Readings and Solstice work

[joyfinderhero]

Wondering why I was having such a hard time choosing travel dates for the annual migration from the frozen North to warm water and the sailboat. As my resistance grew, some events occurred in the region of Central America where the boat now is, but Dear Husband found those in the category of "these things happen, even though tragic" and went ahead with his original schedule. Or, to put that in a different perspective, when he came home in May he had booked a round trip with the randomly chosen date of Dec 8 to head South. And nothing had happened to make it worth the airlines' $150 fee to change the date.

So now he's with the boat. My resistance continued growing, along with a fear that felt irrational, crippling, and more than a little bit foolish. Not that bad things don't happen, not that I am or should be immune. More like "any of that could have happened, does happen, in New Jersey; why am I so frightened of it in the tropics?"

A dear friend offered a reading. Using the "Do you or Don't you" spread and the Albano Waite deck, I couldn't have asked for more clarity. "What may happen if you Do" included deception, robbery, dissatisfaction, loss ... as well as some good things. "What may happen if you Don't" included strong creativity, personal authority, coming into new realizations ... as well as some less good things, but nothing I could identify or react to as "bad".

Talking to DH about all this, we've come to the present conclusion that I will not be joining the boat where it is. He is now examining possibilities. Perhaps he'll leave the river for some island-hopping before bringing the boat to the states. Perhaps he'll spend some time sailing with others. Looks like we'll try to find a flotilla heading northward in late April / early May, when the prevailing winds and waves make the sea flattest for a trip in that direction. Perhaps I'll join him for that trip, not sure just now.

Also not sure what I'll be doing during that time. The cold and dark of winter has never been easy for me and most of my local involvements expect me to be gone before year end. I can change that, of course, or look for where else I might like to be during this time. Just now May seems a long way away.

In addition to the boat situation, we've also been in counseling intermittently since June. While our travel schedule made that a bit less productive than I had hoped, it seemed we were making good progress. I was feeling some trepidation about spending the winter together without doing the counseling work. Now I'm feeling both relief and trepidation about spending the winter apart. 

A clear decision is desired (as a second reading with the Thoth deck has made obvious). Self-trust and creativity flow from taking a stand. How interesting that DH sent me an e-mail message the same day as this reading that included a direct statement about "still wanting to spend the rest of our lives together."

So then a few days later to Solstice work in coven. We had a lovely plan for outdoor ritual involving "throwing a symbolic object or bundle into the fire" to release what you need to let go of and bring forward what you wish to invoke into the coming year. Then it rained. In the impromptu ritual that resulted, I found myself speaking little or nothing of the questions I had worked with in the Tarot readings, but stood up and claimed Self-Respect, Integrity, Creativity, and Independence as the qualities that would come to me during this year, while releasing Needing Others' Approval and Waiting for Permission.

On the way home I noticed that I have been waiting, in a way, for DH's permission to live my life. Clearly this needs to change, regardless of what choices I make.

A week, during which depression began to lift and productivity slowly returned.

Solstice work in the larger group. An annual ritual, well-engraved in the egregor, with aspecting and keening and welcoming the return of the light. As I stood in circle, sobbing, listening to my neighbor muttering very quietly while someone across the circle shrieked and another roared, I realized there is still unspilled grief about the death of my mother in 2001, the death of my father in 1969, the death of my brother in 1968, the divorce in 1970 and the death of that ex earlier this year, the divorce in 1975 and the death of that ex in 2006. There is still unspilled fear and resentment about the autumn of 1964 and the most toxic relationship of my life. As well as plenty of smaller and more contemporary griefs, shames, challenges, and fears. 

The circle grew quiet, and the Raven exhorted us to lay our burdens down. We were outdoors in the snow, so continuing for hours would have been inappropriate, but on another level there were moments when I felt I could have cried all night.

I am so blessed to have found this group, to be welcomed into this family. This week I'll be reaching out in several directions to see what may call me for the springtime. Just now life is very, very good. 

I am so grateful to my friend the reader, to my covenmates, to the Raven and the White Lady and the Sun God.

Blessed Be.

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Blessed Be.