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How Fascinating!
Thursday, May 15th, 2008 11:28 pmSure has been an interesting week. Lotta stuff moving and shaking loose in my head (and other places in consciousness, as well).
Writing
I'm in a writing class again. First time in a couple of years. Last time I got about 60 good pages toward a novel, couldn't quite keep up the pace, put it aside a few weeks after the class ended. Still have it, still think about it, may pull it out one of these days.
This time it's a class in memoir.
Shouldn't surprise anybody to find that my first big homework assignment focused on alcoholism -- but I'm a mite surprised at what-all turned up in that. Memories of Dad from when I was 7-14 or so ... clear and painful dialog from family dinnerfights conversations ... what was going on in my self-image at 15 or 16. About 3700 words conceived over the space of a week or so, written in about a day, polished in about another day. Good first-real-draft material, and some of it is good enough for a finished work. Maybe it's even the skeleton of a book -- which would be awesome.
Spiritual Practice
Back in December I had a daily practice of sitting meditation -- 20 minutes on the cushion nearly every morning. We moved to the boat about the same time as I changed to sitting in godform pose (you know, the way the Egyptian statues sit), so it was fairly easy to continue aboard. But by February that was down to a bit less than weekly. In March, absent altogether.
April and May I've kept trying to get back to it, started studying a new discipline, had some challenges. I seem to be able to do 2-7 days at a time, then the habit collapses for 1-7 days and has to be restarted from zero. (sigh). This morning I realized this may be a symptom of some deep work I began to do, and tried to do alone. This afternoon it occurred to me that the sharp increase in drinking may be a symptom in the same way. Active meditation on "What is my Purpose?" and "Why am I here?" seems to have brought up some things I found uncomfortable to know.
Keeping Commitments
Over the past ten years or so, I've been consistently getting better and better at keeping my commitments -- I promise less and less, but deliver on a higher percentage of what I say 'yes' to. In the past month or so, however, there has been a sharp decrease in this skill. It looks a little bit like the self-saboteur is trying to prevent the next stage of personal growth. But, identifying the problem is only the first step toward a solution ... and describing it ain't the same thing as solving it.
Relationships
Just now almost all of my personal relationships are being weird.
Mostly this seems to be 'me' as opposed to 'them' -- I've been snippy, brittle, irritable, scatterbrained, incoherent, all of these much more than six months ago (and, I think, more than six weeks ago).
Some of it may also be 'them' -- several folks are having medical issues for themselves or their families, a few are having financial crises. New marriages and newly-announced divorces are about neck-and-neck for 2008.
But again, recognizing it doesn't make it less uncomfortable.
Physical Reality
I took two weeks off from doing laundry -- when was the last time that happened? Almost caught up now, as of today, but not quite. I'm doing dishes every two days instead of every day, no big deal but my preference would be more often. My desk is a mess but my bills are paid on time (whew). Higher gas prices are making all of us plan our trips better, but so far I haven't had to give up anything important.
Plans
I seem to be doing okay at keeping on keeping on. Getting my balance back a bit after last week was pretty rough. Finally recognizing that even intermittent drinkers can have detox issues and besides, a pattern is a pattern and wants expression. If I look closely I can see that alcohol has its handcuffs out for my wrist just like tobacco does -- it's just closer and more deadly now than the habit I quit in, let's see, 1985 or so.
This weekend I'm expecting to be in Washington -- yoga nidra on Saturday and mask-making on Sunday -- and then next week home again.
Breathing. Lots of self-forgiveness work in the future, some of it started, some of it on the way.
Blessed Be.
Writing
I'm in a writing class again. First time in a couple of years. Last time I got about 60 good pages toward a novel, couldn't quite keep up the pace, put it aside a few weeks after the class ended. Still have it, still think about it, may pull it out one of these days.
This time it's a class in memoir.
Shouldn't surprise anybody to find that my first big homework assignment focused on alcoholism -- but I'm a mite surprised at what-all turned up in that. Memories of Dad from when I was 7-14 or so ... clear and painful dialog from family dinner
Spiritual Practice
Back in December I had a daily practice of sitting meditation -- 20 minutes on the cushion nearly every morning. We moved to the boat about the same time as I changed to sitting in godform pose (you know, the way the Egyptian statues sit), so it was fairly easy to continue aboard. But by February that was down to a bit less than weekly. In March, absent altogether.
April and May I've kept trying to get back to it, started studying a new discipline, had some challenges. I seem to be able to do 2-7 days at a time, then the habit collapses for 1-7 days and has to be restarted from zero. (sigh). This morning I realized this may be a symptom of some deep work I began to do, and tried to do alone. This afternoon it occurred to me that the sharp increase in drinking may be a symptom in the same way. Active meditation on "What is my Purpose?" and "Why am I here?" seems to have brought up some things I found uncomfortable to know.
Keeping Commitments
Over the past ten years or so, I've been consistently getting better and better at keeping my commitments -- I promise less and less, but deliver on a higher percentage of what I say 'yes' to. In the past month or so, however, there has been a sharp decrease in this skill. It looks a little bit like the self-saboteur is trying to prevent the next stage of personal growth. But, identifying the problem is only the first step toward a solution ... and describing it ain't the same thing as solving it.
Relationships
Just now almost all of my personal relationships are being weird.
Mostly this seems to be 'me' as opposed to 'them' -- I've been snippy, brittle, irritable, scatterbrained, incoherent, all of these much more than six months ago (and, I think, more than six weeks ago).
Some of it may also be 'them' -- several folks are having medical issues for themselves or their families, a few are having financial crises. New marriages and newly-announced divorces are about neck-and-neck for 2008.
But again, recognizing it doesn't make it less uncomfortable.
Physical Reality
I took two weeks off from doing laundry -- when was the last time that happened? Almost caught up now, as of today, but not quite. I'm doing dishes every two days instead of every day, no big deal but my preference would be more often. My desk is a mess but my bills are paid on time (whew). Higher gas prices are making all of us plan our trips better, but so far I haven't had to give up anything important.
Plans
I seem to be doing okay at keeping on keeping on. Getting my balance back a bit after last week was pretty rough. Finally recognizing that even intermittent drinkers can have detox issues and besides, a pattern is a pattern and wants expression. If I look closely I can see that alcohol has its handcuffs out for my wrist just like tobacco does -- it's just closer and more deadly now than the habit I quit in, let's see, 1985 or so.
This weekend I'm expecting to be in Washington -- yoga nidra on Saturday and mask-making on Sunday -- and then next week home again.
Breathing. Lots of self-forgiveness work in the future, some of it started, some of it on the way.
Blessed Be.
