Is it Life? or is it Busywork?

More and more I'm watching myself doing things that I used to think were 'important.' They still seem 'necessary,' at least in the short term. But more and more they look like 'busywork' -- or even 'pointless activity.'

Years ago I watched a disturbing movie called "Bent." Its main characters are two gay men in Nazi Germany, before and during their time in Auschwitz (the one with "Work Makes Freedom" over the gate) -- lots of nasty stuff to think about (but not just now).

One tiny subplot focused on 'work.' First the men are assigned to move a pile of rocks from 'over here' to 'over there.' It's very important that the rocks get moved quickly because they're going to be used for ___. As soon as the rockpile has been entirely moved (the work of several days), then it is necessary for the pile to be moved from 'over there' to 'this other place will be better.' Again, a reason is given which appears to make 'sense.' There is even an unstated sense of veiled apology -- 'this was a one-time mistake, trust me.' But then it happens again and again, with thinner and thinner explanations until the explanations disappear altogether.

Eventually the men discover that the only and entire purpose of the work is to keep them 'occupied,' 'unable to converse,' 'moving in organized patterns that make it simple for guards to detect any unauthorised activity'.

Then winter comes. After a particularly deep snowfall, they are moved to an open shed and told to move piles of snow around. One says to the other, "This is so pointless. It makes no sense. I mean, it's one thing to move _rocks_ around in circles. But _snow_?"

That's how I'm feeling just now. I wear clothes; I do laundry; I hang clothes; I wear clothes. I turn good groceries into garbage (to carry out) and shit (to flush). Purchase, make mess in kitchen, eat, clean up kitchen mess, make bathroom mess, clean up, repeat.

I'm packing to go to Florida (where it's warm, and the light is better). I want to go there -- or at least, I don't want to be here in the cold and dark. But as soon as I get there (plus or minus 120 days or so) I'll have to pack to go to New Jersey.

I'm studying in Seminary with a view to doing hospital chaplaincy work. The Ministry of Presence is good work -- it's clear from experience that being present to people's suffering actively assists them with it, reducing anxiety and pain, and actually speeding healing -- whether they're on their way 'back to good health' or on their way 'forward into death.'

And at the same time I wonder 'what difference does it make?'

(Oh. As soon as I wrote that, I thought "Why do I think 'making a difference' is important?" Maybe we're onto something now. What I usually prefer is 'passing on the service and support I have received.' Like "Pay It Forward" -- which is a great movie.)

Hmm. So there's some archaic programming here, old language used to enforce some of the beliefs my parents had that I no longer share.

Some expressions to watchfully delete:

"What difference does it make?" (the belief that only 'making it different' is useful or good)
"Nothing to show for it." (the belief that material purchases are 'valuable' but paying for 'having an experience' is 'a waste of money.')
"Nothing to gain." (it's bad to do something without recompense -- stupid, being a patsy, irresponsible)

There are more like this, but for today I feel better. Time to post this message and go clean up some more junk.

(sigh. wry grin. sigh. repeat.)

:)