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Dreams, raining, loss, confusion
Saturday, April 11th, 2009 08:43 amI'm not sure what the subject of today's post is.
It's raining. Last night I stayed up far later than I expected, doing nothing much in particular, except avoiding sleeping. Was it that I was afraid to dream? Why is that?
Oh. Yes. Yesterday I got some bad news about a long-ago partner. I reached out to a long-lost friend to pass the news along, together with a request that she get in touch with said partner ... and learned that, months before, she had dreamed of our conversation, and the burden of its news. And that, in fact, until she got my message she had that information stored in the mental bin for 'stuff that happened in real life.'
She thought this had already happened.
I dinna think I want any dreams like that. But it might be that I would appreciate them. Just now I am only in my fear.
A few days ago I had a dream that contained some explicit instructions (a phenomenon I welcome, and in which I take great delight). I woke myself up talking about my name, and how I chose it. The rest of the dream revisits an old disappointment, one I had long thought I'd given up on, consigned to the mental bin (that image again, unfamiliar) for 'stuff I did when younger that I'll never do again.'
Like the ice skates I gave away after my first "osteopenia" diagnosis. (No more falling on hard surfaces for me, thanks. But I can still go skiing if 'tisn't icy).
Am I afraid to dream more about lost things? about perhaps giving up too early? about disappointment, pain, loss (there it is again)? Am I afraid to try to move immovable objects just because I don't choose to have them stay where they are?
Probably. Probably all of the above, plus a certain fear. My mate and I have significant areas of disagreement. Many of them don't seem to affect our daily lives much. Fighting about politics has never served us well. I notice just now, though, a fear that if I reopen an old area of disappointment (or two? several?) that he might choose to walk away.
How much of mySelf do I want to constrain in this way? How much does it actually serve the relationship to shut myself down in anticipation of his disapproval? (I know the answer to this: usually almost it has only negative effects on the relationship. Once in awhile the negative effects of speaking up seem to be worse, though. How can I tell which? Ah.)
Yet I keep noticing that each time I speak up for myself, it makes things better.
It's raining this morning.
Last night in ritual space I asked "how best may I invest my year ahead?" I drew the Princess of Wands in a deck I'd never seen before. This morning I read what the deck's author says about the card: "... A young person who is anxious for adventure and experience, and wants to grow up too fast. ... restless and seeking ... looking for excitement. ... Developing a creative talent. For an older person, this card may represent a period of life where all of their old responsibilities are being stripped away willingly, and layers of roles and duties are being discarded so the true self is unencumbered and free to emerge."
Perhaps I'll just have to be content with that.
It's raining. Last night I stayed up far later than I expected, doing nothing much in particular, except avoiding sleeping. Was it that I was afraid to dream? Why is that?
Oh. Yes. Yesterday I got some bad news about a long-ago partner. I reached out to a long-lost friend to pass the news along, together with a request that she get in touch with said partner ... and learned that, months before, she had dreamed of our conversation, and the burden of its news. And that, in fact, until she got my message she had that information stored in the mental bin for 'stuff that happened in real life.'
She thought this had already happened.
I dinna think I want any dreams like that. But it might be that I would appreciate them. Just now I am only in my fear.
A few days ago I had a dream that contained some explicit instructions (a phenomenon I welcome, and in which I take great delight). I woke myself up talking about my name, and how I chose it. The rest of the dream revisits an old disappointment, one I had long thought I'd given up on, consigned to the mental bin (that image again, unfamiliar) for 'stuff I did when younger that I'll never do again.'
Like the ice skates I gave away after my first "osteopenia" diagnosis. (No more falling on hard surfaces for me, thanks. But I can still go skiing if 'tisn't icy).
Am I afraid to dream more about lost things? about perhaps giving up too early? about disappointment, pain, loss (there it is again)? Am I afraid to try to move immovable objects just because I don't choose to have them stay where they are?
Probably. Probably all of the above, plus a certain fear. My mate and I have significant areas of disagreement. Many of them don't seem to affect our daily lives much. Fighting about politics has never served us well. I notice just now, though, a fear that if I reopen an old area of disappointment (or two? several?) that he might choose to walk away.
How much of mySelf do I want to constrain in this way? How much does it actually serve the relationship to shut myself down in anticipation of his disapproval? (I know the answer to this: usually almost it has only negative effects on the relationship. Once in awhile the negative effects of speaking up seem to be worse, though. How can I tell which? Ah.)
Yet I keep noticing that each time I speak up for myself, it makes things better.
It's raining this morning.
Last night in ritual space I asked "how best may I invest my year ahead?" I drew the Princess of Wands in a deck I'd never seen before. This morning I read what the deck's author says about the card: "... A young person who is anxious for adventure and experience, and wants to grow up too fast. ... restless and seeking ... looking for excitement. ... Developing a creative talent. For an older person, this card may represent a period of life where all of their old responsibilities are being stripped away willingly, and layers of roles and duties are being discarded so the true self is unencumbered and free to emerge."
Perhaps I'll just have to be content with that.