Navel gazing

[joyfinderhero]

So, okay, one reason for all this addiction / avoidance behavior is to not face up to my need for other people's approval. To not notice that the perfectionist streak is back. To not acknowledge that I was liking my life better when I was meditating every day and doing ritual weekly.

Some inner voice is afraid to have all this relaxation, peace, focus, freedom, and power.

Thanks to quedishtu's questions a few days ago, and marys_daughter's rants and sermons, and angelweed's courage ... today I am less afraid and more centered.

Today I can hear that the fearful inner voice thinks that if I really had freedom I would leave all my current family and friends and go live in an ashram. Maybe I would, of course, but even if I did that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, wouldn't necessarily mean abandoning them or hurting their feelings.

Then again, maybe I wouldn't. Maybe if I meditated daily and ate in a balanced way and slept in a comfortable bed and read the things that feed me and focused my attention ... and, and, and ... maybe "all" that would happen is that my life would smoothe out, right where I am, with all the same family and friends, AND I would like myself better, and also like them better. Or maybe some third thing.

How absurd to keep myself tied to addicitve behavior now, to keep myself off the meditation cushion now, in service to the feared possibility that ten years down the road I might ...

I think this year is enough to pay attention to. And this day is the place where action can be taken.

Goddess Bless You, I Love You, Peace, Be Still, Listen and Know God Hirself

Comments

[bellamagic.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about the struggle with addiction, but am greatly appreciating this posting.

[swansister.livejournal.com]

I think it is brave of you to share this with us all.

It is also very inspiring to your truthfulness and honestly with yourself.

Fiercly,

Swan