Midsummer Day Celebrations ... and an update

[joyfinderhero]

Solstice Celebrations

Full Moon we celebrated on Friday (Unitarians like to do things conveniently, so we noticed the Moon on Wednesday but didn't gather to do anything about it until Friday because Fridays fit in people's schedules better). Some important releasing of old @#$ in a burning ritual. Small gathering of mostly good friends, mostly committed CUUPSfolks. Drumming, including some lovely drumming by one who celebrated exactly a year since a devasting, bone-breaking fall incapacitated both arms for a time.

Saturday we gathered in a more formal venue for a potentially more public celebration of Litha, the Summer Solstice. Flowers and a sun story, burning some hopes and dreams and moonglow, that their smoke could invigorate our lives this cycle. Many of the same folks, again mostly good friends. I'm thinking I like face-to-face planning better than e-mail planning, but perhaps I'm just in a judgmental frame of mind. Glad there weren't strangers or first-timers present, though, to witness the level of confusion and a certain crossing of the energy before we got our act together. Sorry there weren't newcomers present, though, since I infer from that something about not being sufficiently welcoming, or not being sufficiently public ... or, gee, did we even bother to say we were doing public ritual?

Sobriety

Eight weeks today, 56 days. Spoke to my sponsor last night for the first time in a week. Noticed I've been avoiding reaching out for help. Pretending I'm doing well when really I'm just doing okay, with moments of barely holding my own.

Away on retreat with a group last week, about half of whom I know from the Camp culture of clean-and-sober, I'm still surprised at how surprised I was when somebody broke out some mead. Of all the alcohol I've ever had, mead is one of the very few tastes I actually enjoyed for its flavor -- in addition (oh, yes) to its effect. I did fine at saying 'no, thanks' but was a mite surprised at the level of inner chatter about how I could have just one, I wouldn't have to tell anyone, none of my AA friends would know ... yikes.

Two days without a meeting, just because of how our work was scheduled. And (I need to see this for myself) because I didn't ask anyone to make time in the schedule for me to drive to the next town of an evening, either. Not willing to out myself yet as a person who is in recovery (by which I mean, a person who needs to be in recovery), I deprived myself of support I could well have used.

Driving home on the third day I was fine while on the interstate, but suddenly realized I needed to go to a meeting before I could go home. Whew!

This week I've been learning how much denial has been present -- about what's actually up with me, about what emotions and anxieties I would prefer to avoid-before-surfacing (a drink would be so useful), about what is, and what is not, my fault.

Relationship

Better. More about this later, methinks, but better.

Writing

Exciting. Found a whole new set of memories yesterday. Discovered that writing for a listening audience is different from writing for a reading audience, but the revisions are not arduous. How intriguing to find different information comes forward depending on whether I plan to tell it or publish it.

Chaplaincy

Up to my elbows in reading. More later on this, as well.

Medical

The mole is benign. I'm still waiting on the ultrasound.

Overbookedness

Running out the door fifteen minutes earlier than planned, so not giving this post quite all the time I intended. Does that mean I'm still overbooked? Yep.

Comments

[sisalfish.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the update - I had been wondering what the medical result would be, and glad to find it's good news. I like thinking of you drumming under the moon, with good friends -

[solsticeborn63.livejournal.com]

Just a tip: Wherever you are there may be others who are also being anonymous who need a meeting. You can always tack up a sign saying, *Friends of Bill W. meeting at such and such a place and time.* See who shows up. Even if it just brings questions at least it is an opening for you to speak up for your own needs.

I was at a Solstice ritual on Saturday where there was meade and wine. Even 18 years on that *no thank you* is tricky.
Obviously it was not a Reclaiming ritual as we stick firmly to the clean and sober rituals here in Pittsburgh. Too many of us are in recovery. Our rituals are a safe place.

Just sharing my *experience, strength, and hope*.

Love,
Marjie