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[personal profile] joyfinderhero
I've been sober eleven days.

Not that I've necessarily achieved "sobriety" yet. Still have a lot of my stinkin' thinkin', way too much self-judgment, resentment, anxiety. Probably too much guilt, woulda-coulda-shoulda. Not quite as much self-trust as I'm used to having and would like to experience. But a good start: not drinking.

Going to meetings (so far 12 meetings in 11 days, in case you're counting -- I am) ... it's working, so far. I've sat through some meetings thinking about the glass of wine I might have when I get home, but haven't poured it. Every meeting I've attended, including the two that didn't seem like a good fit, has had at least one sentence in somebody's speech that has spoken directly to where I was being at that exact moment. Which is a pretty good sign, magically, that I'm in the right place.

Today there is more anxiety and a resurgence of several old patterns. I'm still isolating (been doing that, in some ways, since I got home). Still not sleeping quite the way I'd like to be, waking at 3:00, 4:15, 5:30, and getting up before 6:30 most mornings. Getting up that early can be a good thing, but waking more than once during the night ... not so much.

One old pattern is guilt about procrastinating when, in fact, there is plenty of time left. This seems to arise because I've momentarily forgotten about some deadline, generally because I was doing something else that would preclude working on it anyway, and then when the deadline comes back to mind my internal self-talk acts like it's a federal offense to have not finished the task already.

Right now, I have a 5-minute speech to give on Sunday, a 3700-word memoir to turn in on Tuesday, and several days during which both can be accomplished. But inside me the inner critic is running around screaming "What's wrong with you, why aren't you working on these right now, you shouldn't be doing anything else -- not eating, sleeping, meditating, teaching, doing yoga, journaling, nothing -- until these are done! You're going to be late, be late, be late ..."

Where is all this coming from?

Well, partly going through my mother's correspondence over the weekend. Partly spending five days with my two brothers without much participation from anyone else. Partly reading my dad's professional speeches and getting to hear some of his voice. That's probably enough, come to think of it. I could cut myself a break.

But right now I have a Hospice gig to do, so no more resting just now.

Thanks for listening.

:(

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Date: Friday, May 9th, 2008 04:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bellamagic.livejournal.com
Wow, I recognize that self-flagellator... I hope you can someday make friends with hir, and turn hir into an ally. The strength of the gods be with you on this path.

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