-term project in progress -- say, the placemats I just finished for Bob and the ones I've just started for Harry, which keeps me weaving (which I deeply enjoy) and which follow from last year's commitment in a charity auction ...

And from these it follows naturally that today I will tie on at least another 24 threads of the 136-thread warp for Harry's mats. And today I will continue cleaning up my office from the end of the marathon Novel-writing workshop that helped me make 50 good pages out of 150 rather wandering pages last quarter.

And also today I will call the tax person, set up an appointment for an oil change, take back the yarn that shrank appallingly last week, eat both yogurt (for breakfast) and lots of citrus (for the cold that continues to demand it), do laundry. Do my daily practice, do a few yoga stretches, do my homework.

... and experience my day and myself as 'in focus.'

Current Mood: in focus
Current Location: Office with clear floor space and rain outside my windows
Current Music: Chuck Greenberg: From a Blue Planet

So, okay, one reason for all this addiction / avoidance behavior is to not face up to my need for other people's approval. To not notice that the perfectionist streak is back. To not acknowledge that I was liking my life better when I was meditating every day and doing ritual weekly.

Some inner voice is afraid to have all this relaxation, peace, focus, freedom, and power.

Thanks to quedishtu's questions a few days ago, and marys_daughter's rants and sermons, and angelweed's courage ... today I am less afraid and more centered.

Today I can hear that the fearful inner voice thinks that if I really had freedom I would leave all my current family and friends and go live in an ashram. Maybe I would, of course, but even if I did that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, wouldn't necessarily mean abandoning them or hurting their feelings.

Then again, maybe I wouldn't. Maybe if I meditated daily and ate in a balanced way and slept in a comfortable bed and read the things that feed me and focused my attention ... and, and, and ... maybe "all" that would happen is that my life would smoothe out, right where I am, with all the same family and friends, AND I would like myself better, and also like them better. Or maybe some third thing.

How absurd to keep myself tied to addicitve behavior now, to keep myself off the meditation cushion now, in service to the feared possibility that ten years down the road I might ...

I think this year is enough to pay attention to. And this day is the place where action can be taken.

Goddess Bless You, I Love You, Peace, Be Still, Listen and Know God Hirself

Current Mood: searching
Current Location: with a headache under a too-bright light
Current Music: Michael Benghiat: Meditation

Gray day. Third day home from Thorn's class ... and still I haven't made time for personal practice. Is this the inner saboteur? What am I afraid of? What am I making more important than my work? my word? my Life?

Keeping commitments is good, but some of these commitments were only made, really, because someone asked and the calendar was empty. How do I change my habits to make my time more focused? When I seek empty avoidance behavior (the most typical lately is mindlessly playing computer solitaire), what's going on in my life? in my head or heart?

Today I will glaze a bowl and several smaller pieces. Today I may finish the sample weaving I'm making with the loom waste from the prayer stoles of three years ago. Today we move the RV from the brake-and-wheel-bearing repairshop to the roof-leak repair shop. Tonight is Macha's workshop on Grief and Death. Then what?

Tending Joy

Moonrise

New Year Update, part One of several

Beginning a New Year

Updates before Samhain

Dailiness

The Science of Magic

Following the instructions of Herself

Leaving to go 'home'

Life in the New Year

Life in port

Structure

Navel gazing

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June 2025

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