Irritability, weather, sunlight (not enough)

[joyfinderhero]

 Today somebody asked me if I was offended with them. I had to think about that a moment, because yes, I was -- but I hadn't acknowledged it even to myself. Then I looked closer and realized that my internal reaction (you know, the one I hadn't noticed) was way out of proportion to the little thing they did that I found so obnoxious.
 
Well, as you know, i'm a rational, responsible, self-aware person, so I pretended nothing had happened and just didn't answer the question.

About two hours later somebody else asked me a very similar question. They had done even less, but my reaction was immediate, and somewhat (embarrassingly) loud.

So finally I took a look at what's going on with me.

Let's see: 20" of snow in the driveway (where it drifts; we only got 18" in measured snowfall) means I can't leave the house without 'permission' -- that is, I have to wait for the snowplow to get here, and then I have to borrow the one 4WD vehicle we own among the household, which isn't mine.

The days have lengthened substantially since the Solstice, which means I only have to put on my drive-at-night glasses at 5:45 instead of 5:00. And as long as I can sleep until 8 am there's light in my bedroom. This means I'm only feeling about four hours worth of light deprivation every day.

My mate and I are having trouble communicating. I think we're having trouble with the fact that we don't want the same things out of retirement, but it's been hard to get coherent about it. I've been harboring the hallucination that if he would only be here, doing the couples counseling that we started last spring, maybe things would get better. But I suspect that from his perspective he's already put in about as much time and money as he's willing to. And since I haven't been willing to change, and he hasn't, probably we are at an impasse.

We've tried to talk about this a little bit. It's easier in e-mail, but it sure isn't being easy. I feel so unheard. I feel so lonely, even when he's here. He says he admires me for all the things I am and he's not. But he doesn't want to learn to be any of those things. Whereas when I'm admiring him for being all the things he is that I'm not, my second step has historically been to ask him to teach me. I haven't been as good a teacher as he has been. Does that mean that I'm stuck with doing all this stuff alone?

Just now I'm stuck waiting for replies and a real conversation to develop. I wrote him a long letter at the Solstice, and carefully cut it back to a page to make it manageable for him. It took him two weeks to reply, a few sentences in response to paragraphs. 

I can't get his attention. Or when I do get his attention, he wants to explain why it's unreasonable of me to want our partnership to consist of shared deep personal experiences.

I'm so hurting. I'm so angry. I don't know if he's reading this -- he's told me recently that he 'often' reads my blog, but that come to think of it he lost all his bookmarks when he replaced his computer. Which I think was in November. So I gave him the address again. Is he reading this now? If he is, will he respond to any of it?

How long should I wait to see?

Comments

[stormyheart]

You always have the option of making certain entries friends-only, so that only those people on your LJ friends list can read your entries. Although, by writing this and specifically mentioning how he sometimes reads your blog, it sounds like you are reaching out in a way and kind of want him to read this.

[bellamagic.livejournal.com]

Much love to you during this process... *hug*

[firedancer-ny.livejournal.com]

Sending you blessings of love & light & laughter.... And clarity.

I hear how lonely and angry and sad and frustrated you are. HUGS!