Day Eleven and still counting
Thursday, May 8th, 2008 04:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
joyfinderheroI've been sober eleven days.
Not that I've necessarily achieved "sobriety" yet. Still have a lot of my stinkin' thinkin', way too much self-judgment, resentment, anxiety. Probably too much guilt, woulda-coulda-shoulda. Not quite as much self-trust as I'm used to having and would like to experience. But a good start: not drinking.
Going to meetings (so far 12 meetings in 11 days, in case you're counting -- I am) ... it's working, so far. I've sat through some meetings thinking about the glass of wine I might have when I get home, but haven't poured it. Every meeting I've attended, including the two that didn't seem like a good fit, has had at least one sentence in somebody's speech that has spoken directly to where I was being at that exact moment. Which is a pretty good sign, magically, that I'm in the right place.
Today there is more anxiety and a resurgence of several old patterns. I'm still isolating (been doing that, in some ways, since I got home). Still not sleeping quite the way I'd like to be, waking at 3:00, 4:15, 5:30, and getting up before 6:30 most mornings. Getting up that early can be a good thing, but waking more than once during the night ... not so much.
One old pattern is guilt about procrastinating when, in fact, there is plenty of time left. This seems to arise because I've momentarily forgotten about some deadline, generally because I was doing something else that would preclude working on it anyway, and then when the deadline comes back to mind my internal self-talk acts like it's a federal offense to have not finished the task already.
Right now, I have a 5-minute speech to give on Sunday, a 3700-word memoir to turn in on Tuesday, and several days during which both can be accomplished. But inside me the inner critic is running around screaming "What's wrong with you, why aren't you working on these right now, you shouldn't be doing anything else -- not eating, sleeping, meditating, teaching, doing yoga, journaling, nothing -- until these are done! You're going to be late, be late, be late ..."
Where is all this coming from?
Well, partly going through my mother's correspondence over the weekend. Partly spending five days with my two brothers without much participation from anyone else. Partly reading my dad's professional speeches and getting to hear some of his voice. That's probably enough, come to think of it. I could cut myself a break.
But right now I have a Hospice gig to do, so no more resting just now.
Thanks for listening.
:(
Not that I've necessarily achieved "sobriety" yet. Still have a lot of my stinkin' thinkin', way too much self-judgment, resentment, anxiety. Probably too much guilt, woulda-coulda-shoulda. Not quite as much self-trust as I'm used to having and would like to experience. But a good start: not drinking.
Going to meetings (so far 12 meetings in 11 days, in case you're counting -- I am) ... it's working, so far. I've sat through some meetings thinking about the glass of wine I might have when I get home, but haven't poured it. Every meeting I've attended, including the two that didn't seem like a good fit, has had at least one sentence in somebody's speech that has spoken directly to where I was being at that exact moment. Which is a pretty good sign, magically, that I'm in the right place.
Today there is more anxiety and a resurgence of several old patterns. I'm still isolating (been doing that, in some ways, since I got home). Still not sleeping quite the way I'd like to be, waking at 3:00, 4:15, 5:30, and getting up before 6:30 most mornings. Getting up that early can be a good thing, but waking more than once during the night ... not so much.
One old pattern is guilt about procrastinating when, in fact, there is plenty of time left. This seems to arise because I've momentarily forgotten about some deadline, generally because I was doing something else that would preclude working on it anyway, and then when the deadline comes back to mind my internal self-talk acts like it's a federal offense to have not finished the task already.
Right now, I have a 5-minute speech to give on Sunday, a 3700-word memoir to turn in on Tuesday, and several days during which both can be accomplished. But inside me the inner critic is running around screaming "What's wrong with you, why aren't you working on these right now, you shouldn't be doing anything else -- not eating, sleeping, meditating, teaching, doing yoga, journaling, nothing -- until these are done! You're going to be late, be late, be late ..."
Where is all this coming from?
Well, partly going through my mother's correspondence over the weekend. Partly spending five days with my two brothers without much participation from anyone else. Partly reading my dad's professional speeches and getting to hear some of his voice. That's probably enough, come to think of it. I could cut myself a break.
But right now I have a Hospice gig to do, so no more resting just now.
Thanks for listening.
:(
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: Thursday, May 8th, 2008 08:46 pm (UTC)I honor your sharing. And send great love and respect.
(no subject)
Date: Thursday, May 8th, 2008 10:54 pm (UTC)Yep!
Glad the meetings are resonating for you. You're a damn courageous woman, you know that?
Much Love to you.
(no subject)
Date: Friday, May 9th, 2008 01:11 am (UTC)Wow, eleven days, that is such an awesome start toward sobriety!
Fierce hugs,
Swan
(no subject)
Date: Friday, May 9th, 2008 04:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: Friday, May 9th, 2008 01:15 pm (UTC)I recently learned a trick for sneaking around one's inner critic that might be of interest to you, which was dubbed the "lazy susan of compassion" by its inventors. When I'm having a battle with my inner critic and/or demons and there are other people around me who are doing the same, and if I'm having difficulty in applying compassion to myself, then perhaps I can notice how I feel toward the others around me, let that feeling build to the point where I can name it (and "compassion" is very frequently on my list), and then imagine both sending it out and receiving it at the same time. I send out my compassion for others onto the imaginal lazy susan in the center of the room, give the lazy susan a bit of a spin, imagine that they are doing the same, and take in what comes to me when the lazy susan stops.
Love and a deep breath to you.
beginning
Date: Wednesday, May 14th, 2008 08:48 pm (UTC)Re: beginning
Date: Sunday, May 25th, 2008 02:34 am (UTC)Just now they're the only face-to-face folks I've been really talking to about this. I get to watch myself behaving paranoid around my hard-drinking friends. I get to watch myself afraid to tell the drinkers I'm trying to quit (what if they don't like that?) and afraid to tell the non-drinkers I have a problem (what if they don't believe me?). So it's great to have new face-to-face friends who understand.
And old friends at a distance who get it.
26 days and counting.
I so appreciate your loving wishes.