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Midnight in denial
Saturday, June 17th, 2006 12:22 amIt's after midnight. I've been nearly asleep at least twice since 9:30, both times drifting off while reading something uplifting and enlightening, but L O O O N G ... and just as I started to snooze I experienced another AHa moment and woke back up.
Lotta stuff on my mind, and I s'pose partly I'm in some denial. ...well, at least avoidance -- I'm noticing that if I interrupt writing here to go play just another minute of Spider Solitaire, I guess that qualifies as avoidance behavior (sheesh).
So what's to deny?
Aging -- me, and also close kin, and also just all around me I see my "generation" getting past it. Today I asked the trainer at the gym to show me one of the elevating-treadmill machines, getting in shape for some steep terrain later this summer ... and noticed my heart begin to pound as I started working harder. Didna wanna notice this comes more slowly than 30 years ago, but 'tis so anyway.
Last month ex-husband #1 got himself into financial trouble through the simple expedient of being new-widowed and depressed, and not opening his mail. Our son hadda go figure it out, prevent foreclosure, sort out the beneficiary paperwork that wasn't quite finished. Both of us are proud of the kid (now near 40) for doing it all so well. Me I'm feeling saddened to see him grieve and go into stasis like that.
This week ex-husband #2 turned up in the hospital, some kinda lung-trouble with surgery in it (I haven't "standing" to get the medical scoop, and none of his assorted kids is up on medical-ese). Today I've been working on getting air tix for our son and daughter-in-law to get out to the other coast, post-haste. The perfectionist in my head is full of judgment about how this trip could've been different if it were planned in advance (and also, cheaper) but the truth is that now is the very best time for them to go visit and later might be too late. And the money is there, really -- just inconvenient.
Today husband #3 (21st anniversary coming up, and we've known each other 30 years and more) smiles and nods and picks up the slack when I get a little wrapped around the axle about all this -- I love that he can do that, and hope I can do the same for him. Sometimes I'm sure of it, other times it's hard to tell.
Been reading Neale Donald Walsh's book, _Conversations with God_ -- and finding that he's clearly talking with the same Voice that showed up in the chair opposite 'me' in a gestalt session a few years ago. I've got a bad case of author-envy at the moment -- woulda coulda shoulda written this book myself, methinks ... but mostly I'm noticing that I'm suddenly getting exactly the same info on Spirit, Divinity, and the Nature of Life on Earth from several sources including my own spiritual practice and my own teaching. I'm trying not to judge or question this phenomenon (that would just be a habit) but what keeps coming up is "what's up with THIS? -- can't really be true" etc. Like, the 30 years of thinking I was an atheist won't just roll over and fade away or something.
Noticing that when I share my loving support with my family I feel better -- and when I move into judgment of them or myself I feel worse -- and my inner perfectionist needs a hug.
When I sat down here, I hoped that writing this entry would help me feel sleepy, but I'm still awake ... and yet the journal feels 'done' for the moment.
Many thanks to all of you for being in my life.
Blessed Be.
Lotta stuff on my mind, and I s'pose partly I'm in some denial. ...well, at least avoidance -- I'm noticing that if I interrupt writing here to go play just another minute of Spider Solitaire, I guess that qualifies as avoidance behavior (sheesh).
So what's to deny?
Aging -- me, and also close kin, and also just all around me I see my "generation" getting past it. Today I asked the trainer at the gym to show me one of the elevating-treadmill machines, getting in shape for some steep terrain later this summer ... and noticed my heart begin to pound as I started working harder. Didna wanna notice this comes more slowly than 30 years ago, but 'tis so anyway.
Last month ex-husband #1 got himself into financial trouble through the simple expedient of being new-widowed and depressed, and not opening his mail. Our son hadda go figure it out, prevent foreclosure, sort out the beneficiary paperwork that wasn't quite finished. Both of us are proud of the kid (now near 40) for doing it all so well. Me I'm feeling saddened to see him grieve and go into stasis like that.
This week ex-husband #2 turned up in the hospital, some kinda lung-trouble with surgery in it (I haven't "standing" to get the medical scoop, and none of his assorted kids is up on medical-ese). Today I've been working on getting air tix for our son and daughter-in-law to get out to the other coast, post-haste. The perfectionist in my head is full of judgment about how this trip could've been different if it were planned in advance (and also, cheaper) but the truth is that now is the very best time for them to go visit and later might be too late. And the money is there, really -- just inconvenient.
Today husband #3 (21st anniversary coming up, and we've known each other 30 years and more) smiles and nods and picks up the slack when I get a little wrapped around the axle about all this -- I love that he can do that, and hope I can do the same for him. Sometimes I'm sure of it, other times it's hard to tell.
Been reading Neale Donald Walsh's book, _Conversations with God_ -- and finding that he's clearly talking with the same Voice that showed up in the chair opposite 'me' in a gestalt session a few years ago. I've got a bad case of author-envy at the moment -- woulda coulda shoulda written this book myself, methinks ... but mostly I'm noticing that I'm suddenly getting exactly the same info on Spirit, Divinity, and the Nature of Life on Earth from several sources including my own spiritual practice and my own teaching. I'm trying not to judge or question this phenomenon (that would just be a habit) but what keeps coming up is "what's up with THIS? -- can't really be true" etc. Like, the 30 years of thinking I was an atheist won't just roll over and fade away or something.
Noticing that when I share my loving support with my family I feel better -- and when I move into judgment of them or myself I feel worse -- and my inner perfectionist needs a hug.
When I sat down here, I hoped that writing this entry would help me feel sleepy, but I'm still awake ... and yet the journal feels 'done' for the moment.
Many thanks to all of you for being in my life.
Blessed Be.
