Peace, and its disturbance
Monday, July 2nd, 2007 09:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
joyfinderheroSpiritual Practice.
One way to think about it is: It's about releasing any disturbance to one's inner peace. Maybe it's even about not getting one's peace disturbed in the first place. I'm not sure I would know.
Mostly at most moments these days I feel peaceful inside. At least, that's what I think about the situation. Whenever I think about it.
At least, when I'm in a group and we're studying or learning or practicing or discussing ways to do spiritual practices. At those times, I often find myself wondering what anyone has 'disturbed peace' about, anyway? I mean, I'm pretty peaceful lately, aren't I? Often there is one or another person in the group with me at that moment whose anxiety or depression or self-judgment is visibly getting in their way (much worse than mine) and I think, 'oh, I'm so glad that doesn't happen to me anymore.' And at those times, I feel fully persuaded that it doesn't.
But then I notice how much time I've been spending playing computer games again. Even the ones I don't actually enjoy. This morning I found myself opening a computer-solitaire game to distract me from the computer-solitaire game I was already being bored by.
And then I notice that, now that we're discussing (in class) the spiritual merits of a healthy diet of fresh foods, I've been eating way more starch and sugar than usual -- in years, in fact. When was the last time I pigged out on a box of cookies? In my 40s, I think, except twice in the past week and three times in the past year. What the hell is that about?
I'm not much aware of anger or a whole lot of self-judgment nowadays (for which, much thanks). But anxiety ... as soon as I've given myself more than a few seconds peace and quiet, anxiety begins yelling inside me. The do-list stuff, I can sort of understand ... there are so many items on my to-do list that at any given moment it would be easy to suppose I will simply never get them done. But: most of them, it doesn't actually matter if I never get them done. Nothing there to be anxious about, except that I 'said' I would do them and then I 'haven't yet' -- which is to say, I'm not practicing truth-speaking. So there should be tension there; I've programmed it in, on purpose.
But, um, the simple thing to do about that would be to just do the items on the list. Write and mail the check, make the phonecall, put the next batch of cast-offs onto e-bay or into the car for the thrift store, read the homework, write the homework, practice the homework, walk the dog ... I do those things, some of them every day, but not without a lot of dithering first. And not without a bunch of avoidance behavior first.
In a way it's a very addiction-like process ... I do something that used to be fun as a way of avoiding something that I imagine will be a drag. But the thing that used-to-be-fun is actually a drag now, and the thing I imagine will be a drag is actually just fine when I do it (so then I can feel guilty about having postponed it two weeks or more). I've had times in my life, even recently, when I was just as successfully avoiding anxiety by doing things I love doing -- say, reading an excellent novel, or weaving or painting. Dancing or swimming. Doing yoga (rather than sitting in class talking about doing yoga). I prefer that.
One way to think about it is: It's about releasing any disturbance to one's inner peace. Maybe it's even about not getting one's peace disturbed in the first place. I'm not sure I would know.
Mostly at most moments these days I feel peaceful inside. At least, that's what I think about the situation. Whenever I think about it.
At least, when I'm in a group and we're studying or learning or practicing or discussing ways to do spiritual practices. At those times, I often find myself wondering what anyone has 'disturbed peace' about, anyway? I mean, I'm pretty peaceful lately, aren't I? Often there is one or another person in the group with me at that moment whose anxiety or depression or self-judgment is visibly getting in their way (much worse than mine) and I think, 'oh, I'm so glad that doesn't happen to me anymore.' And at those times, I feel fully persuaded that it doesn't.
But then I notice how much time I've been spending playing computer games again. Even the ones I don't actually enjoy. This morning I found myself opening a computer-solitaire game to distract me from the computer-solitaire game I was already being bored by.
And then I notice that, now that we're discussing (in class) the spiritual merits of a healthy diet of fresh foods, I've been eating way more starch and sugar than usual -- in years, in fact. When was the last time I pigged out on a box of cookies? In my 40s, I think, except twice in the past week and three times in the past year. What the hell is that about?
I'm not much aware of anger or a whole lot of self-judgment nowadays (for which, much thanks). But anxiety ... as soon as I've given myself more than a few seconds peace and quiet, anxiety begins yelling inside me. The do-list stuff, I can sort of understand ... there are so many items on my to-do list that at any given moment it would be easy to suppose I will simply never get them done. But: most of them, it doesn't actually matter if I never get them done. Nothing there to be anxious about, except that I 'said' I would do them and then I 'haven't yet' -- which is to say, I'm not practicing truth-speaking. So there should be tension there; I've programmed it in, on purpose.
But, um, the simple thing to do about that would be to just do the items on the list. Write and mail the check, make the phonecall, put the next batch of cast-offs onto e-bay or into the car for the thrift store, read the homework, write the homework, practice the homework, walk the dog ... I do those things, some of them every day, but not without a lot of dithering first. And not without a bunch of avoidance behavior first.
In a way it's a very addiction-like process ... I do something that used to be fun as a way of avoiding something that I imagine will be a drag. But the thing that used-to-be-fun is actually a drag now, and the thing I imagine will be a drag is actually just fine when I do it (so then I can feel guilty about having postponed it two weeks or more). I've had times in my life, even recently, when I was just as successfully avoiding anxiety by doing things I love doing -- say, reading an excellent novel, or weaving or painting. Dancing or swimming. Doing yoga (rather than sitting in class talking about doing yoga). I prefer that.
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(no subject)
Date: Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007 02:19 pm (UTC)Yep. Me, too. Thanks for saying this so clearly (grin).
I notice that sharing my process helps me clarify it ... and somehow writing the blog is different (and somewhat more useful) than writing a journal for my eyes only ... and reading your process helps me clarify mine ... and receiving your comments helps clarify mine ...
and ... I just like keeping in touch with you, too.
Many blessings, Dear One