Tending Joy

 Keeping myself current, somehow -- oh, and keeping you current, too.

Relationships

Dear Husband and I continue in counseling. T'other day he acknowledged that he's getting value out of it, for himself as well as for the relationship. I'm getting value out of it too, more for myself than for any real or lasting improvement in the relationship. We are talking better -- which is excellent. Sadly, the more clearly we talk the more clear it becomes that we have fundamental differences that may not be resolvable.

He said not long ago that he thinks of life as a series of projects. Which might be great, except that whenever he's in mid-project he can't do anything else. He feels guilty if we take an afternoon off and aggrieved if I want his attention for something 'frivolous' like 'having fun together' instead of completing an obligation we have taken on. When we started in counseling the 'project' was the great boat rebuilding -- which had us in Guatemala for four winters running without ever leaving the boatyard village except for one weekend. We processed that to death, after the fact, but this spring he's done the same thing with the project of cleaning house for being on the market, and again with the project of putting up fences for goats.

But even when we're building fences I still need to do hospice work, to meditate, to do coven magic, to study, to weave, to dance, to cuddle. Somehow all these become distractions and ways in which I abandon him while he's stuck with the project. Even though I don't want him to be stuck with the project, I just want us to have some 'life' together in addition to the 'obligation'. The more we try to talk about this the more he insists that he has to continue to live his life the way he was brought up -- to be always committing to responsibility and always putting that responsibility first.

I, on the other hand, have spent much of the past 20 years trying to grow out of my own upbringing, especially sometimes when it seems that it doesn't support my growth and upliftment. The impulse to Calvinistic self-denial dies hard, but it can be reduced. I wish I could find a way to make that clearer to him.

In other news, the tone of conversation in the household has moderated. Now that it's really clear that we need to sell the property some resentment and backlash have given way to actual progress, both on 'clearing out stuff that won't go with' and 'figuring out where to move to, and how'. It will be a big wrench for at least three of us to separate into two pairs in different places, but it has become more and more clear that this is necessary. Too many things have been too far out of balance for too long. Affection is still there, but sometimes even people we love need to move on.

I haven't spent much time with the kids and grandkids this year, but we're in more touch via 'social networking' media. It's an interesting shift. And in another month I expect to have some time with a new grandbaby, due in September.

Writing

Pretty much nothing is happening. I write lengthy comments on other people's blogs, very occasionally, and sometimes a longish e-mail. But no progress on the memoir since the last Gotham Writers Workshop class ended in the spring. I'll get back to it, but I'm not sure quite when.

My advice to the rest of you is: Start writing your memoirs in your 40s or 50s, while you still have significant short-term memory to help you keep it all organized. Waiting until 60 was foolish.

Chaplaincy

Recently served as chaplain for a friend having surgery. Was accepted by the hospital personnel with a minimum of hassle. Continuing to like the feeling of helping people be present to the parts they want to focus on and release the unnecessary parts.

Medical

Seems the gastric distresses of the past couple of years are related to a combination of stress and stupid dietary indiscretion. Just because yogurt is easy doesn't mean I should try to live on it. Just because it's unavailable somewhere doesn't mean I should quit it cold turkey. Making sure I actually get both protein and fresh vegetables seems key. Possible gluten sensitivity but this doesn't seem to be a big problem just now. Gotta watch out for depression.

Otherwise I am in robustly delightful good health.

Celebration

One of the frustrations of my life is that we have utterly failed to find ways to celebrate that both of us enjoy. For our 25th wedding anniversary last year we agonized over what to do. Ended up that he took me dancing "for graduation" (from the MA I completed last year) and then I helped him give a party "for several reasons" including the anniversary. I like dancing, he doesn't. He likes parties, I don't. After all that we said we'd "be sure" to celebrate our 26th. But it was last week, and we were so focused on building fences for the goats that he canceled his birthday celebration and suggested we push back our anniversary for the following week. But that week was over yesterday. Did we celebrate? What do you think?

Magic

Lots of coven work this month, and I'm loving it. Put in my request to work toward initiation and have a plan for that work. Have started some of the pieces of it.

Sobriety

The occasional single glass of wine or beer. T'other night a gin and tonic, just the one. No difficulties, no confusion, not much pull to drink more. Looks like the Guatemala experience had more to do with deprivation than alcoholism in particular.

Spiritual Practice

I keep promising myself that I'll meditate tomorrow. What is THAT about?

Keeping commitments

I'm doing better at resisting the temptation to say Yes too fast. I'm doing better at being where I said I would be and doing what I said I would do. Biggest improvement: Actually calling people as soon as I realize I can't meet a commitment, rather than waiting to the eleventh hour and hoping against hope for a miraculous change in whatever's in the way.

Physical reality

I'm loving having goats. I'm also looking forward to selling them off in about three weeks, then starting over with a new batch of young kids.

Plans

We've started talking about the sailing trip up through Belize in February or March or maybe April. Haven't really started the planning process yet, but starting to talk about doing it.

In three weeks we go to Ireland with a group, planning to visit some sacred sites. I can't wait ... and I'm aware that I don't yet have all the information I'll need to make good plans. 

Overwhelm / Overbookedness

Finally took steps a couple of weeks ago to put myself on hiatus with several commitments while we sort out the goats project and get the house sold. Now it feels like there's room. I'm back to weaving and took the current project off the loom tonight. It's either 'finished' or tomorrow's in-depth examination will tell me I need to replace one or two of the placemats in the set. But then ... on to the next warp.

I am so glad for the people who read and respond to what I write here. It helps to feel that there's a place to dump the contents of my head, where I have a chance of being heard, listened to, understood.

Love, light and laughter to you all

Progress.

Talking, planning, figuring out.

Recognizing that both of us need better communication skills.

Tears. 

Drained.

Quiet.

Do you know what you want yet?

Spending lots of time the past few weeks clearing out, consolidating, cleaning up. Several trips to the thrift store's donation site. One trip to the auction house with a half a truckload. A dozen things on eBay and craigslist, about an equal number sold as not.

Lots of dreams about houses in disrepair. Struggle. Today I argued with everyone in the house for at least a few minutes, one at a time. Maybe tomorrow I won't be on my feet from 6 am to 5 pm.

Tired.

How lovely to have the Full Moon and the Autumnal Equinox coinciding!

One result is a luscious abundance of ritual. Sunday I celebrated a new connection to an initiatory lineage (though not an initiation, at least not yet), and then an hour later retraced the journey of Persephone in a celebration of Mabon with the same group. Tuesday celebrated Mabon with a less-structured group of mostly longtime friends, singing and chanting and weaving vines. Friday (today) celebrated the Moon with magic to clear and ground.

Lessons, so far:

* The well-worn path may be easier to follow simply because it is wider, more clearly defined, the pitfalls labeled and warded.

* The eclectic path may have more freedom, and certainly offers more opportunity for experimental, unskilled participation -- with results that can be surprisingly effective, or surprisingly unsatisfying, by turns.

* We are all connected. The incidence of serendipity has been extraordinary.

* It seems possible that the chief purpose of family is to drive me crazy until I surrender. Twice this week (or maybe more?) I have had the experience of finally feeling fed up, stating a firm boundary, walking away to honor my unwillingness for that boundary to be violated ... and at once found the offending family member stepping forward to honor (in one case, for the very first time) my request.

* There is nothing so wonderful as deep work with friends.

* There is nothing so wonderful as deep work with people I may hardly know in ordinary circumstances but can know and trust deeply in ritual space.

* This is a wonderful moment to be incarnate.

It's official -- or actually, it became official on July 31, 2009: Cherry Hill Seminary now offers a 72-credit Master of Divinity, a 60-credit Master of Pagan Pastoral Care and Counseling, a 48-credit Master of Pagan Ministry and a 48-credit Master of Pagan Studies!

Cherry Hill Seminary is now accepting applications to those degree programs, and also to three Certificate programs.

Much of the past 6 weeks has been spent refining the Student Handbook and negotiating the many nuances of conflicting policy and administrative procedure that go into such a large undertaking. Undoubtedly there will be revisions in progress, and I'm already working on an FAQ list of questions students and applicants have thought of that we staffers did not. But enough of the important stuff is done, and proofread, and posted so that folks can find what they need to know.

Yippee!

Things I've learned:

Just because something worked last time doesn't mean it will work this time.

Just because something didn't work last time doesn't mean it won't work this time.

It is often possible to reduce a complicated situation to a set of instructions to follow. If doing that works to solve the problem, sometimes it takes all the fun out of it. If doing that doesn't work to solve the problem, sometimes it takes all the fun out of doing it, and I feel resentful, too.

Being present / being creative / being creatively present usually works better.

Sometimes I feel the urge to just run away. Maybe a change of scenery will give me a different view of myself. Maybe a change of activity will produce a change of attitude. Maybe I'm just putting my ladder against the wrong wall, and if I want a different destination I will need to change paths.

Sometimes leaving has seemed to serve me well. (Of course, when I've left, I haven't seen what might have happened if I'd stayed.)

Sometimes staying has seemed to serve me well. (Of course, there's no telling what might have happened if I'd left.)

One definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing and expecting different results.

One definition of insanity might be: Expecting the same results in different situations.

Just because someone is passive in one situation doesn't mean they can't act in another.

Just because someone is active in one situation doesn't mean they can't pass in another.

People are more the same than they are different. Upbringings may be more different than they are the same.

When I can slow myself down, I am more able to speak my truth without accusing the other person. When I can slow myself down, I am more able to say where the hurt is, without hiding it behind anger, resentment, blaming, or other distractions.

Just because my perception has been that someone pulls away doesn't mean that's what they're doing. If I change my perception, does the other person change their action? Sometimes.

Much to mull on. Life is good.

Noticed the other day that I was giving far more thought and daydream-time to the past -- my childhood, and even my mother's childhood -- in recent years than ever before. Began to wonder if that was somehow a "turning 60" thing. Like the "turning 40" thing of looking to reconnect with long-lost childhood / teenage friends. Or the weird thing that happened around 40-45 of old boyfriends turning up to see if, now that they'd been divorced or widowed or were traveling on business or whatever, they could get lucky this time when we hadn't had sex in our previous relationship. (That was pretty strange, actually -- felt like they were just trying to cross me off the list of 'ones that got away' or something.)

But this thing now: Dwelling on the differences between my childhood, and my kids' childhoods, and my grandkids' childhoods. The obvious practical ones -- they have cellphones, computers, assorted private phone numbers for every individual in their lives, where my kids and I shared a single phone number for the entire household and my mom only had a phone for her dad's business. So she wrote letters, and our phone calls were necessarily shorter and more likely to be monitored. Or at least our parents had some idea who was calling us. We had huge amounts of unsupervised free time between homework and supper, today's kids seem to be tightly scheduled and always in some organized activity or other.

But also a lot of differences in fortune among the generations of my family. My mom was raised in a house with multiple servants, her parents in their 40s and well established before she was born. Then she came of age at the start of the Great Depression, and then "the" war (this would be World War Two) ... so we were raised in a house with a once-a-week maid who did floors and changed beds and helped mom with spring cleaning and the like. My kids were raised predominantly by a single mother (me) who often wasn't sure whether the money would last to the end of the month and sometimes served rice and beans for a week or two at a time. Even after I landed a "good" job.

My mom learned to cook at the age of 33 when she married my dad, having never needed to know more than boiling an egg before that.  I learned to cook at the age of 18 when I first moved into an apartment, having never been much allowed underfoot in the kitchen before that. My kids were both accomplished cooks before they were 10, having discovered that their mom was too often willing to just do something boring.

And so on. Why is this coming so forward in my awareness just now?

Is it that my powers seem to be waning, the loss of physical capacity becoming a commonplace? Is it that my granddaughters, at 5 and 7, have arrived at ages I can remember myself being, so the differences are graphic? Then what is it that evokes my mother's childhood, a place I never visited and about which I really heard very little. But have all these mind pictures about ...?

But it sure is here. The more I try to write fiction, the more I seem to be hooked into decoding some of the never-before-understood elements of my mom's life. Which is the odder because she's no longer on-planet to ask about it.

Maybe it's that nowadays when I look in the mirror, it's her face I see. Maybe it's that now I can relate to so many things she never really talked about. Or maybe ... something else.

Proud of myself today, though. Today I did yoga, paid bills, returned phone calls, completed the list of errands. Only wished for a game of solitaire a dozen times, but each was brief. Today my novel-writing class began. Today I completed the next step of pre-teaching homework for Vermont camp next month. Today I am more centered than yesterday.

Progress.